RayYou know, try to yuck my yum with Gina.
I'm not trying to yuck your yum, I'm trying to protect you.
Ray
Well, who asked you? I never see my mom! Let me enjoy it!
Look, Ray, I really didn't want to have to tell you this, but… Your mom, she tried to seduce me.
Ray
You fuck my mom?
Ray
Oh! So what are you saying? You're too good to fuck my mom?!
What is wrong with you? Ow!
Ray
You should be so lucky, friend! The things she could teach you!
Yeah, like how incredible penicillin is?
Ray
Yeah!
Oh, my God! Ray, she is a bad mom!
Ray
Well, you are a bad friend!
Oh! Well, you're a… fool!
Ray
Oh, really?! Well, then you're not invited to my birthday party!
Good, I don't want to go to a fool's birthday party!
Ray
Good, because I don't want you there!
Well, good luck planning this event without me, because the caterer is an absolute nightmare to deal with!
Ray
[looking over his shopping list] All right, let's see. I got a rusty fan, refrigerator door, mangled shoe.
Ray
All I've got is statement pieces. I need basics. God, why is junk so expensive these days?
Ugh, we've been shopping all morning. Can we please just go home?
Ray
No, I gotta fill up my place again. Ever since my mom took all my stuff, I feel like such a loser.
Okay, well, with all due respect, I am a way bigger loser than you are.
Ray
What? No!
I have no money and no prospects. I'm already a burden to my parents. And I'm frightened.
Ray
Huh! I think you are a bigger loser than I am.
[Watering Hole bar; A heartbroken Zeke tells Ray, Fawn, and Penelope about Carlos breaking up with him]
Ray
I'm sorry. Help me out, Zeke. Who… Who's Carlos? I barely know who you are.
Carlos is the moose who helped him figure out he's gay. Okay, so, Zeke, what exactly did he say?
[Flashback at Zeke's house]
CCarlos
I don't want to be your boyfriend.
[weeping] But I love you!
CCarlos
No, you don't. Name one thing you love about me.
That you're… That you're gay?
[Back to the present]
Okay, what happened next?
[Flashback resumes]
CCarlos
You're a baby gay, and I'm not looking to change diapers.
What does that even mean?
CCarlos
It means that you're fresh out of the closet. You should be going fuck crazy. Get out there! Get laid!
[weeping emotionally] But you just said I'm a baby! That's wrong!
[Back to the present again]
Ray
Zeke, you foolish moose. [slaps him in the face three times] This… Is… A… Gift!
I mean, Ray does have a point. You've only slept with one guy.
Ray
Exactly. You gotta get out there and put your thing in their thing. And then, if you're down, they'll put their thing in your thing. And then, I don't know, you guys all go to the gym?
So you want me to just go out there and have a bunch of random bad sex?
Ray
Yeah!
Even the bad sex is educational. It teaches you what good sex is.
Mmm, cuddle puddle. This is what it's all about. Warmth and closeness without penetration.
Hey, Gus, I hope this isn't too forward, but I'd like to make you tiny little clothes.
Ooh, and I would wear them!
Ray
Ugh. Cuddling without sеx?
Just try to enjoy it. Here, stroke this tail.
Ray
That's my tail! Ugh! This is not what I came here for!
Just relax into the cuddle.
Ray
[taking a whiff of something; sniffing] Wait. Wait a minute. I'm smelling something. [follows the scent] Sweat. Anal secretions. Ooh, lubricant? [pokes his head through a bush and finds some animals having a sex party] Ho, ho, ho, it's an orgy! Here I come, my fellow heathens!
NNina
[grabs him by the tail] Ah-ah-ah! 29 more days.
Ray
Oh! Uh, Nina, hey! Surely we can fast-track the process for someone who… you know, doesn't want to wait.
Ray
Hey, whoa, whoa. What am I even signing?
Because you broke the rules.
Ray
Oh, grow up.
NNina
And if it happens again, we'll be forced to ask you to leave.
Ray
Shut up, Gus. Your beret looks stupid.
[Gus gasps in heartbreak shock]
Ray! [grabs him and drags him outside] What the hell is wrong with you?! I made him that beret! That's one of the best berets I've ever made!
Ray
This place is bullshit! A polycule is supposed to be about freeing ourselves from the rules of monogamy.
Ray
But now, there's just new other rules.
The rules protect us! Without them, it's anarchy!
Ray
That's exactly what I want! Sexual chaos with like-minded freaks. I'm tired of the tyranny.
