Pickles the Drummer quotes from Metalocalypse

Pickles the Drummer

Ohh, [beer cans and bottles are heard clattering] I am gonna be well-burned, SHUT UP! Dammit! Dammit Stop! Shut Up! Shut up you crappy alarm! [alarm stops, Pickles clicks on a lamp to reveal many people in his room]

OH YEAH PICKLES! PICKLES WAKES UP JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!

Pickles

[shrieking] WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU PEOPLE DOING HERE?! [fan ignores him and continues yelling] Oh god, I forgot... I hate fan day!

Nathan Explosion

Why do I drink so much before stupid fan day?

William Murderface

I believe you drink because it's fan day.

Nathan

Ugh. I don't w - Don't talk to me about that. Wai - wait, where's Skwisgaar?

Toki Wartooth

I don't think he gonna be here for a while, he had a very big night with a very huge fan!

Nathan

Yeah, we were all up late.

Toki

Not me, I actually got good rest.

Pickles

Can you please, just be quiet for a second?

Toki

Ahh, what's wrong Pickle? You just need to eat something. Your name is Pickle, maybe you should try pickle herring sandwich [hands him a sandwich] very famous from Oslo!

OH YEAH PICKLE- [Pickles shuts the door]

Pickles

GOD! Everywhere I go, there's fans everywhere! Can't I just throw up in my own house?! Ugh!

Murderface

OH GOD! Don't, what are you - bulimia?

Nathan

Oh, great now you're gonna start a whole chain reaction, puke-a... a-thon!

Toki

Aww! Blood puke! Good song title, someone write that - oh, that's right we already wrote that. Good song though!

Nathan

[breathing heavily] Ohh, I think I need another liver transplant.

Pickles

Hey, what are you doing?

He's in a wheelchair my lords, I did not know what to do.

Ofdensen

I'm sorry, who is that fat kid?

Nathan

Don't play dumb, you know who that is.

Ofdensen

I have no idea who that is. Who the hell is that?

Pickles

Uh, hello, that's our son.

Murderface

Yeah, we adopted him, for charity?

Ofdensen

I'm sorry, how is that charity?

Nathan

Then we are his foster fathers. What do you mean? That's for charity, right?

Ofdensen

No Nathan, that's not donating money to organizations. That's... that doesn't help our tax situation.

Nathan

Seriously?

Ofdensen

Yeah. Can you give him back?

Nathan

Hey that's a crappy thing to say but no, I don't think we can. We tried.

Ofdensen

Well, let's talk about the big show. You guys are performing at the United Celebrities of the World Foundation with the London Philharmonic, kind of a big deal, London Philharmonic, blah blah.

Ofdensen

The donation will go to pharmaceutical research.

Nathan

What kind of pharmaceugical research? [still playing with the laser pointer]

Ofdensen

Well, I'm not sure. It doesn't say.

Nathan

Have those guys cured anything?

Ofdensen

Uhhh... no. It says here, no, they have not.

Nathan

Ok. Shouldn't they have cured at least one disease?

Ofdensen

Well, it doesn't matter. All you need to know is that if you want to keep your money, you do this show.

Pickles the Drummer

See, that makes more sense to us. Just say that from now on.

Pickles

Dudes, what the hell is wrong with this guy? He can't stand still.

Toki

Maybe he gots to go outside and gos to the... B-A-S-T-H-R-O-H-M-N-S-E.

Nathan

I think I know what you are all trying to say. I... uh... um... I think we have to build a space helicopter.

Pickles

Ah, well, that's impossible, but I think I may have a better idea.

Toki Wartooth

Oh, cool, yous gots a new shipment of custom guitar!

Skwisgaar

Yeah, dis is uh, some designs I'm messings arounds with, uh... dis one is, um, is Swiss Army-tar. Is good guitar for a camping trip, s'got toothpick.

Pickles the Drummer

Yeah, good tone, what's that one right' theere?

Skwisgaar

Uhh, is just an ant farm-itar. They, stills workings on it.

William Murderface

Nice! I'd like to stand on that thing.

Pickles

Yeah, I'd stand on that.

Skwisgaar

Yah, an' this is the Gibson Excalib-itar, you know, and here's my... guitar made from the wood of Christ's cross.

Murderface

Awww, get ready for a billion e-mails. Here comes the offended religious weirdos.

Skwisgaar

What's offensive about the most religious instrument ever?

Murderface

[voice-over] Over a million babies and ladies die every hemisecond. That's why I use Murder Knobs.

Pickles

[voice-over] I'm Pickles the Drummer. And our country's experiencing a horrible problem - nobody is using nickels. Use nickels.

Paid for in nickels by the US Department of Treasury.

Nathan

[voice-over] I guess I've always hated my father. Explosion Sauce changed that.

Toki Wartooth

[voice-over] I Toki. I slips in and out of diabetic coma. They should makes insulin-flavored candy. Whatever.

Pickles the Drummer

Dude, I thought you hated wearing a watch?

Nathan Explosion

I smash...them. [smashes watch with fist]

Pickles

Cool. Mind if I try?

Nathan

Uh yeah, I- I mean they're mine, but...

Pickles

[rummaging through the watches] Whoa that's nice. What is that, a Hamilton? [drops it and stomps on it] Well, that's... you know... fun.

William Murderface

Check it out, losers. Direct your attention to my crotch. See it?

Murderface

Feel it, envy it.

Pickles

That is something else!

Murderface

Best purchase ever. It's not a big deal; it's just totally diamond-encrusted and titanium-based...

Toki

Oh, whats a coincidence! I gots a real cool codpiece too!

Murderface

Uh, that's a dildo? A strap-on dildo?

Toki

Aww, screw you all off! My codpiece is the coolest!

Skwisgaar

Oh lighten up Mr. Dooms N' Glooms, embezzle is metal.

Pickles

Who's the guy embezzling from, you know, anyway?

Charles Ofdensen

Well, he is embezzling... from you.

Nathan

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Pickles

Okay, so, uhh... number 421. You, ehh... you are part of the sector eighteen, recording studio maintainence clean team. Okay! Uhh... qui... couple questions. How, do, you, value, your, what you contribute, of, to, at the work force? Ehh... second part: which, do you most, can't, the least? Skwisgaar?

Skwisgaar

Yeah?

Pickles

You write these questions?

Skwisgaar

Yeah I did.

Pickles

Okay! Well, 421, do you have an answer?

I am a highly skilled microphone cleaner my masters, and what I most can't the least, would be do not a bad job, but always a good.

Skwisgaar

Okaaaay... good answer...

Pickles

Well that's all I got, uh, guys?

Nathan

No, I got one more question, and answer honestly! [long pause] Are you the guy who's embezzling from us?

No.

Nathan

[long pause] Okay... I believe you.

Nathan

Yeah, well, all I can think about is the raffle. Can we win it?

Pickles

Well dude, I fucking hope so, that's the only reason my ass is goin' 'ere!

Nathan

Oh yeah! And there's gonna be an awesome motivational speaker. Oh my God I love being motivated. I love being motivated!

Toki

Me too!

Nathan

I LOVE BEING MOTIVATED!

Skwisgaar

I have to works with you everyday. So please, would you please take it easy on the cologne?

Murderface

While that hurts my feelings, I understand.

Nathan

When you see a piece of trash on the ground, don't just stand there, PICK IT UUUUUP!

Pickles

Yeah! And don't leave your lunch lying around either! It attracts ants!

Facebones

And most important, remember - death is an everyday part of the workplace!

Facebones

So, when you see a dead body, don't freak out!

Toki

Wowee!

Facebones

Just... ring your Deth-bell!