FawnAll due respect, Cassie, you seem… fine.
Fawn
But what the hell do you see in my dusty old dad?
CCassie
Honestly, I love dating older stags.
Fawn
Really?
CCassie
'Cause younger males suck!
CCassie
They can't pay for dinner, and they're not even remotely dependable, or like, emotionally evolved. They're pathetic. [walks off]
Oh, God. Is that why Olivia left me?
Fawn
Almost certainly. I mean, you guys do suck.
Fawn
[referring to Josh] He's a whimpering mess, [then to Ray] and you have some major mommy issues.
What are you talking about? I have the best and prettiest mommy in the world!
Fawn
She tried to eat you.
Hey, my mother is a saint! She brought me into this world, and she has every right to take me out of it!
[Later that night… at The Watering Hole bar]
Fawn
[proposing a toast] To my father and Cassie, may they both get rabies.
Hey, I know you're hurting right now, Fawn, but that's not so funny. I've actually lost a lot of friends to rabies.
Yeah. Rabies is our AIDS. Also, feline AIDS is our AIDS.
Fawn
Dad!
CCharles
My dear friend. I know this must be alarming.
AAlan
No shit! You're bucking my daughter!
Fawn
Well, you're bucking Cassie! She's somebody's daughter too!
CCassie
I'm also a yoga teacher.
CCharles
Well, let's just all just calm down. Fawn is an adult. She can make her own decisions.
AAlan
Oh, can she? You're twice her age!
Fawn
Oh, my God, you're such a hypocrite!
AAlan
Well, you, young lady, are a… a slut!
Fawn
Excuse me?!
CCharles
Hey. Don't talk to her that way.
AAlan
She's my daughter, Charles. And I'll talk to her however I want! [starts pawing his hooves on the ground]
CCharles
Oh, is that how it is? [doing the same thing]
AAlan
Yeah, that's how it is!
CCharles
Well, guess what? I can paw at the ground too, motherbucker!
AAlan
Can you? Can you paw at the ground? I can see that!
CCharles
Looks like we're both pawing.
CCharles
That seems to be the situation.
Fawn
Guys, please don't charge each other!
So, uh, how's it going with the, uh, geezers?
Fawn
Ugh, terrible. How's Carson?
OOlivia
What do you think?! Josh bit off his penis! He's doing bad!
Hibernation's gonna be here again. And I'll have to sleep all by myself, spooning a rock.
Buddy, Joshie, you know what you gotta do?
No! You gotta get back on the horse!
Mmm! You know, I've always wanted to date a horse.
No, dumb-dumb, I meant you gotta get back to dating, pronto.
But how would I even meet somebody? It seems impossible.
Fawn
It's a nightmare.
Fawn
The dating sites, they're a shitshow filled with the detritus of society.
I thought it was "de-tritus."
GGeoffrey
Fun fact, it can actually be pronounced either way.
Not this fucking owl again. [shoves him aside]
Fawn
Yeah, you're not a part of the group.
GGeoffrey
[dances on the table] Sure I am!
Yeah, we are not friends!
GGeoffrey
We will be! [flies away]
Fawn
Jesus!
Fawn
Penelope, what's going on?
You don't like pussy or mushrooms!
Fawn
I do, if they're cooked in a Marsala.
You know, you don't fucking know anything, okay? You know what this is?!
Fawn
[scoffs] What?
Hen of the Woods! You know what this is?! Red reishi!
Fawn
You're not giving me time to answer!
You know what this is?! A rock! Trick question!
Fawn
What is wrong with you?
Fawn
Yeah!
I'll tell you what! You're stealing my thing! You don't belong here!
[The other lesbians gasp in shock]
AAlex
Hold on. Your breaking rule #1. You're coming down with bad vibes.
LHLesbian Honey Badger
Seriously, Penelope.
AAlex
Your ass needs to leave.
You know what? Fine, "lesbians." But I'm taking my Hen of the Woods, and I'm taking this rock! And guess what, I'm taking Nancy's guitar!
NNancy
[hugging her guitar, tightly] No! I couldn't have children! This guitar is all I have! [starts sobbing]
Fawn
Jesus, Penelope!
AAlex
You made Nancy talk?
[angrily] You… Ugh. You can all eat my juicy asshole! Except for you, Fawn! No butt for you! [storms off]
Fawn
I don't even want butt!
Fawn
[walking along with Zeke] Okay, fine. I guess I'd fuck Alvin, marry Simon, and kill Theodore?
You'd kill Theodore? He's the cutest one.
Fawn
One of those chipmunks has to die. Those are the rules.
Honestly, I would kill for a lull.
Yeah, I've been seeing this bunny, McKayleigh.
Fawn
Ridiculous name.
And I really like her. But she's insatiable.
Fawn
Well, she is a bunny.
Okay, but by the fifth or sixth time, Lil' Raymond Valentine isn't, you know, at full salute. I can't keep up!
But sex is like your whole thing.
Exactly. It's my whole identity! It's who I am! Without it, I'm just gorgeous in the face.
[showing up; dejectedly] Hey, guys.
Fawn
What's the matter with you?
Ugh, I haven't slept. My parents were up all night making rumble tumble.
No, not good for them! Bad for them! And bad for Joshie!
I can't believe your dad's still getting it up at his age. Go, Robert.