Hey. Who am I? [imitating Arnold] "It's not fun if you don't try it, Josh!"
[also imitating Arnold] "I'm gonna hit this pinecone right in your pussy!"
"Awesome-sauce!" [bleats]
It's so fun. I wish I could find this, you know, but with a girl.
Yes, me too, but with a girl who likes boys because I'm… I'm a boy.
Wait, I just had an amazing idea. And it's not just 'cause I'm high. I mean, it might be, but it's good.
What if… what we have right here is exactly…
…what we've been looking for…
Yes! We don't need some idealized concept of romance. We can be gaga for each other.
Yes, like a platonic couple!
Friends with emotional benefits!
Penelope, you are a genius.
No, we are a genius, baby.
[entering the house; dejected] Hey, guys.
Fawn, Fawn, Fawn! We figured it out! We don't need to date other animals, because we are a platonic couple. [he and Penelope hug together]
Isn't that just friendship?
Hey, don't diminish our bond when you're the one dating the "bro-goat" from hell.
Ugh, I know. I have to dump Arnold, right?
He kinda makes me think less of you.
[Ray and Addy appear]
Ray
Hi, guys! This is Addy.
JPJosh & Penelope
Hi, Addy.
Ray
To me, she is my girlfriend. Together, we more than like each other. Now you may clap.
AAddy
[chuckles] Thank you, Ray. That was quite an introduction.
Ray
Hey, Gregg.
Ray
You know, Addy would really like it if you and I were friends.
Ray
And, as a token of my esteem, I brought you this baseball signed by Pete Rose that says, "I'm sorry for betting on baseball."
Ray
Uh-huh.
GGregg
Well, I'm glad things are going so well. You're a very lucky raccoon.
Ray
Lucky? What, uh… What's that supposed to mean?
GGregg
Nothing! It's just… I mean, Addy's amazing.
Ray
And what, Gregg, I'm not? Is that what you're saying? That she's too good for me?
Ray
Oh, I knew it! You think because you both got your long necks and your good voices, and your pecker goes corkscrew like this, and her wawa goes corkscrew like that?! You'd be a perfect match?!
GGregg
Hey, buddy, are you having sexual problems?
Ray
[losing control of his temper] YOU SHUT YOUR GODDAMN BEAK! [starts strangling him by the neck]
Ray
Dylan, my man!
Wait, that's Dylan? The "best lover you ever had because the connection wasn't just physical, it was spiritual" Dylan?
Ray
Guys, look! It's Dylan!
Ray
Dude, what the hell are you doing here?
Oh, I'm actually, uh, here for my bachelor party.
WWolves
Bachelor party! [howling]
Whoa. [laughs nervously] You're getting married?
Yeah, she's an antelope. Her name is Cynthia.
An antelope, so, like, a more athletic deer.
Ray
Is she hot? Oh, I bet she's hot!
Um, you guys should come to the wedding.
Yeah! A bunch of her cousins ran into an electric fence, so we have an empty table.
Ray
Absolutely yes!
Ray
[mocking Penelope] "Oh, I'm Penelope. I want Ray to feel his feelings. Boo-hoo."
Bad impression. Stop that.
Ray
No! I'm not gonna stop, because I'm mad and you should be too!
Ray
Me?! You should be mad at Summer! That stupid mutt left you to drown like a pile of trash!
What?! No, that is not what happened!
Ray
If that bitch…
Ray
…actually gave a shit about you, she'd be here right now!
Ray
But she's not. Because she's probably up in Canada, sixty-nining a fucking wolverine--
[fully enraged] SHUT UP! [violently punches him in the face, knocking him out unconscious]
Guys… I don't think I can do it. I actually like Cynthia.
Before she was just some abstract obstacle, but now I know the victim.
Ray
Ah, like most murderers.
CCynthia
[clinking her glass to get everyone's attention] Hey, everyone! Uh, Dylan and I wanted to thank you all so much for coming to our rehearsal dinner. Please enjoy the open bar, because my dad's paying.
CSCynthia's Dad
[laughs] Okay, but just two drinks each.
CCynthia
Hey, I'm his only child! Go crazy!
Oh, gosh. She is delightful.
Exactly! I can't steal her fiancé. I don't care how luscious his bone is.
[looking at a stack of cupcakes on the table] Speaking of luscious, nobody'll notice if I just take a little… [eats a piece of frosting]
JJojo
Mmm, naughty, naughty.
