Father Mulcahy quotes from M*A*S*H

Father Mulcahy

Anyone heard they've spotted snipers near the camp?

Klinger

Pay no attention, Father. Just rumors.

Radar

Just a rumor.

Mulcahy

Huh. [Two gunshots hit the shower room they are in. Mulcahy hurries into the same stall that Radar is in] That "rumor" almost came through the door!

Mulcahy

(talking about a patient): Is he going to be all right?

Hawkeye

Well, we could be bombed, there could be an avalanche, or Frank could operate on him again.

Frank

Twerp.

You tell him, Ferret Face.

Gee Dad, talkies.

Mulcahy

Who's Walter?

Radar

Oh, that's my given name.

Hawkeye

Give it back.

(to a tearful Hawkeye) You too?

Hawkeye

(tearfully) I lost the baby pool.

Mulcahy

Well, bless my soul. I won.

A little inside information, Father?

Mulcahy

No, I just happen to know a bit more about conception!

You people...

Radar

[running off] I'll get...

Get the phone, Radar. You people have been panicking over a rumor which says that the 4077th is bugging out. That is grade-A 100% bull cookies! You service people should know by now that scuttlebutt is as common as cooties in your skivvies! My apologies to those among us of the feminine gland and to our resident celibate, Father Mulcahy.

Mulcahy

Thank you, sir.

My pleasure, Now you take World War II. My unit got the word that Nazis, dressed as Eskimos, had overrun Seattle. Incredible as it seems, half my unit believed it and began hoarding canned salmon. Now then, I have spoken personally to General Hamilton at Headquarters. I've known Bink Hamilton for going on thirty years. I am the godfather of his grandson, Sherman Potter Hamilton! Fifteen years old and can name 24 of the 48 states. Already has an appointment to West Point. The general has assured me there is nothing to worry about. M*A*S*H 4077 is definitely [Radar returns and hands the message to Potter, who reads...] bugging out in three hours! [Pause] BUG OUT!

Frank

(Barging into the OR) Why wasn't I called?!

(Barking at Frank) Mask!

Frank

(angered) Well, I should be doing this surgery! I know Major Houlihan's appendix better than any of you guys!

Burns, she asked for Pierce.

Frank

I don't believe it!

Mulcahy

(quietly to Potter) Great deal of conflict here.

(quietly to Mulcahy) You said it, brother... uh, Father. (aloud, to Frank) Burns, she doesn't want you here!

Frank

I'm not leaving until I hear it from her own lips!

Margaret

Listen to these lips, Frank. Get out!

Frank

She's delirious.

Margaret

(almost screaming) OUT!

Frank

(angrily to Margaret) I hope you have a great big scar!

Hawkeye

War isn't hell. War is war, and hell is hell. And of the two, war is a lot worse.

Father Mulcahy

How do you figure, Hawkeye?

Hawkeye

Easy, Father. Tell me, who goes to hell?

Father Mulcahy

Sinners, I believe.

Hawkeye

Exactly. There are no innocent bystanders in hell. War is chock full of them - little kids, cripples, old ladies. In fact, except for some of the brass, almost everybody involved is an innocent bystander.

Sidney

When Pierce and Hunnicutt lose one, he's out of his misery. When I lose one, I've lost a mind.

Mulcahy

When I lose one, I've lost a soul.

Whose bright idea was this, anyhow?

Hawkeye

Ask the five-card stud.

Klinger

Look at him! He doesn't sweat. I ain't seen someone who doesn't sweat before.

Sure you have, in the Reptile House.

Mulcahy

I think I'm gonna fold, while I still have a little left for the orphans.

Charles

Oh, Father, give them my, (starts to hand Mulcahy a blue poker chip, but switches to a red) give them my best.

Mulcahy

(pauses) Well, good night everyone.

Hawkeye

Good night, Mr. Chip.

Charles

Must you always spout Scripture, Father?

Father Mulcahy

I'm afraid it's an occupational hazard.

I'm looking for a Colonel Sherman Potter.

Father Mulcahy

He's over there: the one drinking with two hands.

Mulcahy

We've got a villager whose house collapsed around him and a young boy who chased his frightened livestock into a minefield.

Margaret

Dear God.

Mulcahy

He's been alerted.

You don't think this is the proverbial 'hell freezing over' do you, Father?

Mulcahy

Oh, no, no. I'm sure I'd have been informed if anything that big were on the agenda.

Mulcahy

Just as the Lord said to Noah, "Everything in pairs."

Hawkeye

Of course the Lord was holding three aces at the time.

Mulcahy

I might be able to arrange a drop.

It's gonna take a lot more than a drop, Padre.

Mulcahy

I mean, with the black market.

Not advisable. Those boys play rough.

Margaret

And besides, who'd be low enough to have dealings with those tarantulas?

Mulcahy

As a matter of fact...me.