Bertie Wooster quotes from Jeeves and Wooster

Everard's painting Lord Sidcup at the moment.

Bertie Wooster

Really? What colour? [chuckles]

Madeline Bassett

Oh, Bertie! I need someone to turn the pages for me.

Bertie Wooster

Right, well, I'll go and find someone, shall I?

Bertie Wooster

If you ask me, Jeeves, art is responsible for most of the trouble in the world.

Jeeves

It's an interesting theory, sir. Would you care to expatiate upon it?

Bertie Wooster

Well, as a matter of fact, no, Jeeves. The thought just occurred to me, as thoughts do.

Jeeves

Very good, sir.

Have you come back to inflict your beastly society on Miss Wardour?

Is that why you sneaked back in this underhand fashion?

Underhand? I like that! Well, may the best man win, that's what I say.

Bertie

Never mind about the best man. What about me? Suppose Aunt Agatha finds out.

Bertie Wooster

This is a bit steep, Jeeves.

Jeeves

Approaching the perpendicular, sir.

Jeeves

I regret that the terms of my employment do not permit me to take part in criminal activity, sir.

Bertie Wooster

[dismissively] What rot, Jeeves. We're only going to borrow him for an hour. In any case, there's nothing remotely criminal about bringing two loving hearts together.

Jeeves

That is not an assertion I should care to see tested in a court of law, sir.

Jeeves

I attended the performance of a cinema film recently in which the estranged parents of the child were brought together again by the tot in question.

Bertie Wooster

Well, how?

Jeeves

If I remember rightly, sir, it said, "Dadda, doesn't 'oo love Mummy no more?"

Bertie Wooster

"Dadda, doesn't 'oo love Mummy no more?" And that did the trick, did it, Jeeves?

Jeeves

Oh, yes, indeed, sir. The picture concluded with a close-up of the happy pair in fond embrace, with the child looking on with natural gratification.

This isn't another idea for getting Clam and Uncle Percy together?

Bertie Wooster

Absolutely! Yes, "the simplicity of genius" is a phrase you might find springing unbidden to your lips.

Don't "what ho" me. I know why you're in New York. You're here for a bit of snake-in-the-grassing.

Bertie Wooster

Snake-in-the...?

Grassing!

[referring to Stilton] D'Arcy Cheesewright is an uncouth Cossack!

Bertie Wooster

Isn't that one of those things clergymen wear?

Jeeves

When I was in service with Lord Worplesden, sir, Mr. Fittleworth contracted an engagement to Lady Florence.

Bertie Wooster

Boko Fittleworth did? Huh. I never knew that. This tendency on the part of the human race to rush around getting engaged to Florence is absolutely inexplicable.

I fell asleep! I didn't wake up till Nobby was banging on the door. I don't know where girls get these expressions from, Bertie.

Bertie Wooster

What expressions?

I couldn't repeat 'em, not with gentlemen present.

Bertie Wooster

[playing the piano while singing] This Irving Berlin fellow seems to have come a bit of a cropper here, Jeeves.

Jeeves

Sir?

Bertie Wooster

This new song of his — too many words, not enough notes.

Jeeves

If you'll pardon me for saying so, sir, it seems to be a reasonably straightforward syncopated 5/4 time signature. If you were to accent the words "if," "where" and "fashion," I think you'd find that the correct rhythmic pattern would emerge.

Bertie Wooster

"If," "where" and "fashion." Right. [playing and singing] "If you're blue and you don't know where to go to / Why don't you go where fashion sits / Puttin' on the Ritz." Well, he more or less gets away with it, Jeeves, but what about this? "Spangled gowns upon a beauty of hand-me-downs on clown and cutie, all misfits, Puttin' on the Ritz"? Well, just as well for him he chose the Ritz, Jeeves. Imagine the trouble he'd have gone into if he'd decided to write about putting on the Regency. Now, where do you suppose he'd find a rhyme for "Regency," Jeeves?

Jeeves

Ah... "with due expediency," sir?

Bertie Wooster

[trying it out on the piano] "With due expediency / Puttin' on the Regency." It doesn't really work, does it, Jeeves?

Jeeves

Very true, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Sorry, Bingo, out of the question. I will not go through all that again. Telling him my pen name was Rosie M. Banks and that I'd written all those frightful novels.

Bingo Little

Not for me?

Bertie Wooster

Not for you nor a dozen like you.

Bingo Little

I never thought to hear those words from Bertie Wooster!

Bertie Wooster

Yeah. Yes, well, you've heard them now! Paste them into your hat!

The Glossop method is based on the patient being given an excess of whatever it is he most desires — as it may be alcohol or the companionship of the opposite sex or, as in Lord Bittlesham's case, food. The patient will eventually revolt at the sheer immoderation of it and voluntarily deny himself.

Bertie Wooster

Ah, sort of get it out of his system.

Precisely.

Bertie Wooster

Is it successful?

It's theoretically impeccable, Bertie, and extremely popular.

Bertie Wooster

Yes, yes, I should think it would be.