JoshRay, have you seen Olivia?
Right! Yeah, Olivia. [laughs nervously]
Josh
What? What's wrong?
You know you overslept by, like, two weeks, right?
Josh
I did?
Yeah, and Olivia… she gone.
Josh
She gone? She gone where?
She's with this new bear, this big motherfucker named Carson.
Josh
What?! How could she leave me? It's mating season!
Yeah, I know. Everyone's coupling up big time.
[Zoom out, showing all the forest animals coupling with each other while copulating]
RRabbit
I'm gonna put 10 to 15 babies in you!
SSquirrel
Now, I'm not sure how we're gonna make this work physically, but goddamn it, Keith, I love you.
KKeith
Well, maybe love is enough.
Josh
Oh, God! I'm all alone! [starts to sob]
[While all the forest animals are attending the funeral of Fawn's mother, Sheila…]
[to Josh; quietly] By the way, I'm so sorry about Olivia.
Josh
[whispering] Am I the only one who didn't know?
Josh
I'm aware!
You should have woken up earlier, dude!
Josh
[sarcastically] Oh, thank you, Penelope.
How do you think? Her mother was killed by a frickin' hunter! She's like Bambi.
Uh, well, Bambi was a child.
Josh
And he witnessed the murder.
Josh
Yeah, and it clearly affected him as an adult.
Well, yeah, Bambi was for sure damaged.
That said, what he did to those squirrels was inexcusable.
Josh
Of course.
I mean, fully molested those squirrels.
But then I'm like those parents should have never let those little squirrel kids stay at his ranch.
Ugh! Don't even get me started on those parents.
All due respect, Cassie, you seem… fine.
But what the hell do you see in my dusty old dad?
CCassie
Honestly, I love dating older stags.
CCassie
'Cause younger males suck!
CCassie
They can't pay for dinner, and they're not even remotely dependable, or like, emotionally evolved. They're pathetic. [walks off]
Josh
Oh, God. Is that why Olivia left me?
Almost certainly. I mean, you guys do suck.
[referring to Josh] He's a whimpering mess, [then to Ray] and you have some major mommy issues.
What are you talking about? I have the best and prettiest mommy in the world!
Hey, my mother is a saint! She brought me into this world, and she has every right to take me out of it!
[Later that night… at The Watering Hole bar]
[proposing a toast] To my father and Cassie, may they both get rabies.
Hey, I know you're hurting right now, Fawn, but that's not so funny. I've actually lost a lot of friends to rabies.
Yeah. Rabies is our AIDS. Also, feline AIDS is our AIDS.
[after Josh accidentally bites off Carson's genitals] What did you do?!
Josh
I just… I just bit his dick, like you said!
I didn't say bite it off!
SSamantha
He bit it off?!
Josh
I thought there'd be more resistance! It was like biting into a yam.
Josh, you were just supposed to nip the sack.
OOlivia
[kneeling down next to Carson as he gushes out blood from his genital system; tearfully] We've gotta get him to the hospital!
Josh
Ugh. Yep, I can see it.
Josh
Hibernation's gonna be here again. And I'll have to sleep all by myself, spooning a rock.
Buddy, Joshie, you know what you gotta do?
Josh
Meet a rock?
No! You gotta get back on the horse!
Josh
Mmm! You know, I've always wanted to date a horse.
No, dumb-dumb, I meant you gotta get back to dating, pronto.
Josh
But how would I even meet somebody? It seems impossible.
Josh
Ugh.
The dating sites, they're a shitshow filled with the detritus of society.
I thought it was "de-tritus."
GGeoffrey
Fun fact, it can actually be pronounced either way.
Not this fucking owl again. [shoves him aside]
Yeah, you're not a part of the group.
GGeoffrey
[dances on the table] Sure I am!
Yeah, we are not friends!
GGeoffrey
We will be! [flies away]
Honestly, I would kill for a lull.
Yeah, I've been seeing this bunny, McKayleigh.
And I really like her. But she's insatiable.
Okay, but by the fifth or sixth time, Lil' Raymond Valentine isn't, you know, at full salute. I can't keep up!
But sex is like your whole thing.
Exactly. It's my whole identity! It's who I am! Without it, I'm just gorgeous in the face.
Josh
[showing up; dejectedly] Hey, guys.
What's the matter with you?
Josh
Ugh, I haven't slept. My parents were up all night making rumble tumble.
Josh
No, not good for them! Bad for them! And bad for Joshie!
I can't believe your dad's still getting it up at his age. Go, Robert.
He's probably taking horny goat weed.
Josh
You think?
Yeah. A lot of older guys do. And I'm sure my dad does because he's been bragging about his "stamina."
