A fat woman clip-clopped into the shoe store today and said, “I need something I'd be comfortable in”. I said, “Try Wyoming”.
S8 E11Change For A Buck
A fat woman sloshed into the shoe store today. Said she was retaining water. I said not to worry about it. The dam of cellulite holding it back should keep us all high and dry for the next few years.
S8 E12A Little Off The Top
DDoctor
This was one of those unfortunate accidents due to simple human error. It seems our surgical team misread your doctor's instructions; it said to give him a circular incision.
Yeah, so how could you misread that?
DDoctor
We gave him a circumcision.
Hey, Stubby, we heard about what happened, so we got you a card.
I talked her out of the "Ask me about me circumcision" bumper sticker.
[reading from the card]
We heard about your little loss.
We know you'll make it through,
Because thankfully the part they took
Was of no use to you.
And though they took more than you'd like,
The good luck is, you see,
Another quarter inch would have been
A full lobotomy.
[Al takes off trench coat to reveal a floral print muumuu] What?
How much did they cut off, Daddy?
Well Mr. Grumpy's home.
(in a trench coat) Just one word of warning: Anyone who says what's up, goes down. It wasn't funny when the doctor asked it. It wasn't funny when the nurse asked it and it certainly wasn't funny when your mother asked it.
Then again, I've been asking for years.
[Bud appears from the basement.]
Is that you son?
Yeah dad. What's up?
(decks Bud) Any other questions?
Relax Al. You are not the only man to go through this. I was circumcised too.
Really? How did you deal with the pain?
Hard to remember. I was one day old when they did it to me.
Al needs to avoid erections for thirty days. He is watching TV, channel surfing
A1Announcer #1
Coming up next, modeling next year's line of thong bikinis!
Al{talking to himself}: Oh man! Try something else!
A2Announcer #2
We now take you to Cirque de Soleil, known for elaborate stunts, and of course those limber French contortionists in tiny leotards!
AUGH! Why did they to do that now?! OK, third time should be something dry.
A3Announcer #3
National Geographic presents...
Perfect!
A3Announcer #3
...a documentary on Brazil, a country famous for its rain forests, cultural diversity, carnivals, and of course, invented the thong bikini!
Al shuts off TV in disgust
S8 E13The Worst Noel
Al, guess what I got?
You got a Christmas present for me?
Uh, no, but I could go back out again. Do you got any money?
Well, I was saving up for a bullet.
Oh, my God. The power's off, there's no tv. What are we going to do ,Peg?
Well, we could cuddle.
Be serious, Peg.
TATV Announcer
For those of you who missed the first 53 airings, NBC is proud to present Cheers, the final episode.
What does Cheers have to do with Christmas?
What does NBC have to do with television?
[as Al changes channels on the TV] Now, there you go, you're going too fast. Come on, Al...what was that? What was that? What was that?
A Bewitched with Dick York, not Dick Sargent as Darrin; a Gilligan where the gorilla came to the island; a Full House family Christmas story where they were snowed in at the airport; and a study of the mating habits of the Amazonian catfish with Philippe, not Jacques, Cousteau.
You can see all that, and yet, you can't see the rim around the toilet?
I see what I wanna see, Peg.
S8 E14Sofa So Good
Bud, Mom and Dad are coming home tommorrow. Is there any way I talk you into taking full balme for this?
Sure. You can find me a woman who wont say no.
So there's no way then.
Well this is just as much your fault. If you had of doubted me like you always do this never would have happened.
Nice try Pyronymph!
I didn't have anything to do with this, I was out with a girl.
And do you really think thier going to believe that?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Married... with Children pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.