TV show quotes
(sees that the new refrigerator has been destroyed) WHAT HAPPENED HERE?!!!
We can't be sure.
(hysterical) Grandpa gave me a grenade, and it was going to blow, and I didn't mean to drop it! But Malcolm threw it in the fridge!
You gave my son a grenade? You brought live ammunition into this house?! WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU PEOPLE?! ARE YOU COMPLETELY INSANE?!!
Because of what just happened, you want us to loan you $3,000?
Please. I know you're uncomfortable loaning to family, so let me be clear. With one phone call, I could have your asses thrown in jail for child endangerment. So, this money I'm asking for, it's not a loan. It's blackmail.
He's like your cousin Vaslefdt all over again.
First off, I'm not here to try to sort out the complicated relationship you have with the woman I love. It's not my place. And I know it would be folly to try to put a price on the deep psychological trauma that you've caused Lois through the years. But let me take a stab at it anyway... $3,000 sound okay to you?
What?!
Well, that would pretty much cover the fridge, the collateral damage, pay off a few credit cards, and finally get the transmission fixed in my car.
Because of what just happened, you want us to loan you $3,000?
Please. I know you're uncomfortable lending to family, so let's be clear. With one phone call, I could have your asses thrown in jail for child endangerment. So, this money I'm asking for, it's not a loan. It's blackmail.
He's like your brother Vaslefdt all over again.
Well, knock yourself out. My record is clean.
[Scene changes to the police officer arresting Lois.]
There is no way I have 16 unpaid parking tickets! The computer's wrong! You are not getting away with this!
I am not taking traffic school.
Honey, if you don't take traffic school, you'll get a point in your license.
I'm not getting a point in my license because I'm taking this to court. I did nothing wrong and I got three eyewitnesses to prove it. They saw exactly what happened.
[The camera comes up to Reese and flashbacks]
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...
[as Lois is saying "blah," Reese is taking gum off his shoe. The camera comes up to Malcolm and flashbacks]
Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack...
[As Lois continues quacking, Malcolm is drawing a pirate on his arm. The camera comes up to Dewey and flashbacks]
Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey...
[As Lois is saying his name, Dewey is driving the wheel as Lois is in the passenger's seat.]
You're right, mom!
I don't understand it. How can we get 16 unpaid parking tickets and not even know about it?
[The scene switches to Francis on the phone at Marlin Academy.]
Mom, just calm down.
I was in jail, Francis. Jail, all because you didn't pay your parking tickets. How could you gotten 16 parking tickets?
It's not my fault, you keep me stuck here. When I come home, I have so much living to do, I don't have time to look for legal parking.
You listen mister. Your irresponsible behavior has finally caught up to you and you are going to suffer the consequences. You are paying those parking tickets.
[After Lois tells Francis that he owes the family $747.13 for the unpaid parking tickets.]
This is totally unfair! None of this would've happened if you weren't such a reckless driver!
Excuse me??!!
When I park too close to a mailbox, I didn't endanger anyone's life.
I didn't endanger anyone. I was pulled over by a corrupt cop for a traffic violation that I didn't commit!
[sarcastically] Oh, but when I say I've been framed by the cops, you send me to military school! Ironic, isn;t it?!
That cop was out to get me!
Of course he was. Everyone's out to get you. And the neighbor's cat's the ringleader. Didn't you know that?
Ha-ha, you can laugh all you want, Francis. But until you come up with the money, you are not coming home.
Where am I supposed to get $700?! You're just using this to keep me here.
Yeah, that's right. It was the cat's idea.
Anything you break comes out of your allowance!
We don't get an allowance!
Well, now you know why!
Francis, I am not gonna let you weasel out of your responsibility. Because of you, we are done to one car until your father gets his next paycheck. Now you either come up with the money, or you don't come home.
Mom, its impossible. I'm in school. When I'm not in school, I have homework. When I'm not doing homework, I'm in detention. If I'm lucky, I have six hours free a week. At minimum wage, I wouldn't be able to make it home until Thanksgiving 2010.
You bring the yams. [hangs up]
Malcolm (sees the tape): Oh, my God! I can't believe it. Mom's... wrong.
Remember when I took that comedy traffic school? God, that was hilarious. A rabbi, a priest, and a minister come to a four-way stop...
Someone's got to gi...
Not it!
Well, then, someone can mail it to her any...
Not it!
Well, someone's got to be the person to...
Not it!
... not give it to her!
I'm it!
HAHA! ... Oh
The tape is wrong. (gets up and leaves)
Dad?
You heard your mother. The tape... is... OH! (gets up towards Lois)
(Dewey walks up to the police car)
Dewey, it's going to okay. Mommy is...
Can you turn on the siren?
Sure. (turns it on)
Yeah! [imitates siren]
Lois (to the boys after they got pulled over): No one make piggy noises, no one say they smell bacon, and no one claim that they're kidnapped.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Malcolm in the Middle pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