[yelps in surprise] Yeah, you caught me. I'm disgusting!
JJojo
No. No, you are not. You are a scamp.
JJojo
Hell, yeah! You follow your own rules. And I gotta say you look damn fine doing it. [gives her the drawing] See what I mean?
Wow! This is what I look like to you?
JJojo
Well, I did have to tone it down a little. I mean, there are children around.
DDavid
[gazing at the drawing] Whoa! I think my nuts just dropped.
DSDavid's Mom
David! Don't look at that filth! [sensually] That's for mommy's eyes only.
[meeting up with Ray on the beach] Why are you up so early?
Ray
I couldn't sleep. I'm too horny. I gotta get laid soon or I'm gonna choke on my backed up jizz. What are you doing up?
I had sex with Jojo all night on the beach.
Ray
Oh!
Ray
Ah, you got sand in the pipes, huh?
Ray
Okay, what you want to do, and this is gonna sound counterintuitive--
Ray
But you need to put more sand in.
Ray
So then what's the problem?
Ray
Oh!
I haven't felt like this since I was with Summer.
Ray
So you like her! That's a good thing!
I can't even look at her without thinking about how sad I'll be when I go home.
Ray
Oh, come on! Whatever happened to having a fling? You know, taking a page out of my slutty little book.
Ray, I gotta be honest. I only skimmed your book.
Ray
What? But your notes, they were so insightful and specific!
Ray
I did a page one rewrite.
[sighs] I couldn't do it. She looked too happy.
What? But she deserves to know the truth!
Pen, just stop. Maybe last night was a one-time thing, and it's out of his system. Lots of guys have a last fling, right?
Ray
Yes! Everybody fucks a deer the night before their wedding. My uncle rimmed an entire herd.
Does anyone else but Ray have a take?
Dearly beloved. We are gathered here today to witness the union of Cynthia Mulroney and Dylan McDermott.
The bride and groom have elected to write their own vows. [gives Dylan the microphone] Dylan, knock my socks off.
[clears throat] Cynthia, when I close my eyes… I think of you.
When I wake up in the morning, I think of you.
You've gotta be kidding me.
The way you laugh, the way you talk, the way you look at me before we kiss.
[incredulously] This asshole's got one fucking move.
Oh, wow. My shoes are gonna stink, because my socks are all the way off. Cynthia.
CCynthia
[as Dylan passes the microphone to her; laughs softly] Dylan, meeting you has changed my life. I know that I may seem confident and self-assured, but inside, I… never really felt like I deserved love.
CCynthia
It wasn't until I met you that I truly learned to like myself.
CCynthia
Because if you love me, then I guess I must be good.
[Fawn exhales deeply]
Now, if anyone here knows of any reason why these two cuties shouldn't be married, please speak now or forever hold your peace… [echoes]
[as Josh and Penelope's words float around in her head; then gives in] God damn it. [standing up] I do! I know a reason!
[softly] What are you doing?
[sighs softly] Cynthia… I know how it feels to think you don't deserve love.
GGGoose Guest
We can't hear you in the back, honey! Speak up!
[loudly] I know what it's like to think you don't deserve love!
GGuest
Whoa, we're not deaf!
Ugh. [in normal tone] That you're only special if a guy makes you feel special. But you're amazing.
CCynthia
[awkwardly] Okay…
And you don't have to hinge your self-worth on anyone else, much less Dylan, because… Dylan and I--
GGGoat Guest
Dylan and I slept together last week!
BGBeaver Guest
What?! He fucked me three days ago!
CCynthia
Are you kidding me?
MMeghan
Um, excuse me. He also slept with me yesterday.
Ray
God, I picked the wrong beaver.
Full disclosure, I did suck him off before the precession, but only to help him relax.
CCynthia
[pissed off] Dylan, what the fuck?! [throws her bouquet of flowers at him in the chest]
Babe, I'm so sorry! I thought I could be tame, but I'm a wild animal! [rips off his uniform]
Ray
Thank you! Someone finally said it! We're all wild animals! Why are any of us getting married? Why are we staying at a hotel?! Why are we wearing clothes?!
[as she and Josh try to calm him down] Not the time!
CCynthia
Hey, Uncle Doug, you still got that medieval sword?
DUncle Doug
[wields out his medieval sword from his scabbard] FOR NARNIA!
[Cynthia watches in satisfaction as her family chase Dylan off into the sunset]
Mating Season · 49 quotes
