Communities seek out a common enemy. If it wasn't us, they'd all team up against someone else. Probably a minority.
S5Block Party
The whole neighborhood hates us so much that they throw a giant celebration just because we're gone.
Malcolm, that's not news. I'm just surprised they're so organized.
S5Dirty Magazine
[explaining the school magazine's editorial policy] Nothing gets rejected. It doesn't matter how self-involved or boring or childish or stupid or painful it is. If it can be stapled, it's in.
The principal of your school called. He said you filed a lawsuit so you could destroy the school.
That's a total lie. All I want to do is publish a magazine full of dirty words.
S5Hot Tub
Who has the mustard?
I don't know. Maybe Reese stole it like he steals everything.
Well maybe the mustard likes me better. Maybe the mustard and I have more fun.
S5Ida's Boyfriend
Lois, You're moving to China?
I know. Chickens in the street, children in the sweatshops, everyone smokes. It's a dream come true.
If he still has his teeth and is good in bed, why wait? [Malcolm is disgusted.] Oh, I forgot, this one doesn't like girls.
Grandma, I'm not gay.
MMan
That's right, I'm just a liar.
S5Softball
You know what your problem is? You know why you can't accept my apology? Because you can't stand to be happy.
What?!
You have an addiction to trouble. You need to have chaos in your life. You always have. I mean, look at you: you have a great job, a nice home, a wife, and you can't stand it. You have to come back here and pick a fight with your mother.
That's not true! I came back here because you've destroyed any chance any of us ever had for happiness. [to Malcolm as he walks in with spots of zit cream on his face] Tell her what a horrible mother she is! Tell her, Malcolm.
He's right! You insinuate yourself into every part of our lives just to make sure there's no place we're not miserable. Well, you're gonna turn me into a drooling infant like you did Francis.
Yeah...! What?!
I'm quitting the softball team!
You are doing no such thing, Malcolm. You had a chance to quit, but now we have a game. You made a commitment to a team, and other people are counting on you.
You can't force me to play.
No, but I can confiscate your paychecks.
You are pure evil!
How do you sleep at night? [holds up his old tricycle then leaves with Malcolm]
There is a certain pleasure secretly controlling someone dumber than you.
S5Lois's Sister
You don't understand the power of my brain, Malcolm. It's like a deep ravine that sits in total darkness. But once in a while, just for a moment, a brilliant shaft of light shines directly down into it. And that's the moment I will think of a genius plan that will get us into that Mustang.
This is torture. The car's just sitting there and no one can drive it.
Yeah, it's like that hot nun who comes around every year for the toy drive.
S5Malcolm Dates a Family
[a baseball crashes through the window, Reese and Dewey come running in with baseball mitts.]
Oh, no! Mom and Dad are going to kill us!
I know what to do.
[A short time later, the baseball has been replaced by a rock with a note taped to it.]
[reading note] "Get out of our neighborhood. We hate your guts." It's either the Lustigs, the Andersons, the Coopers, or the Browns.
It's the Hacketts! Like this is going to bring their cat back to life?
Let's see how they like a taste of their own medicine.
I'll get the car.
[Reese and Dewey share a guilty look.]
If you believe it, then why'd you buy the Mexican food?
Fine, Mexican food goes in the trash!
You're worried about your family? That's not going to bother me.
AAngela
Oh, yeah? My family is unbelievably intrusive, overbearing, controlling and humiliating.
You're talking to the right guy.
S5Reese's Apartment
[Hal is speaking in angry gibberish]
[looks at Hal] Was that "scramble" or "strangle"?
What are you guys talking about?
You know what we're talking about! Last week, you...
[The scene changes]
I can name Third World countries where stuff like that happens all the time!
What am I going to do with you, Reese?! I don't want to say this is a new low, because every time I do, you take it as a personal challenge!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Malcolm in the Middle pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.