Ray Skidski quotes from Mating Season

Ray

[entering the bathroom] Oh, you're doing great, buddy! Everybody's talking about it! Just gotta give you your special vitamin, make you a big boy. Although, if I was a stud on one pill, what would happen if I took all the pills? Ooh, I'd be a freakin' sex god! [laughs manically]

Josh

Ray, have you seen Olivia?

Ray

Right! Yeah, Olivia. [laughs nervously]

Josh

What? What's wrong?

Ray

You know you overslept by, like, two weeks, right?

Josh

I did?

Ray

Yeah, and Olivia… she gone.

Josh

She gone? She gone where?

Ray

She's with this new bear, this big motherfucker named Carson.

Josh

What?! How could she leave me? It's mating season!

Ray

Yeah, I know. Everyone's coupling up big time.

I'm gonna put 10 to 15 babies in you!

Now, I'm not sure how we're gonna make this work physically, but goddamn it, Keith, I love you.

Well, maybe love is enough.

Josh

Oh, God! I'm all alone! [starts to sob]

Penelope

[to Josh; quietly] By the way, I'm so sorry about Olivia.

Josh

[whispering] Am I the only one who didn't know?

Penelope

You really overslept!

Josh

I'm aware!

Penelope

You should have woken up earlier, dude!

Josh

[sarcastically] Oh, thank you, Penelope.

Ray

How's Fawn doing?

Penelope

How do you think? Her mother was killed by a frickin' hunter! She's like Bambi.

Ray

Uh, well, Bambi was a child.

Josh

And he witnessed the murder.

Ray

That's serious trauma.

Josh

Yeah, and it clearly affected him as an adult.

Penelope

Well, yeah, Bambi was for sure damaged.

Ray

That said, what he did to those squirrels was inexcusable.

Josh

Of course.

Ray

I mean, fully molested those squirrels.

Penelope

He fully did.

Ray

But then I'm like those parents should have never let those little squirrel kids stay at his ranch.

Penelope

Ugh! Don't even get me started on those parents.

Oh! He's cute.

Fawn

All due respect, Cassie, you seem… fine.

Aw, thank you.

Fawn

But what the hell do you see in my dusty old dad?

Honestly, I love dating older stags.

Fawn

Really?

Ray

Why?

Penelope

Yeah, why?

'Cause younger males suck!

Ray

Hey!

They can't pay for dinner, and they're not even remotely dependable, or like, emotionally evolved. They're pathetic. [walks off]

Josh

Oh, God. Is that why Olivia left me?

Penelope

Of course not.

Fawn

Almost certainly. I mean, you guys do suck.

Ray

Excuse you!

Fawn

[referring to Josh] He's a whimpering mess, [then to Ray] and you have some major mommy issues.

Ray

What are you talking about? I have the best and prettiest mommy in the world!

Fawn

She tried to eat you.

Ray

That's what raccoons do!

Penelope

Eh, still.

Ray

Hey, my mother is a saint! She brought me into this world, and she has every right to take me out of it!

Penelope

Okay!

Fawn

[proposing a toast] To my father and Cassie, may they both get rabies.

Ray

Hey, I know you're hurting right now, Fawn, but that's not so funny. I've actually lost a lot of friends to rabies.

Penelope

Oh, no. I'm sorry.

Ray

Yeah. Rabies is our AIDS. Also, feline AIDS is our AIDS.

Ray

Oh, you gonna spray me?

You like that, you little freak?

Ray

Yeah, express your anal glands all over my goddamn pelt! [Samantha moans as she sprays on him] Oh, shit!

You dirty bitch.

Ray

I fucking stink!

Get in me, Ray! Get in me!

Ray

[after Josh accidentally bites off Carson's genitals] What did you do?!

Josh

I just… I just bit his dick, like you said!

Ray

I didn't say bite it off!

He bit it off?!

Josh

I thought there'd be more resistance! It was like biting into a yam.

Ray

Josh, you were just supposed to nip the sack.

[kneeling down next to Carson as he gushes out blood from his genital system; tearfully] We've gotta get him to the hospital!

Ray

So, uh, how's it going with the, uh, geezers?

Fawn

Ugh, terrible. How's Carson?

What do you think?! Josh bit off his penis! He's doing bad!

Josh

Ugh. Yep, I can see it.

Penelope

What?

Josh

Hibernation's gonna be here again. And I'll have to sleep all by myself, spooning a rock.

Ray

Buddy, Joshie, you know what you gotta do?

Josh

Meet a rock?

Ray

No! You gotta get back on the horse!

Josh

Mmm! You know, I've always wanted to date a horse.

Ray

No, dumb-dumb, I meant you gotta get back to dating, pronto.

Josh

But how would I even meet somebody? It seems impossible.

Penelope

Oh, yeah, it is.

Fawn

It's a nightmare.

Josh

Ugh.

Fawn

The dating sites, they're a shitshow filled with the detritus of society.

Ray

I thought it was "de-tritus."

Fun fact, it can actually be pronounced either way.

Ray

Not this fucking owl again. [shoves him aside]

Fawn

Yeah, you're not a part of the group.

[dances on the table] Sure I am!

Ray

Oh, my God, get lost!

Penelope

Yeah, we are not friends!

