Colonel Potter quotes from M*A*S*H

Every month there's a new procedure we have to learn because somebody's come up with an even better way to mutilate the human body! Tell me this, Captain: how the hell am I supposed to keep up with it?!

I'm only...

If they can invent better ways to kill each other, why can't they invent a way to end this stupid war?!!

Watch the racket, Hunnicutt. This hospital is in a hospital zone.

Hawkeye Pierce is alive and well and living at battalion aid.

How do you know that?

He left his fingerprints are all over this guy.

Klinger

What are you talking about?

Who else but Hawkeye sews vertical mattress stitches with white cotton sutures?

I just wonder if I'm getting what this painting is really all about: the camaraderie, the affection we have for each other. Oh, I'm getting the bodies all right, but I wonder if I'm getting the souls. Maybe I bit off more than I can chew.

Klinger

Uh, I have to go sir. (he leaves)

Of course son. You know, you people have been closer than kinfolk to me, you make it almost bearable being over here.

Margaret

Excuse me sir please. (she leaves)

Surely. In a way, this painting is a way of sharing my Korean family with my family back home.

Mulcahy

Of course. Of course. (he leaves leaving Potter at a table by himself)

It ain't easy telling people how close you are to 'em when they aren't here.

Hawkeye

All right. Look, just for the sake of your sanity, I'll tell you this much. Mildred wants to surprise you.

Surprise me?

Hawkeye

Yeah.

It ain't my birthday. That was last month. It ain't our anniversary. That's Groundhog Day. I picked it so I'd never forget it.

Relax, you're gonna love it.

That's the same thing she said when she put the leopard skin seat covers on the Hudson. Never felt safe getting in that car without a whip and a chair.

My boots. All he wanted was my lousy boots. His feet were freezing. I'd have done the same thing. He was just a guy like me, and I shot him and I killed him, for a pair of boots.

You know, sometimes I think there should be a rule of war saying you have to see someone up close and get to know him before it's OK to shoot him.

How can I wear these again? How can I ever put on a pair of shoes without thinking of that guy?

Winchester

All I have to do is invert a helmet on the table with a sign saying "Charity. Please contribute."

You would have about as much luck as putting a sign next to the oven saying "Hot stove. Please stand on it."

Well, boys [B. J. and Hawkeye], it would be hard to call what we've been through fun, but I'm sure glad we went through it together. You boys always managed to give me a good laugh right when I needed it most. I'll never forget the time you dropped Winchester's drawers in the O.R. Of course I had to pretend I was mad at you, but inside I was laughing to beat all hell.

Hawkeye

Yeah, we're laughing just thinking about it.

We'll all have a good laugh like this.

Well, I'd better get out of here (he climbs aboard Sophie)

Hawkeye

Colonel, before you go...

We've been thinking about it. There's something we'd like to give you.

Hawkeye

It's not much, but it comes from the heart. (Standing at attention, Hawkeye and B.J. salute Potter, who returns the salute before riding off)