Fawn
He's probably taking horny goat weed.
Fawn
Yeah. A lot of older guys do. And I'm sure my dad does because he's been bragging about his "stamina."
Ugh, the wrong parent died.
Fawn
Thank you. You know, Ray, maybe you should try some horny goat weed for your little problem.
[spitting out his drink] What?! Excuse you! I don't need pills. I'm young. I'm in my prime.
CCeleste
[magically appearing; menacingly] You will die!
CCeleste
I am Celeste the Psychic. Heed my warning, trash cat. You will die before this week is through. Unless…
CCeleste
Unless you pay me to read your cards.
Shut the door! I don't want them to see me like this.
Fawn
Oh, God, what's going on?
I'm burrowing, okay?! Foxes do this when we're upset!
Fawn
What are you so upset about?
I'm not upset! Fuck you! And NOTHING HAPPENED IN CANADA!
Fawn
[to Josh and Ray] What the fuck are you guys doing here?
Fawn
Yes, I can see that, Josh, but why?
Because it's a full moon! [howls along with Ray, Dylan, and all the other wolves] And, when we went to the dump…
I got the perfect gift for Olivia. [takes out a pair of nunchucks] Ta-fucking-da, bitch.
Fawn
Nunchucks?
Yeah. You can smack stuff with 'em. Show her, Josh.
[swings them around, breaking stuff, and accidentally hits himself in the snout] Ow! My snout!
Fawn
[takes them out of his hand] You think Olivia wants a karate weapon from the dump for her anniversary?
You know, when a lady says it, it really does sound like a crappy gift.
Oh, man! [runs out of the house] Somebody help me! What do girls like?!
Fawn
[to Dylan] I think it's insane that there's a full-blown party in my house right now. It's 4:00 in the morning!
Babe, it's a sacred night, and they're our guests.
Fawn
They're your guests, who you invited without asking me.
Fawn
And they're trashing our house.
Fawn
[swinging the nunchucks] No! If you say "full moon" again!
RWRay & Wolves
Full moon!
Fawn
[throws down the nunchucks, angrily having enough] That's it! EVERYONE OUT, RIGHT NOW! [opens the door, kicking Ray and all the other wolves out of the house]
Come on, sweetheart. Let's get out of here.
[after Fawn slams the door closed] What the hell was that?
Fawn
I am not doing this right now. I'm going (back) to sleep.
Fawn
No! [points to the sofa] That's your bed tonight! Bad wolf!
Fawn
[sarcastically when she sees the living room still in a mess that Dylan didn't clean up after the full moon party] Good. You didn't clean up.
[waking up; annoyed] Good morning to you too. Can we talk about you kicking my pack out last night, or do you need to stomp off again like a Clydesdale?
Fawn
Oh, we doing insults? You smell like fucking shit, buddy.
Fawn
And you were the asshole last night.
[Watering Hole bar; A heartbroken Zeke tells Ray, Fawn, and Penelope about Carlos breaking up with him]
I'm sorry. Help me out, Zeke. Who… Who's Carlos? I barely know who you are.
Fawn
Carlos is the moose who helped him figure out he's gay. Okay, so, Zeke, what exactly did he say?
[Flashback at Zeke's house]
CCarlos
I don't want to be your boyfriend.
[weeping] But I love you!
CCarlos
No, you don't. Name one thing you love about me.
That you're… That you're gay?
[Back to the present]
Fawn
Okay, what happened next?
[Flashback resumes]
CCarlos
You're a baby gay, and I'm not looking to change diapers.
What does that even mean?
CCarlos
It means that you're fresh out of the closet. You should be going fuck crazy. Get out there! Get laid!
[weeping emotionally] But you just said I'm a baby! That's wrong!
[Back to the present again]
Zeke, you foolish moose. [slaps him in the face three times] This… Is… A… Gift!
Fawn
I mean, Ray does have a point. You've only slept with one guy.
Exactly. You gotta get out there and put your thing in their thing. And then, if you're down, they'll put their thing in your thing. And then, I don't know, you guys all go to the gym?
So you want me to just go out there and have a bunch of random bad sex?
Fawn
Even the bad sex is educational. It teaches you what good sex is.
CCody
Sweetie, you like pussy, and this is a gay bar!
But aren't we all part of one queer community built on acceptance and harmony?
CCody
Ew, shut up. You have your space. We have ours. Now go back to the Beaver Dam and sip on some natural wine.
Fawn
[whispering softly] Actually, that does sound nice.
No! No, this is so fucked up! You can't just kick us out of here!
CCody
[scoffs] Typical cranky lesbian.
The fuck you just say to me?! [attempts to pulverize him while Fawn tries to hold her back] I'm usually so fucking cheerful! YOU'RE THE ONE THAT MADE ME CRANKY!
Fawn
Pen, it's not worth it.
Oh, this isn't over! You hear me?!
And good luck when you need help building a deck, you piece of shit!
GGeoffrey
All right, who's ready for some trivia?
[facepalms in annoyance] Ugh. No!
Fawn
[annoyed] Fuck me! You're the trivia host?
Fawn
Why don't you just be friends with them and stop bothering us?
GGeoffrey
[turning his head to face them; whispering] They're not really my speed. They're so needy. [twirls his head, creeping them out]
Fawn
Don't do that head thing.
Mating Season · 49 quotes
