Bertie Wooster quotes from Jeeves and Wooster

Bertie Wooster

Were there any messages?

Jeeves

Just one, sir. Lady Florence Craye telephoned. She will be calling on you shortly.

Bertie Wooster

[gaping] Lady — F-Florence Craye? Good heavens.... Well, well, well.... Good, well. [leaves kitchen, then comes back in] Ah, Jeeves! Still, uh, still there, are you?

Jeeves

Yes, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Jeeves, there was — there was a book on the little table thing by the sofa.

Jeeves

Was it entitled Strength Through Willpower, by Lady Florence Craye, sir?

Bertie Wooster

That's the one, Jeeves.

Jeeves

I placed it by your bedside, sir. I took the liberty of glancing through the volume and thought it might make an excellent remedy for insomnia. Would you like me to get it, sir?

Bertie Wooster

No, no, no, I'll — I'll get it, Jeeves. Just thought I'd leave it casually lying about, as she gave it to me, you see. Trying to improve my mind, I dare say.

Jeeves

That seems scarcely possible, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Yes, Lord Worplesden's place.

Jeeves

Yes, sir. Lady Florence Craye's father.

Bertie Wooster

Yes. Yes, absolutely. Well [coughs nervously] anyway ... we're engaged. Just thought I'd ... I'd let you know. To Lady Florence, that is, not her father.

Jeeves

Let me be the first to congratulate you, sir.

Bertie Wooster

You ... you don't disapprove, Jeeves?

Jeeves

It is hardly my place to say, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Well, I know that it is hardly your place to say, Jeeves. Doesn't normally stop you.

Jeeves

[attempting to be diplomatic] Extremely ... invigorating, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Yes, Jeeves, it's just the word I would have used. Yes, it makes you want to get up and bally well have a run around the park.

Jeeves

My feelings precisely, sir.

Bertie Wooster

How's Stinker?

Who?

Bertie Wooster

Your fiance.

I don't have a fiance. If a girl's fiance can't stand up to a girl's uncle and demand a girl's hand in marriage, he has no right to call himself a fiance.

Bertie Wooster

I thought he had done all that?

He did. But uncle Watty refused.

Bertie Wooster

Well that's hardly Stinker's fault ...

He obviously didn't put enough backbone into it.

Gussie's playing Pat in the "Pat and Mike" cross-talk act at the village concert I'm producing.

Bertie Wooster

Oh, really? And who's playing Mike in this merry mélange of fun and topicality?

What are you doing here?

Bertie Wooster

Er ... dinner!

Dinner? This isn't the dining room.

Bertie Wooster

Isn't it? Oh. Thought I could smell tapioca.

The dining room's over there. You can't miss it. There are people having dinner in it.

Jeeves

Will that be all, sir?

Bertie Wooster

Yes, that'll be all, Jeeves. ... Or rather no. I'll tell you what, Jeeves, you couldn't just pop down to Sir Watkyn's study for me, could you? You'll find a safe in there, just a little one ...

Jeeves

No, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Oh dash it all, Jeeves.

Jeeves

Will that be all, sir?

Bertie Wooster

You're a hard man, Jeeves.

Jeeves

But a free one, sir, and it is my ambition to remain in that state. Good night, sir.

Bertie Wooster

I say! [the sledgehammer, missing the safe, comes crashing down instead on an adjacent table] What are you doing!?

How dare you question my motives!?

Bertie Wooster

Yes, the date of the battle is the number of the combination.

Ah, Trafalgar.

Bertie Wooster

Uh, no ...

Hastings.

Bertie Wooster

Yes! No ... no, like Hastings. Hastings ... Mason ... Raisin ...

[irritated] I don't recall a Battle of Raisin.

Bertie Wooster

Well perhaps it was in the Grape War. [chuckles] It was a joke, Spode.

Gussie Fink-Nottle

But it's absolute balderdash, Bertie. I mean, listen to this: "Sure and begorrah, I don't know what's after being the matter with you, Michael." I mean, what on earth is this "what's after being" stuff mean?

Bertie Wooster

My dear old Gussie, that is how people think Irish people talk.

What parcel was this, Wooster?

Bertie Wooster

Nothing special... usual sort of brown-paper affair, bit of string, suspicion of sealing wax, that's all.

Bertie Wooster

Jeeves!

Jeeves

Yes, sir?

Bertie Wooster

That parcel has arrived in London!

Jeeves

Yes, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Well, did you send it?

Jeeves

Yes, sir. [Bertie lets out a small scream] I acted for the best, sir.

Bertie Wooster

You do know that Lady Florence has broken off her engagement with me.

Jeeves

In my opinion, sir — and I'm sorry if this causes you any distress — you and Lady Florence are not ideally matched. Her ladyship is of a highly arbitrary and determined temperament, sir, quite opposed to your own.

Bertie Wooster

Oh, indeed, Jeeves! Well, I'm very grateful for your opinion! I must say that what I had in mind from you was abject, quivering apology! This is very sad, Jeeves, but I'm going to have to think very seriously about your future. I — [catches sight of Florence telling off two servants downstairs]

...I trust that is not alcohol I smell on your breath. Drunkenness may be de rigeur among the servants in some houses, but I should be sorry to see it take hold here.

My lady.

I suggest you read these. They're a brief introduction to the beliefs and aims of the Theosophical Society. Study them well! [hands a pamphlet to each servant, then exits]

Thank you, my lady.

Yes, Lady Worplesden.

Bertie Wooster

...Yes, well, I've thought seriously about your future, Jeeves, and I think it should continue very much in the vein of your immediate past. I owe you an apology, Jeeves.

Jeeves

By no means, sir.

Bingo Little

You, er ... don't know how I could raise fifty quid somehow, do you?

Bertie Wooster

Work?

Bingo Little

[recoiling in disappointment] Bertie.

Bertie Wooster

Aunt Dahlia! What ho, old blood relation!

[affectionately] Hello, Bertie, revolting young blot.

Bertie Wooster

Why is it do you think, Jeeves, that the thought of that little thing my Aunt Dahlia wants me to do for her fills me with a nameless foreboding?

Jeeves

Experience, sir?