Dylan McDerrmott quotes from Mating Season

Fawn

[to Dylan] I think it's insane that there's a full-blown party in my house right now. It's 4:00 in the morning!

Dylan

Babe, it's a sacred night, and they're our guests.

Fawn

They're your guests, who you invited without asking me.

Dylan

But…

Fawn

And they're trashing our house.

Dylan

It's a full--

Fawn

[swinging the nunchucks] No! If you say "full moon" again!

Full moon!

Fawn

[throws down the nunchucks, angrily having enough] That's it! EVERYONE OUT, RIGHT NOW! [opens the door, kicking Ray and all the other wolves out of the house]

Ray

Come on, sweetheart. Let's get out of here.

Dylan

[after Fawn slams the door closed] What the hell was that?

Fawn

I am not doing this right now. I'm going (back) to sleep.

Dylan

Babe…

Fawn

No! [points to the sofa] That's your bed tonight! Bad wolf!

Fawn

[sarcastically when she sees the living room still in a mess that Dylan didn't clean up after the full moon party] Good. You didn't clean up.

Dylan

[waking up; annoyed] Good morning to you too. Can we talk about you kicking my pack out last night, or do you need to stomp off again like a Clydesdale?

Fawn

Oh, we doing insults? You smell like fucking shit, buddy.

Dylan

Very mature.

Fawn

And you were the asshole last night.

Ray

Dylan, my man!

Penelope

Wait, that's Dylan? The "best lover you ever had because the connection wasn't just physical, it was spiritual" Dylan?

Fawn

Yep. And here he comes.

Ray

Guys, look! It's Dylan!

Dylan

Uh, hey, Fawn.

Fawn

Hey.

Ray

Dude, what the hell are you doing here?

Dylan

Oh, I'm actually, uh, here for my bachelor party.

Bachelor party! [howling]

Fawn

Whoa. [laughs nervously] You're getting married?

Dylan

Yeah, she's an antelope. Her name is Cynthia.

Fawn

An antelope, so, like, a more athletic deer.

Ray

Is she hot? Oh, I bet she's hot!

Fawn

Ray!

Dylan

Um, you guys should come to the wedding.

Fawn

What?

Dylan

Yeah! A bunch of her cousins ran into an electric fence, so we have an empty table.

Fawn

Oh, absolutely not.

Ray

Absolutely yes!

Dylan

Fawn, wait!

Fawn

Leave me alone, Dylan!

Dylan

Just listen. I am sorry you had to find out this way. But there is no good way to tell your ex you're getting married.

Fawn

I don't care that you're getting married.

Dylan

Then what is it?

Fawn

[sighs] It's that you're getting married and you told me you couldn't be tamed! But now, somehow, you got magically tamed for her.

Dylan

Well, I mean, I didn't mean to. It just sort of happened.

Fawn

[sarcastically] Okay. No, I got it now. So it's just that you didn't love me enough to change for me.

Dylan

Hey, I was devastated when we broke up! It has been a long journey for me.

Fawn

[angrily] Are you shitting my dick, buddy?

Fawn

You told me you love me! You told me you couldn't stop thinking about me!

Dylan

Well, I… I do love you.

Fawn

Oh, yeah?

Dylan

But I also love Cynthia.

Fawn

Oh, my God! Oh, my God, Cynthia! I just screwed over that sweet antelope for no reason.

Dylan

I'm not sure what to do here. Do you want a hug?

Fawn

Get the fuck out, Dylan!

Dearly beloved. We are gathered here today to witness the union of Cynthia Mulroney and Dylan McDermott.

Josh

Whoa.

Penelope

Some names.

The bride and groom have elected to write their own vows. [gives Dylan the microphone] Dylan, knock my socks off.

Dylan

[clears throat] Cynthia, when I close my eyes… I think of you.

Fawn

Huh?

Dylan

When I wake up in the morning, I think of you.

Fawn

You've gotta be kidding me.

Dylan

The way you laugh, the way you talk, the way you look at me before we kiss.

Fawn

[incredulously] This asshole's got one fucking move.

Oh, wow. My shoes are gonna stink, because my socks are all the way off. Cynthia.

[as Dylan passes the microphone to her; laughs softly] Dylan, meeting you has changed my life. I know that I may seem confident and self-assured, but inside, I… never really felt like I deserved love.

Fawn

Ouch.

It wasn't until I met you that I truly learned to like myself.

Fawn

Oh, Cynthia…

Because if you love me, then I guess I must be good.

Now, if anyone here knows of any reason why these two cuties shouldn't be married, please speak now or forever hold your peace… [echoes]

Fawn

[as Josh and Penelope's words float around in her head; then gives in] God damn it. [standing up] I do! I know a reason!

Ooh! Speak now.

Fawn?

Dylan

[softly] What are you doing?

Fawn

[sighs softly] Cynthia… I know how it feels to think you don't deserve love.

We can't hear you in the back, honey! Speak up!

Fawn

[loudly] I know what it's like to think you don't deserve love!

Whoa, we're not deaf!

Fawn

Ugh. [in normal tone] That you're only special if a guy makes you feel special. But you're amazing.

[awkwardly] Okay…

Fawn

And you don't have to hinge your self-worth on anyone else, much less Dylan, because… Dylan and I--

Dylan and I slept together last week!

What?! He fucked me three days ago!

Are you kidding me?

Um, excuse me. He also slept with me yesterday.

Meghan!

Ray

God, I picked the wrong beaver.

Full disclosure, I did suck him off before the precession, but only to help him relax.

Dylan

Well, it did help.

Fawn

This is a nightmare.

[pissed off] Dylan, what the fuck?! [throws her bouquet of flowers at him in the chest]

Dylan

Babe, I'm so sorry! I thought I could be tame, but I'm a wild animal! [rips off his uniform]

Ray

Thank you! Someone finally said it! We're all wild animals! Why are any of us getting married? Why are we staying at a hotel?! Why are we wearing clothes?!

Penelope

[as she and Josh try to calm him down] Not the time!

Josh

Uh-uh.

Hey, Uncle Doug, you still got that medieval sword?

[wields out his medieval sword from his scabbard] FOR NARNIA!