Penelope quotes from Mating Season

Penelope

I love our friend group.

Penelope

[to Josh; quietly] By the way, I'm so sorry about Olivia.

Josh

[whispering] Am I the only one who didn't know?

Penelope

You really overslept!

Josh

I'm aware!

Penelope

You should have woken up earlier, dude!

Josh

[sarcastically] Oh, thank you, Penelope.

Ray

How's Fawn doing?

Penelope

How do you think? Her mother was killed by a frickin' hunter! She's like Bambi.

Ray

Uh, well, Bambi was a child.

Josh

And he witnessed the murder.

Ray

That's serious trauma.

Josh

Yeah, and it clearly affected him as an adult.

Penelope

Well, yeah, Bambi was for sure damaged.

Ray

That said, what he did to those squirrels was inexcusable.

Josh

Of course.

Ray

I mean, fully molested those squirrels.

Penelope

He fully did.

Ray

But then I'm like those parents should have never let those little squirrel kids stay at his ranch.

Penelope

Ugh! Don't even get me started on those parents.

Oh! He's cute.

Fawn

All due respect, Cassie, you seem… fine.

Aw, thank you.

Fawn

But what the hell do you see in my dusty old dad?

Honestly, I love dating older stags.

Fawn

Really?

Ray

Why?

Penelope

Yeah, why?

'Cause younger males suck!

Ray

Hey!

They can't pay for dinner, and they're not even remotely dependable, or like, emotionally evolved. They're pathetic. [walks off]

Josh

Oh, God. Is that why Olivia left me?

Penelope

Of course not.

Fawn

Almost certainly. I mean, you guys do suck.

Ray

Excuse you!

Fawn

[referring to Josh] He's a whimpering mess, [then to Ray] and you have some major mommy issues.

Ray

What are you talking about? I have the best and prettiest mommy in the world!

Fawn

She tried to eat you.

Ray

That's what raccoons do!

Penelope

Eh, still.

Ray

Hey, my mother is a saint! She brought me into this world, and she has every right to take me out of it!

Penelope

Okay!

Fawn

[proposing a toast] To my father and Cassie, may they both get rabies.

Ray

Hey, I know you're hurting right now, Fawn, but that's not so funny. I've actually lost a lot of friends to rabies.

Penelope

Oh, no. I'm sorry.

Ray

Yeah. Rabies is our AIDS. Also, feline AIDS is our AIDS.

Josh

Ugh. Yep, I can see it.

Penelope

What?

Josh

Hibernation's gonna be here again. And I'll have to sleep all by myself, spooning a rock.

Ray

Buddy, Joshie, you know what you gotta do?

Josh

Meet a rock?

Ray

No! You gotta get back on the horse!

Josh

Mmm! You know, I've always wanted to date a horse.

Ray

No, dumb-dumb, I meant you gotta get back to dating, pronto.

Josh

But how would I even meet somebody? It seems impossible.

Penelope

Oh, yeah, it is.

Fawn

It's a nightmare.

Josh

Ugh.

Fawn

The dating sites, they're a shitshow filled with the detritus of society.

Ray

I thought it was "de-tritus."

Fun fact, it can actually be pronounced either way.

Ray

Not this fucking owl again. [shoves him aside]

Fawn

Yeah, you're not a part of the group.

[dances on the table] Sure I am!

Ray

Oh, my God, get lost!

Penelope

Yeah, we are not friends!

We will be! [flies away]

Fawn

Jesus!

Ray

This fucking guy!

Fawn

Penelope, what's going on?

Penelope

You don't like pussy or mushrooms!

Fawn

I do, if they're cooked in a Marsala.

Penelope

You know, you don't fucking know anything, okay? You know what this is?!

Fawn

[scoffs] What?

Penelope

Hen of the Woods! You know what this is?! Red reishi!

Fawn

You're not giving me time to answer!

Penelope

You know what this is?! A rock! Trick question!

Fawn

What is wrong with you?

Penelope

What's wrong with me?!

Fawn

Yeah!

