DDoctor
You're not dying, it's just a cold.
NathanI think we are dying. I really don't feel great.
DDoctor
Did you ever have colds before?
Nathan
No.
Can'ts you gives us injections?
Yeah, use your fancy degrees, asshole!
DDoctor
Take it easy, all right? No drinking, no partying...[grabs a cigar from Pickles] Gimme that cigar!
DDoctor
Just take it easy. Go the sauna, sweat it out, and relax, okay? Take it easy. Idiots.
[Dethklok is attempting to use leeches to cure their summer colds]
Hey guys, how are your guys doing? You know, your leeches?
[using leeches to create the appearance of black sideburns] Looks at me, I'ms Elvis Presleys!
Nathan
[using leeches to create a thin Van Dyck] Hey, look at me, I'm that guy from, uh, that movie where the guy wore that mask, and, uh, Natalie Portman was in it...
[laughing] Yeahs, it's just likes him! It's awesome!
Nathan
Check it out. [laughs]
[using leeches to create the appearance of eye black] Look, I'm a professional NFL football player!
[using more leeches to create a mustache] Hey, looks at mes! I'm Leech Charlies Chaplins!
Nathan
Hey, Murderface, do like a Leech Al Jolson.
OK, Leech Al Jolson, coming up! Gimme more! [reaches into the leech bucket and throws a handful onto his face, completely obscuring it except for the eyes and mouth, and begins singing à la Uncle Remus] Mammy! I'm from Alabam-ie! [normal voice] Leech Al Jolson!
Nathan
Now, that guy was an entertainer.
Yeah, he was the first greats blacks entertainer!
Sorry I'm late, I was addressing the new uh, klokateers...
Gimme fifty thousand dollars.
Well uh, what do you need it for?
For fucking Doritos! What difference does it make?!
Well you've uh, been given your hundred thousand dollar allowance for the week, so-
So what?! Come on fucking give me my money, man! Cough it up! [continuing to talk over Charles] Aww, fuck that, why can't I have my fucking money?! That's mine!
All of you are wasting money by not having finished this record, that's a big deal guys, you're doing anything but recording! All right? That's what I'm-
Nathan
So what, by sitting here, we're wasting money?
[long pause]
Nathan
We should be saving money by not doing anything, not wasting it!
Yeah, that doesn't make sense! Are you sure you know what you're talking about?
[annoyed] Yes, I do know what I'm talking about, you are killing your own business!
Oh God, you're boring me to to death with business! God!
Well this isn't boring to me guys, all right?! I want you all to listen up! This is important stuff, all right?! If you continue to not record, your money, YOUR money, will continue to dwindle!
Nathan
How do you know that?
How do I know- Because it's my job to know! I work with money, it's my job!
How long have you known that our money is dwindling? I mean, it sounds like you're keeping stuff from us, right?
Yeah, he's keepings it froms us.
Yeah, it's very suspicious.
No, I'm telling you about it right now, that's what I'm doing, I'm telling you about these things.
Nathan
Yeah, but how long have you known about the stuff that we don't know about that you're starting to tell us about?
Look I've tried to keep you guys in the loop of the business, I have many times, but-
...But you guys have a very short attention span.
Nathan
[offended] NO WE'RE NOT!
No you're not what- Wh-What does that mean- That's not even a response to what I was saying!
He's gots to admits it! He's on the ropes!
We're arguing two different things here!
HIHealth Inspector
All right, listen up! First things first. The conditions down here are repugnant! It's infested with rats, moles, and some strain of flesh-eating virus.
Nathan
Pretty metal.
HIHealth Inspector
Oh is it? Your staff is dying down here. Is that metal?
I hate to say it, but, yeah.
Nathan
Yeah, not to be contradictory but it's very metal.
HIHealth Inspector
(pause) Is it metal to have your drains clogged with dead, rotting employees?
Nathan
Yeah. It is, actually.
HIHealth Inspector
Is it metal to have easily avoidable work-related accidents the cause of death?
HIHealth Inspector
Is it metal for none of you to care at all?
Nathan
Yeah it's way more metal if we don't care about it.
HIHealth Inspector
Well... I guess I uh didn't know all that stuff was metal. Anyway, follow me.
[the band is blowing up guitars like fireworks and throwing firecrackers around]
Nathan
[to Pickles] Don't give Murderface any firecrackers, we just have to hold them.
[walks over] Hey, can I have a firecracker?
You know what? I think there's some over there. [points to a blank patch of grass]
Where? I don't see any. [bends over muttering, Nathan lights a firecracker, and puts it in Murderface's pants] There's no firecrackers. [the firecracker explodes] AHHH! THAT FUCKING HURTS!
Nathan
They're down there somewhere, just keep looking.
Alright. [bends over again, Nathan lights another firecracker, sets it in Murderface's pants and it explodes] AHHHH YOU MOTHERFUCKERS DID IT AGAIN!
Nathan
Murderface.
Nathan
You gotta find these firecrackers, they're down there somewhere.
Yeah, they're in the grass, look!
