Father Mulcahy quotes from M*A*S*H

Margaret

How would you like to be married to a skunk, Father?

Mulcahy

My religion forbids it.

Margaret

Why was he in my shower?

Hawkeye

Isn't it obvious?

Mulcahy

Not to me.

Mulcahy

I had to give a girl the brush-off!

Hawkeye

(stunned): Would you mind repeating that? I think the sun was in my ears.

Hawkeye

Come again?

Mulcahy

She was hugging the stuffing out of me!

Not really but it's the only way I can talk to you.

Hawkeye

What's this about Colonel?

Glad you asked. I'm a very busy man so I'll make this short and sweet. Lieutenant Harris dropped by this morning, had a little surprise for me. A request for an immediate transfer.

Naturally I thought she wanted out because she couldn't take a bath but that wasn't the reason. So I said "What is the reason?" And she said "I made a big fool of myself and the whole camp knows it." So I said "Well I don't know it." And she said "I'm surprised Pierce didn't tell you."

So I said "Why are you dropping this in my lap when you should be talking to your head nurse?" And she said "The head nurse hates me."

Margaret

I do not hate her.

So I said "Back up a bit. What is it you did that got everybodie's tongue wagging except mine?" And she said "I had an unhappy love affair." So I asked "Was it one of my doctors?" And she said "No. It was your priest."

That's what she said. She was so upset she's giving up on Med School. I didn't even know she was going to Med School.

Mulcahy

She musn't give up.

Now look folks this is none of my affair so why don't we keep it that way. The woman's got only a few weeks left in this man's army. A transfer would be a waste of good red tape so here's what your gonna do. (Points to Hawkeye) You stop talking about her. (Points to Margaret) You stop hating her. (Points to Mulcahy) And you stop dating her.

Mulcahy

You know, you'd make a fine priest.

Hawkeye

Ah, thanks Father, I don't think it would work out. Besides, the only Latin I know is Xavier Cugat.

Hey, Father, can I make a confession?

Mulcahy

Certainly, Sergeant.

I murdered somebody...tomorrow.

Klinger

C'mon, I'm trying to help!

You wanna help? Die on your own.

Mulcahy

Sir, I must protest the rash of mindless pranks being perpetrated around here!

Well, good morning Padre, or should I say, Padress.

Mulcahy

Colonel, there's no humor in this. While I was showering, someone stole my robe and left me this.... this.... housefrock!

Klinger

Better not take it off, Father. You'll be a defrocked priest!

Mulcahy

Klinger, how would you like the last rites? And a few lefts?

Mulcahy

Look at this place, it's a den of iniquity.

Charles

Ah, don't think of it as a den, Father, think of it more as a rec room.

Hawkeye

(Drinking coffee): I'm sorry Father. I don't really feel much like talking. I just had to tell a patient he has leukemia.

Mulcahy

Good heavens. That must have been very difficult for you.

Hawkeye

I didn't want to tell him but he wouldn't let me off the hook. I'm a doctor, a guy looks to me for answers and the only thing I can say is that you have this incurable disease and there is nothing I can do about it. Can't blame this on the war. Can't blame it on anything.

Mulcahy

Especially yourself.

Mulcahy

What time is it in Iowa?

Charles

1882.

Margaret

Help yourself to some breakfast before us lowlifes steal it all.

Mulcahy

Hell hath no fury like pernicious vermin scorned.

Charles, you just put a whole shoe store in your mouth.

Winchester, just a hunch: Will Rogers never met you, did he?

I just wonder if I'm getting what this painting is really all about: the camaraderie, the affection we have for each other. Oh, I'm getting the bodies all right, but I wonder if I'm getting the souls. Maybe I bit off more than I can chew.

Klinger

Uh, I have to go sir. (he leaves)

Of course son. You know, you people have been closer than kinfolk to me, you make it almost bearable being over here.

Margaret

Excuse me sir please. (she leaves)

Surely. In a way, this painting is a way of sharing my Korean family with my family back home.

Mulcahy

Of course. Of course. (he leaves leaving Potter at a table by himself)

It ain't easy telling people how close you are to 'em when they aren't here.

One sure test of good oatmeal is that you can't fill your fountain pen with it.

Mulcahy

What the oatmeal lacks in solidity, the coffee more than makes up for.

Hawkeye

When you haven't had much sleep, there's nothing like a good cup of coffee that you can really sink your teeth into.

Charles

I'm afraid there is the possibility--slim though it be--that I...snore.

Mulcahy

Snore. Oh. Good heavens, Major. What...courage it took to admit that.

Charles

Well, Father, I'm afraid you don't understand. See, all my life I've harbored a secret dread that I may not be worthy of my name, that I may not good enough to be a Winchester. What if all this malarkey is true, that I do...snore like a common factory worker. What if that's just the tip of the iceberg? What if there are even more vulgar traits lurking just underneath the surface? Today...snoring. Tomorrow, sitting in front of a TV with a cold brew watching roller derby. What if--perish the thought--I am actually the same as everybody else? I couldn't live with that.