Ugh, the wrong parent died.
Thank you. You know, Ray, maybe you should try some horny goat weed for your little problem.
[spitting out his drink] What?! Excuse you! I don't need pills. I'm young. I'm in my prime.
CCeleste
[magically appearing; menacingly] You will die!
CCeleste
I am Celeste the Psychic. Heed my warning, trash cat. You will die before this week is through. Unless…
CCeleste
Unless you pay me to read your cards.
RRobert
You freeloading bastard, where are they?!
Josh
What? I... I have no idea what you're talking about.
RRobert
I know you stole my hоrny goat weed!
Josh
I don't even know what that is. Is that for like OMSD?
RRobert
What the hell is OMSD?
Josh
I think it stands for, um… "old man soft dіck"?
[to Josh and Ray] What the fuck are you guys doing here?
Josh
I'm also here.
Yes, I can see that, Josh, but why?
Josh
Because it's a full moon! [howls along with Ray, Dylan, and all the other wolves] And, when we went to the dump…
Josh
I got the perfect gift for Olivia. [takes out a pair of nunchucks] Ta-fucking-da, bitch.
Yeah. You can smack stuff with 'em. Show her, Josh.
Josh
[swings them around, breaking stuff, and accidentally hits himself in the snout] Ow! My snout!
[takes them out of his hand] You think Olivia wants a karate weapon from the dump for her anniversary?
You know, when a lady says it, it really does sound like a crappy gift.
Josh
Oh, man! [runs out of the house] Somebody help me! What do girls like?!
You know, try to yuck my yum with Gina.
Josh
I'm not trying to yuck your yum, I'm trying to protect you.
Well, who asked you? I never see my mom! Let me enjoy it!
Josh
Look, Ray, I really didn't want to have to tell you this, but… Your mom, she tried to seduce me.
Josh
What? No, of course not!
Oh! So what are you saying? You're too good to fuck my mom?!
Josh
What is wrong with you? Ow!
You should be so lucky, friend! The things she could teach you!
Josh
Yeah, like how incredible penicillin is?
Josh
Oh, my God! Ray, she is a bad mom!
Well, you are a bad friend!
Josh
Oh! Well, you're a… fool!
Oh, really?! Well, then you're not invited to my birthday party!
Josh
Good, I don't want to go to a fool's birthday party!
Good, because I don't want you there!
Josh
Well, good luck planning this event without me, because the caterer is an absolute nightmare to deal with!
[looking over his shopping list] All right, let's see. I got a rusty fan, refrigerator door, mangled shoe.
Josh
Ray…
All I've got is statement pieces. I need basics. God, why is junk so expensive these days?
Josh
Ugh, we've been shopping all morning. Can we please just go home?
No, I gotta fill up my place again. Ever since my mom took all my stuff, I feel like such a loser.
Josh
Okay, well, with all due respect, I am a way bigger loser than you are.
Josh
I have no money and no prospects. I'm already a burden to my parents. And I'm frightened.
Huh! I think you are a bigger loser than I am.
Mmm, cuddle puddle. This is what it's all about. Warmth and closeness without penetration.
Josh
Hey, Gus, I hope this isn't too forward, but I'd like to make you tiny little clothes.
Ooh, and I would wear them!
Ugh. Cuddling without sеx?
Josh
Just try to enjoy it. Here, stroke this tail.
That's my tail! Ugh! This is not what I came here for!
Josh
Just relax into the cuddle.
[taking a whiff of something; sniffing] Wait. Wait a minute. I'm smelling something. [follows the scent] Sweat. Anal secretions. Ooh, lubricant? [pokes his head through a bush and finds some animals having a sex party] Ho, ho, ho, it's an orgy! Here I come, my fellow heathens!
NNina
[grabs him by the tail] Ah-ah-ah! 29 more days.
Oh! Uh, Nina, hey! Surely we can fast-track the process for someone who… you know, doesn't want to wait.
Hey, whoa, whoa. What am I even signing?
Josh
Because you broke the rules.
NNina
And if it happens again, we'll be forced to ask you to leave.
Shut up, Gus. Your beret looks stupid.
[Gus gasps in heartbreak shock]
Josh
Ray! [grabs him and drags him outside] What the hell is wrong with you?! I made him that beret! That's one of the best berets I've ever made!
This place is bullshit! A polycule is supposed to be about freeing ourselves from the rules of monogamy.
Josh
No--
But now, there's just new other rules.
Josh
The rules protect us! Without them, it's anarchy!
That's exactly what I want! Sexual chaos with like-minded freaks. I'm tired of the tyranny.
Mating Season · 49 quotes