We will be! [flies away]

Fawn

Jesus!

Ray

This fucking guy!

You sold my underwear?

Ray

I very much did, yes, but you can take any pair you want from this box…

Ew!

Ray

I'll even throw in this rusty thermos.

Oh, my God! You have a whole box of used underpants?!

Ray

Oh, no. No, no, no. Macey, these are my treasured memories.

That you sold to some pervert?

Ray

Dave's not a pervert. He's a creep.

He poured soup into your underwear. Ew! Oh, my God!

Ray

Does that make you feel any better?

Ugh, no! I thought you were cute and fun.

Ray

I am cute and fun.

You're sad and disgusting, Ray! And on behalf of all the females in the forest, I am taking these! [angrily takes the box out of his hands and heads to the front door]

Ray

What? No! Not my treasured stink box!

Ugh! You do not get to sell any more panties, you repulsive trash panda!

Ray

Okay, that is a slur, and it's hurtful. But just to be clear, so… so we're not having sex again?

Yes.

Ray

Yes, we are?

No!

Ray

No, we are?

No, we're not having sex!

Ray

Why not?!

Because… YOU'RE CREEPY RAY! Ugh! [leaves, slamming the door closed]

Ray

Honestly, I would kill for a lull.

Penelope

Really?

Ray

Yeah, I've been seeing this bunny, McKayleigh.

Fawn

Ridiculous name.

Ray

And I really like her. But she's insatiable.

Fawn

Well, she is a bunny.

Ray

Okay, but by the fifth or sixth time, Lil' Raymond Valentine isn't, you know, at full salute. I can't keep up!

Penelope

But sex is like your whole thing.

Ray

Exactly. It's my whole identity! It's who I am! Without it, I'm just gorgeous in the face.

Josh

[showing up; dejectedly] Hey, guys.

Fawn

What's the matter with you?

Josh

Ugh, I haven't slept. My parents were up all night making rumble tumble.

Ray

Wow.

Penelope

Good for them!

Josh

No, not good for them! Bad for them! And bad for Joshie!

Ray

I can't believe your dad's still getting it up at his age. Go, Robert.

Fawn

He's probably taking horny goat weed.

Josh

You think?

Fawn

Yeah. A lot of older guys do. And I'm sure my dad does because he's been bragging about his "stamina."

Penelope

Ugh, the wrong parent died.

Fawn

Thank you. You know, Ray, maybe you should try some horny goat weed for your little problem.

Ray

[spitting out his drink] What?! Excuse you! I don't need pills. I'm young. I'm in my prime.

[magically appearing; menacingly] You will die!

Ray

What's that now?

I am Celeste the Psychic. Heed my warning, trash cat. You will die before this week is through. Unless…

Ray

Unless what?

Unless you pay me to read your cards.

Ray

Wow, McKayleigh, that was fulfilling.

[laughing] Wow. So fulfilling. So good.

Ray

Yeah, especially the big finale, right?

Ray

Yeah, ladies love that. Anyway, I think since we're both deeply satisfied, [turns off the light] we can now go to sleep, right?

Oh, I mean, I don't know. I could go again.

Ray

[unconvinced] You could go again! Even better than stopping!

Fawn

[to Josh and Ray] What the fuck are you guys doing here?

Ray

I'm in the pack!

Josh

I'm also here.

Fawn

Yes, I can see that, Josh, but why?

Josh

Because it's a full moon! [howls along with Ray, Dylan, and all the other wolves] And, when we went to the dump…

Ray

Which rocked ass!

Josh

I got the perfect gift for Olivia. [takes out a pair of nunchucks] Ta-fucking-da, bitch.

Fawn

Nunchucks?

Ray

Yeah. You can smack stuff with 'em. Show her, Josh.

Josh

[swings them around, breaking stuff, and accidentally hits himself in the snout] Ow! My snout!

Fawn

[takes them out of his hand] You think Olivia wants a karate weapon from the dump for her anniversary?

Ray

You know, when a lady says it, it really does sound like a crappy gift.

Josh

Oh, man! [runs out of the house] Somebody help me! What do girls like?!

Fawn

[to Dylan] I think it's insane that there's a full-blown party in my house right now. It's 4:00 in the morning!

Dylan

Babe, it's a sacred night, and they're our guests.

Fawn

They're your guests, who you invited without asking me.

Dylan

But…

Fawn

And they're trashing our house.

Dylan

It's a full--

Fawn

[swinging the nunchucks] No! If you say "full moon" again!

Full moon!

Fawn

[throws down the nunchucks, angrily having enough] That's it! EVERYONE OUT, RIGHT NOW! [opens the door, kicking Ray and all the other wolves out of the house]

Ray

Come on, sweetheart. Let's get out of here.

Dylan

[after Fawn slams the door closed] What the hell was that?

Fawn

I am not doing this right now. I'm going (back) to sleep.

Dylan

Babe…

Fawn

No! [points to the sofa] That's your bed tonight! Bad wolf!

Ray

You know what, Josh?

Josh

What?

Ray

[outraged] I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!

Hi ya, boys.

Ray

Va-va-voom!

Josh

Did you just "va-va-voom" your own mom?

Ray

Yeah!

Mom? Ew! Call me Gina.