Ray, have you seen Olivia?
Right! Yeah, Olivia. [laughs nervously]
You know you overslept by, like, two weeks, right?
Yeah, and Olivia… she gone.
She gone? She gone where?
She's with this new bear, this big motherfucker named Carson.
What?! How could she leave me? It's mating season!
Yeah, I know. Everyone's coupling up big time.
[Zoom out, showing all the forest animals coupling with each other while copulating]
RRabbit
I'm gonna put 10 to 15 babies in you!
SSquirrel
Now, I'm not sure how we're gonna make this work physically, but goddamn it, Keith, I love you.
KKeith
Well, maybe love is enough.
Oh, God! I'm all alone! [starts to sob]
[While all the forest animals are attending the funeral of Fawn's mother, Sheila…]
[to Josh; quietly] By the way, I'm so sorry about Olivia.
[whispering] Am I the only one who didn't know?
You should have woken up earlier, dude!
[sarcastically] Oh, thank you, Penelope.
How do you think? Her mother was killed by a frickin' hunter! She's like Bambi.
Uh, well, Bambi was a child.
And he witnessed the murder.
Yeah, and it clearly affected him as an adult.
Well, yeah, Bambi was for sure damaged.
That said, what he did to those squirrels was inexcusable.
I mean, fully molested those squirrels.
But then I'm like those parents should have never let those little squirrel kids stay at his ranch.
Ugh! Don't even get me started on those parents.
All due respect, Cassie, you seem… fine.
But what the hell do you see in my dusty old dad?
CCassie
Honestly, I love dating older stags.
CCassie
'Cause younger males suck!
CCassie
They can't pay for dinner, and they're not even remotely dependable, or like, emotionally evolved. They're pathetic. [walks off]
Oh, God. Is that why Olivia left me?
Almost certainly. I mean, you guys do suck.
[referring to Josh] He's a whimpering mess, [then to Ray] and you have some major mommy issues.
What are you talking about? I have the best and prettiest mommy in the world!
Hey, my mother is a saint! She brought me into this world, and she has every right to take me out of it!
[Later that night… at The Watering Hole bar]
[proposing a toast] To my father and Cassie, may they both get rabies.
Hey, I know you're hurting right now, Fawn, but that's not so funny. I've actually lost a lot of friends to rabies.
Yeah. Rabies is our AIDS. Also, feline AIDS is our AIDS.
SSamantha
You like that, you little freak?
Yeah, express your anal glands all over my goddamn pelt! [Samantha moans as she sprays on him] Oh, shit!
SSamantha
You dirty bitch.
SSamantha
Get in me, Ray! Get in me!
CCharles
My dear friend. I know this must be alarming.
AAlan
No shit! You're bucking my daughter!
Well, you're bucking Cassie! She's somebody's daughter too!
CCassie
I'm also a yoga teacher.
CCharles
Well, let's just all just calm down. Fawn is an adult. She can make her own decisions.
AAlan
Oh, can she? You're twice her age!
Oh, my God, you're such a hypocrite!
AAlan
Well, you, young lady, are a… a slut!
CCharles
Hey. Don't talk to her that way.
AAlan
She's my daughter, Charles. And I'll talk to her however I want! [starts pawing his hooves on the ground]
CCharles
Oh, is that how it is? [doing the same thing]
AAlan
Yeah, that's how it is!
CCharles
Well, guess what? I can paw at the ground too, motherbucker!
AAlan
Can you? Can you paw at the ground? I can see that!
CCharles
Looks like we're both pawing.
CCharles
That seems to be the situation.
Guys, please don't charge each other!
[after Josh accidentally bites off Carson's genitals] What did you do?!
I just… I just bit his dick, like you said!
I didn't say bite it off!
SSamantha
He bit it off?!
I thought there'd be more resistance! It was like biting into a yam.
Josh, you were just supposed to nip the sack.
OOlivia
[kneeling down next to Carson as he gushes out blood from his genital system; tearfully] We've gotta get him to the hospital!
So, uh, how's it going with the, uh, geezers?
Ugh, terrible. How's Carson?
OOlivia
What do you think?! Josh bit off his penis! He's doing bad!
Hibernation's gonna be here again. And I'll have to sleep all by myself, spooning a rock.
Buddy, Joshie, you know what you gotta do?
No! You gotta get back on the horse!
Mmm! You know, I've always wanted to date a horse.
No, dumb-dumb, I meant you gotta get back to dating, pronto.
But how would I even meet somebody? It seems impossible.
