Dearly beloved. We are gathered here today to witness the union of Cynthia Mulroney and Dylan McDermott.
Whoa.
Some names.
The bride and groom have elected to write their own vows. [gives Dylan the microphone] Dylan, knock my socks off.
[clears throat] Cynthia, when I close my eyes… I think of you.
Huh?
When I wake up in the morning, I think of you.
You've gotta be kidding me.
The way you laugh, the way you talk, the way you look at me before we kiss.
[incredulously] This asshole's got one fucking move.
Oh, wow. My shoes are gonna stink, because my socks are all the way off. Cynthia.
[as Dylan passes the microphone to her; laughs softly] Dylan, meeting you has changed my life. I know that I may seem confident and self-assured, but inside, I… never really felt like I deserved love.
Ouch.
It wasn't until I met you that I truly learned to like myself.
Oh, Cynthia…
Because if you love me, then I guess I must be good.
[Fawn exhales deeply]
Now, if anyone here knows of any reason why these two cuties shouldn't be married, please speak now or forever hold your peace… [echoes]
[as Josh and Penelope's words float around in her head; then gives in] God damn it. [standing up] I do! I know a reason!
Ooh! Speak now.
Fawn?
[softly] What are you doing?
[sighs softly] Cynthia… I know how it feels to think you don't deserve love.
We can't hear you in the back, honey! Speak up!
[loudly] I know what it's like to think you don't deserve love!
Whoa, we're not deaf!
Ugh. [in normal tone] That you're only special if a guy makes you feel special. But you're amazing.
[awkwardly] Okay…
And you don't have to hinge your self-worth on anyone else, much less Dylan, because… Dylan and I--
Dylan and I slept together last week!
What?! He fucked me three days ago!
Are you kidding me?
Um, excuse me. He also slept with me yesterday.
Meghan!
God, I picked the wrong beaver.
Full disclosure, I did suck him off before the precession, but only to help him relax.
Well, it did help.
This is a nightmare.
[pissed off] Dylan, what the fuck?! [throws her bouquet of flowers at him in the chest]
Babe, I'm so sorry! I thought I could be tame, but I'm a wild animal! [rips off his uniform]
Thank you! Someone finally said it! We're all wild animals! Why are any of us getting married? Why are we staying at a hotel?! Why are we wearing clothes?!
[as she and Josh try to calm him down] Not the time!
Uh-uh.
Hey, Uncle Doug, you still got that medieval sword?
[wields out his medieval sword from his scabbard] FOR NARNIA!
[Cynthia watches in satisfaction as her family chase Dylan off into the sunset]
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