Smash your face into the grass and look hard. [Murderface looks some more, while Nathan lights yet another firecracker and sets it in Murderface's pants] There you go, now you got it. [it explodes]
OH YOU MOTHERFUCKER, OW THAT HURT!
OOffdensen
You know, Toki's kind of in a fragile state of mind right now. He could really use your support.
Ah, don't let him fool you. He's tough as nails.
Come on, you don't think Toki's gonna freak out or anything, you know, like do something-- should we hide the guns?
OOffdensen
Well I wouldn't go that far,I think he's just a little sad.
No, I mean he might kill us.
He's the one to do that, he's a strange-- I don't trust him.
Nathan
He's fucked in the head.
He's fucked in the head. I don't trust him and--
Nathan
Don't fucking do that to me.
Gots to go to Norway now, sees my dad die... Sees ya.
See yous laters, Tokis, haves a greats time.
Oh yeah, and say hi to your dad from us. I mean, if he doesn't die before you get there. Well, y'know, say hi to his corpse I guess. Y'know? I don't know.
Nathan
Yeah, no matter what happens, say hi.
[the band, while sightseeing in Norway, go to a Black Metal store.]
This is my olds friend, Vrunkus Snorge.
VVrunkus
Well, if it isn't the commercially successfuls Toki Wartooth.
Nathan
Guy seems like an asshole.
VVrunkus
I am pagans dropped in this conservative hell that is Norway.
Man, what the fuck are you listenin' to?
VVrunkus
This ams a demo tape from my band Hestekuk, what means "a horse's dick". Do you like it?
Nathan
Hey, where's all the Dethklok albums?
VVrunkus
I don't sell them. [scoffs] Too digital.
[reading a pamphlet about Norway] Hey did you know that Norway has the lowest murder rate in the whole world? The lowest in the world?!
Nathan
Wait a minute, you mean the murder rate in Canada is higher than Norway?
Nathan
Oh my God, that's lame! This place is lame.
Admit it Toki, Norway's not brutal.
Nathan
Danbury, Connecticut is more brutal.
Yeah, dude. Tomahawk, Wisconsin, it's way more brutal. At least we got crystal meth!
Nathan
What do you want like a shot or whatever?
Yeah, whatsevers gets us drunks the fastest.
Nathan
[to the guys behind the counter] You, hey you! Right there, vodka, two doubles.
Nathan
...'cause we got lots of cash.
C1Clerk 1
Fellas, it doesn't actually work that wan, man.
C2Clerk 2
Not that way man.
C1Clerk 1
But I'll tell you what. [whispering] You guys like shots?
Nathan
Uh, yeah sure fine.
C2Clerk 2
How 'bout this guys? How about a totally cool shot of ice-cold mountain water?
C2Clerk 2
Chilled with, cucumber slices?
C1Clerk 1
Or maybe you're feeling zazzy? How 'bout some of this, sparkling cherry-applesauce drink?
C2Clerk 2
How 'bout you,Tonto? You look like you have a taste for things south of the border. You like margaritas?
Nathan
[muttered] Uh-huh.
C1Clerk 1
I think that's a yes!
C2Clerk 2
If you love margaritas, why not try some...lemonade?
Nathan
This is bullshit! Don't fuck with us! You got alcohol?
C1Clerk 1
We have something better!
Nathan
What would that be?
C2Clerk 2
An apple, God's alcohol.
Nathan
[leans over the counter and starts beckoning them] Hey could you come here really quickly? Both of you come here, I just wanna tell you something...
C2Clerk 2
[both clerks lean over the counter] I'm right here.
C1Clerk 1
What's going on?
Nathan
I just wanna tell you something...
Nathan
Yeah, a little bit, little bit closer.
Nathan
Hi.
Nathan
[pulls them to his face] Don't ever fuck with me and alcohol, got it?
So wait, just so i understand, you're all passing on Takin' it Easy?
Nathan
Yeah, We pass.
I can't even begin to believe that. You know what! Fuck YOU! I'm keeping that song for Planet Piss.
So I'ms in Planet Piss now?
NO! Fuck you, you're not in Planet Piss! You fucking greedy asshole! No.
I'll fucking sues you Murderface! Thats mine!
What?! What are you fucking doing!? (inaudiable) Are you going to throw a basket of hot towels on me?!?
Yes I'm going to throws the basket of hot towels at you!
I don't think you should!
Because, those towels are really hot!! Don't fucking throw hot towels you lunatic!!
Sorry guys, wrap for the day. Cuttin' ya loose, we'll be back.
Nathan
Where you going? You getting food? Get Indian!
Get some fucking French toast this time, you cocksmokers!
I'm sick of French toast!
We're not getting food, guys.
We are goings to records my guitar part, and it may be the most dangerous things I ams ever dones.
Because I ams a tones-chaser.
Nathan
That'd be funny if he said he was a squirrel-chaser. That'd be funnier, you know. Pickles, squirrel-chaser!
[clearly annoyed] Yeah, I know.
Metalocalypse · 448 quotes