Penelope

I'll tell you what! You're stealing my thing! You don't belong here!

Hold on. Your breaking rule #1. You're coming down with bad vibes.

Seriously, Penelope.

Your ass needs to leave.

Penelope

You know what? Fine, "lesbians." But I'm taking my Hen of the Woods, and I'm taking this rock! And guess what, I'm taking Nancy's guitar!

[hugging her guitar, tightly] No! I couldn't have children! This guitar is all I have! [starts sobbing]

Fawn

Jesus, Penelope!

You made Nancy talk?

Penelope

[angrily] You… Ugh. You can all eat my juicy asshole! Except for you, Fawn! No butt for you! [storms off]

Fawn

I don't even want butt!

Ray

Honestly, I would kill for a lull.

Penelope

Really?

Ray

Yeah, I've been seeing this bunny, McKayleigh.

Fawn

Ridiculous name.

Ray

And I really like her. But she's insatiable.

Fawn

Well, she is a bunny.

Ray

Okay, but by the fifth or sixth time, Lil' Raymond Valentine isn't, you know, at full salute. I can't keep up!

Penelope

But sex is like your whole thing.

Ray

Exactly. It's my whole identity! It's who I am! Without it, I'm just gorgeous in the face.

Josh

[showing up; dejectedly] Hey, guys.

Fawn

What's the matter with you?

Josh

Ugh, I haven't slept. My parents were up all night making rumble tumble.

Ray

Wow.

Penelope

Good for them!

Josh

No, not good for them! Bad for them! And bad for Joshie!

Ray

I can't believe your dad's still getting it up at his age. Go, Robert.

Fawn

He's probably taking horny goat weed.

Josh

You think?

Fawn

Yeah. A lot of older guys do. And I'm sure my dad does because he's been bragging about his "stamina."

Penelope

Ugh, the wrong parent died.

Fawn

Thank you. You know, Ray, maybe you should try some horny goat weed for your little problem.

Ray

[spitting out his drink] What?! Excuse you! I don't need pills. I'm young. I'm in my prime.

[magically appearing; menacingly] You will die!

Ray

What's that now?

I am Celeste the Psychic. Heed my warning, trash cat. You will die before this week is through. Unless…

Ray

Unless what?

Unless you pay me to read your cards.

I need you to focus on what your heart desires most.

Penelope

Uh, I feel like I should want to reverse climate change?

Boo, boring. Also, too late.

Penelope

Oh, bummer. Okay, well... [sighs] Maybe my heart desires love?

A little cliché, but we'll go with "love."

Penelope

Shut the door! I don't want them to see me like this.

Fawn

Oh, God, what's going on?

Penelope

I'm burrowing, okay?! Foxes do this when we're upset!

Fawn

What are you so upset about?

Penelope

I'm not upset! Fuck you! And NOTHING HAPPENED IN CANADA!

And then the hound chased Pen into the woods. I thought they were gonna rip her tit to taint!

[strictly] This is exactly why you're not supposed to go near that farm!

Penelope

Dad, she's being dramatic, okay?

Hounds are vicious, vile animals!

They won't stop until we're all dead and stuffed with sawdust.

With glass eyeballs!

Penelope

Guys! We're fine!

What if you ended up like Judy O'Doherty's son?

Torn to pieces!

What?

They found his head in the woods and his rump in the river, Penelope. He was gonna be an optometrist!

Penelope

Is that a good job? Or…

[sternly] You listen to me, young lady. This is not a game. You are not to go near that farm ever again. Understand?

Penelope

Yes, I understand.

[catching Penelope sneaking off, after snooping on the forbidden romance of her and Summer] Where do you think you're going?

Penelope

Jesus! Bethany, you scared the scat out of me.

I know you've been sneaking around with that hound.

Penelope

[gasps in shock] I have no idea what you're talking about.

Don't play dumb! I saw you have, like, 11 orgasms. You got finger blasted in a river…

Penelope

Would you shut up, you little creep?! [trying to keep her quiet]

[yelps] Mom! Dad!

Whoa! Whoa! What's going on?