The dating sites, they're a shitshow filled with the detritus of society.
I thought it was "de-tritus."
GGeoffrey
Fun fact, it can actually be pronounced either way.
Not this fucking owl again. [shoves him aside]
Yeah, you're not a part of the group.
GGeoffrey
[dances on the table] Sure I am!
Yeah, we are not friends!
GGeoffrey
We will be! [flies away]
Penelope, what's going on?
You don't like pussy or mushrooms!
I do, if they're cooked in a Marsala.
You know, you don't fucking know anything, okay? You know what this is?!
Hen of the Woods! You know what this is?! Red reishi!
You're not giving me time to answer!
You know what this is?! A rock! Trick question!
I'll tell you what! You're stealing my thing! You don't belong here!
[The other lesbians gasp in shock]
AAlex
Hold on. Your breaking rule #1. You're coming down with bad vibes.
LHLesbian Honey Badger
Seriously, Penelope.
AAlex
Your ass needs to leave.
You know what? Fine, "lesbians." But I'm taking my Hen of the Woods, and I'm taking this rock! And guess what, I'm taking Nancy's guitar!
NNancy
[hugging her guitar, tightly] No! I couldn't have children! This guitar is all I have! [starts sobbing]
AAlex
You made Nancy talk?
[angrily] You… Ugh. You can all eat my juicy asshole! Except for you, Fawn! No butt for you! [storms off]
MMaizy
You sold my underwear?
I very much did, yes, but you can take any pair you want from this box…
I'll even throw in this rusty thermos.
MMaizy
Oh, my God! You have a whole box of used underpants?!
Oh, no. No, no, no. Macey, these are my treasured memories.
MMaizy
That you sold to some pervert?
Dave's not a pervert. He's a creep.
MMaizy
He poured soup into your underwear. Ew! Oh, my God!
Does that make you feel any better?
MMaizy
Ugh, no! I thought you were cute and fun.
MMaizy
You're sad and disgusting, Ray! And on behalf of all the females in the forest, I am taking these! [angrily takes the box out of his hands and heads to the front door]
What? No! Not my treasured stink box!
MMaizy
Ugh! You do not get to sell any more panties, you repulsive trash panda!
Okay, that is a slur, and it's hurtful. But just to be clear, so… so we're not having sex again?
MMaizy
No, we're not having sex!
MMaizy
Because… YOU'RE CREEPY RAY! Ugh! [leaves, slamming the door closed]
Honestly, I would kill for a lull.
Yeah, I've been seeing this bunny, McKayleigh.
And I really like her. But she's insatiable.
Okay, but by the fifth or sixth time, Lil' Raymond Valentine isn't, you know, at full salute. I can't keep up!
But sex is like your whole thing.
Exactly. It's my whole identity! It's who I am! Without it, I'm just gorgeous in the face.
[showing up; dejectedly] Hey, guys.
What's the matter with you?
Ugh, I haven't slept. My parents were up all night making rumble tumble.
No, not good for them! Bad for them! And bad for Joshie!
I can't believe your dad's still getting it up at his age. Go, Robert.
He's probably taking horny goat weed.
Yeah. A lot of older guys do. And I'm sure my dad does because he's been bragging about his "stamina."
Ugh, the wrong parent died.
Thank you. You know, Ray, maybe you should try some horny goat weed for your little problem.
[spitting out his drink] What?! Excuse you! I don't need pills. I'm young. I'm in my prime.
CCeleste
[magically appearing; menacingly] You will die!
CCeleste
I am Celeste the Psychic. Heed my warning, trash cat. You will die before this week is through. Unless…
CCeleste
Unless you pay me to read your cards.
Wow, McKayleigh, that was fulfilling.
MMcKayleigh
[laughing] Wow. So fulfilling. So good.
Yeah, especially the big finale, right?
McKayleigh I loved when you put your face in the pillow, and just said… [impersonating him in an angry manner] "Come on, Ray, focus!"
Yeah, ladies love that. Anyway, I think since we're both deeply satisfied, [turns off the light] we can now go to sleep, right?
MMcKayleigh
Oh, I mean, I don't know. I could go again.
[unconvinced] You could go again! Even better than stopping!
CCeleste
I need you to focus on what your heart desires most.
Uh, I feel like I should want to reverse climate change?
CCeleste
Boo, boring. Also, too late.
Oh, bummer. Okay, well... [sighs] Maybe my heart desires love?
CCeleste
A little cliché, but we'll go with "love."
