Hal [to Craig about the security tape]: You will never mention a word of this to Lois.
But...
Uh Uh. Not one single word.
Dewey (comes up close): Got it?
S2 E16"Traffic Ticket"
Hal [to Lois]: I got to admit, it was sexy. Me having to bail you out of jail. (Lois looks at Hal) Well, it was sexy for me.
Oh, yeah, Hal. That was a real turn on.
Make a run for it, mom. We can be on the News.
[as Lois is pulled over by a cop] Make a run for it, mom. We can be on the news.
[ignores Reese and pulls over] All right, no one makes piggy sounds! No one claims they smell bacon! And no one claims they've been kidnapped!
S2 E17"Surgery"
[To audience] Nothing like two days in the hospital to make you appreciate your own home.
[Reese takes tub of popcorn from Malcolm.]
Gimme that!
Oh my God! Look at Malcolm's hospital bill! I can't imagine how much it would've cost if he'd actually gotten the surgery.
Well, there goes our summer vacation.
So we have to pay, even though he was faking?
I wasn't faking! I was the one who found out they were wrong.
Well, if you're so smart, why didn't you figure it out sooner?
[Everyone stares at Malcolm]
Well, son, would you like to field that one for us?
[To audience] Nothing like ten seconds at home to make you appreciate the hospital!
Mom, my stomach hurts.
So does mine!
I'm not kidding, it's really sore.
Owwwww... it hurts.
Shut up, Reese.
I see spots! Mommy!
Alright! That's enough! I don't care what assignment you didn't do or what test you didn't study, you're still going to school.
You know, now you mentioned it...
Everybody's going!
Dewey, don't be frightened, but there's a spider next to you.
Yeah, Dad. There's always a spider on Bacon Day.
Why do I have to stay in the kids' ward?
I'm sorry, honey, but you're six months too young to have an adult room.
I hear if you're really good, they'll put apple juice in your sippy cup.
Reese, give your brother a hug.
Aw, mom?
Do it!
(gives Malcolm a hug) If you tell anyone I hugged you, I'm putting you back in here.
Dewey, you're wearing my shirt.
Am I?
CFCadet Finley
I can't take this anymore. If I don't eat, I'm gonna pass out!
CDCadet Drew
Yeah.
CFCadet Finley
Who are you?
CDCadet Drew
I'm your roomate.
The strike has been settled! (the cadets cheer) We got his magic hat!
What about the TV?
Huh?
Dewey [while playing a board game]: Hey, we look like the family on the box. (the family agrees) Can I be the little girl?
Not on my watch, son.
S2 E18"Reese Cooks"
Hal [to Malcolm]: Whatcha' doing there, son?
I have to prove Kepler's Third Law of Motion.
What's Dewey doing?
Coloring.
I better get in there.
Reese, do you know what empathy is?
No.
Well, empathy is putting yourself in other people's shoes so you can feel what they do. If you hurt someone, empathy makes you hurt as well.
Then why would you want empathy?
[turns away to Lois, stunned] He has no more sense of right and wrong than a tree-frog!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Malcolm in the Middle pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.