Penelope's been sneaking off and hooking up with a hound!

What?!

Is this true?

Penelope

Yes, it's true! We're in love!

That's ridiculous!

Penelope, you are a fox. She is a hound!

Penelope

We're in a cave! This is a rock. Who cares?

Oh, my God! The whole filthy pack must have our scent by now!

We need to leave immediately!

Penelope

What?

If we stay, they'll track us, kill us in our sleep, tear open our insides and use our intestines as scarves!

Penelope

Dad, you've got to stop watching Fox News!

Both of you, pack up your things. We leave a daybreak.

Penelope

[throws down her suitcase] NO! You don't even know Summer! She would never hurt us!

I know she ain't nothing but a hound dog.

And she is not a friend of ours!

Penelope

[reaching her breaking point, on the verge of tears] YOU GUYS ARE RUINING MY LIFE! [runs out of the window, and heads towards the farm]

Ray

I'm sorry. Help me out, Zeke. Who… Who's Carlos? I barely know who you are.

Fawn

Carlos is the moose who helped him figure out he's gay. Okay, so, Zeke, what exactly did he say?

Zeke

[sobs] He said…

I don't want to be your boyfriend.

Zeke

[weeping] But I love you!

No, you don't. Name one thing you love about me.

Zeke

That you're… That you're gay?

Penelope

Oh, God, Zeke.

Zeke

But he is!

Fawn

Okay, what happened next?

Zeke

He said…

You're a baby gay, and I'm not looking to change diapers.

Zeke

What does that even mean?

It means that you're fresh out of the closet. You should be going fuck crazy. Get out there! Get laid!

Zeke

[weeping emotionally] But you just said I'm a baby! That's wrong!

Ray

Zeke, you foolish moose. [slaps him in the face three times] This… Is… A… Gift!

Zeke

Please stop hitting me.

Fawn

I mean, Ray does have a point. You've only slept with one guy.

Ray

Exactly. You gotta get out there and put your thing in their thing. And then, if you're down, they'll put their thing in your thing. And then, I don't know, you guys all go to the gym?

Zeke

So you want me to just go out there and have a bunch of random bad sex?

Ray

Yeah!

Fawn

Even the bad sex is educational. It teaches you what good sex is.

Zeke

This place is insane.

Fawn

The smell is interesting.

Penelope

Like shit, but not quite?

Fawn

It's shit-adjacent.

Penelope

I like it.

Sweetie, you like pussy, and this is a gay bar!

Penelope

But aren't we all part of one queer community built on acceptance and harmony?

Ew, shut up. You have your space. We have ours. Now go back to the Beaver Dam and sip on some natural wine.

Penelope

What?

Fawn

[whispering softly] Actually, that does sound nice.

Penelope

No! No, this is so fucked up! You can't just kick us out of here!

[scoffs] Typical cranky lesbian.

Penelope

The fuck you just say to me?! [attempts to pulverize him while Fawn tries to hold her back] I'm usually so fucking cheerful! YOU'RE THE ONE THAT MADE ME CRANKY!

Fawn

Pen, it's not worth it.

Penelope

Oh, this isn't over! You hear me?!

Whatever.

Penelope

And good luck when you need help building a deck, you piece of shit!

All right, who's ready for some trivia?

Penelope

[facepalms in annoyance] Ugh. No!

Fawn

[annoyed] Fuck me! You're the trivia host?

That is right!

We love Geoffrey!

Penelope

Of course you do.

Fawn

Why don't you just be friends with them and stop bothering us?

[turning his head to face them; whispering] They're not really my speed. They're so needy. [twirls his head, creeping them out]

Penelope

Ew! Don't whisper to me.

Fawn

Don't do that head thing.

Fawn

Call me "old-fashioned," or "trad," or "skinny," but when I'm with a guy, I want him all to myself.

Penelope

Okay, sure. But honestly, no one's lining up for to do monogamy with me.

Fawn

Come on, Pen.

Penelope

No, no, it's okay. Maybe I'm not meant to be somebody's everything. But I'm sure I could be somebody's something.