Bertie Wooster quotes from Jeeves and Wooster

Bertie Wooster

Um, a problem has arisen in the life of, uh, a friend of mine, Jeeves, who shall remain nameless, and I want — or rather he wants — your advice.

Jeeves

Certainly, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Well, ah, I must begin by saying that this is one of those delicate problems where not only must my friend be nameless, but all the other personnel as well.

Jeeves

Would you prefer it if we were to term the protagonists A and B, sir?

Bertie Wooster

Yes, or North and South.

Jeeves

A and B is more customary, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Yes, well, you know best, Jeeves. Very well. Now then, A is male and B female. You follow me so far?

Jeeves

You have been lucidity itself, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Bingo, old can of fruit!

Bingo Little

What ho, Bertie.

[referring to Bertie's cocktail] Now what do you suppose those things are doing to your eye?

Bertie Wooster

For your information, Cheesewright, one does not administer alcohol by the eye, or even by the ear. The mouth is the correct orifice.

Not if one's meant to be in training for the Drones' darts tournament, it isn't.

Bertie Wooster

Ah, yes, of course, you've drawn me in the sweepstake, haven't you? Well, your money is safe, Cheesewright. The Wooster form is as devastating as ever.

We want a win this year, Wooster, not another dratted tie. I happened to look into the Drones this afternoon. Freddie Widgeon was at the darts board, stunning everyone with a performance that — took the breath away.

Bertie Wooster

Tcha!

Eh?

Bertie Wooster

I said "tcha!" scornfully, with ref. to F. Widgeon. I know his form backwards.

He's knocked off smoking, you know!

Bertie Wooster

No!

He takes a cold bath every morning!

Bertie Wooster

[shrugs] He's forgotten where the hot tap is.

This is wonderful! What horrible people! Are all nightclubs like this?

Bertie Wooster

Ah, well, this is about average for the unlicensed places.

Unlicensed?

Bertie Wooster

You said you wanted somewhere low and garish.

Oh no, I'm not complaining. This is just the sort of place I pictured Rollo coming to that night!

Bertie Wooster

Rollo?

The hero of my novel. Rollo Beeminster. He's in a wild mood, reckless, desperate. He's lost the girl he loves, and he comes to this low nightclub trying to forget, but it's useless. He looks around him at the glitter and garishness and feels how hollow it all is.

Bertie Wooster

Yes. [clears throat] I saw Stilton at the Drones tonight.

Oh, yes?

Bertie Wooster

Yes, he was in a wild mood. He looked about him at the Drones' smoking room and I could see he was feeling what a hollow... smoking room it was.

Bertie Wooster

Well, I can't possibly come down to Brinkley, aged aunt. If I'm seen within a twenty-mile radius of Florence Craye, I get my spine broken.

Oh, you're so selfish, Bertie. You don't know how important this is to me.

Bertie Wooster

Well you don't know how important my spine is to me. I'm very attached to it.

Bertie Wooster

You know, Jeeves, I can't help thinking, somewhere at the back of my mind, there must be a better method of deciding the championship than playing the best of six games.

Jeeves

It does seem likely, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Perhaps the best of eight would do it.

Jeeves

Possibly, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Ten. Exhaustion might yet result, if nothing else.

Jeeves

I'm sure the Sports Committee will find a way, sir — given time.

Bertie Wooster

Oh, stop playing with the hat, Jeeves. I knew you wouldn't like it.

Jeeves

Oh, not at all, sir! Oh, good heavens, it has its name printed on the inside! How convenient!

Madeline Bassett

I'm furious with Augustus.

Bertie Wooster

Oh, surely not!

Madeline Bassett

He was so rude about Roderick.

Bertie Wooster

Never!

Madeline Bassett

He said to Daddy that he was sick and tired of seeing Roderick clumping about the place as if it belonged to him, and if Daddy had an ounce more sense than a billiard ball, he would charge him rent. He was most offensive!

Bertie Wooster

Well, h-h-he said it with a light laugh.

Madeline Bassett

No.

Bertie Wooster

Well, you might not have noticed it. Very easy to miss these light laughs.

Perhaps you have hidden depths, Wooster, is that it?

Bertie Wooster

I don't think so. No one's ever mentioned it, anyway.

Bertie Wooster

Oh by gee by gosh by gum by Jove!

Oh by Jove, oh by Jove, oh by Jove!

Bertie Wooster

Oh By Jingo, won't you hear our love?

Madeline Bassett

Will you kindly raise your voice?

Louder!

We will build for you a hut!

Yes!

You will be our favourite nut!

Correct!

Bertie Wooster

We'll have a lot of little oh-by-Joveses!

Jeeves

Dress them up in clogs and clotheses.

Bertie Wooster

Oh By Jingo said by gosh by gee!

G, A, B, C, D, E, stop!

Madeline Bassett

Oh by jiminy, please don't bother me!

Bother her, bother her!

Bertie Wooster

So they all went away, saying

Oh by gee by gosh by gum by Oh By Jingo, by gee, you're the only one for me!

Jeeves

Bring me lobster on a clean plate!

Bertie Wooster

Ha! Do you ever feel like throwing open the window and shouting that the world is a wonderful place, Jeeves?

Jeeves

Erm... no, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Or dancing in the street, scattering petals on the passers-by?

Jeeves

Only infrequently, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Good Lord! Ginger Winship!

Bertie! Nice to see you!

Bertie Wooster

You down here for the wedding?

No, no. There's a by-election. I'm standing for Parliament.

Bertie Wooster

No!

I am!

Bertie Wooster

But you're an absolute idiot, Ginger!

I know!

Bertie Wooster

Something up with the bath?

Jeeves

The water appears reluctant to drain, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Oh. Pulled the plug out, have you?

Jeeves

That was amongst the first things I thought of, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Yes, well I'm sorry, Ginger, but there's a snag here. I expect you've spotted it.

Florence.

Bertie Wooster

Well done.

No, it's all right. I'm going to get Florence to break our engagement.

Bertie Wooster

No, no, no, no, no! Ginger, let's not be hasty!

I'm going to lose the election.

Bertie Wooster

How? The voters of Totleigh-in-the-Wold would elect Bobsey the cloth-eared bunny rabbit if he was wearing a blue rosette.

Bertie Wooster

Who was that fellow with the circles, Jeeves?

Jeeves

You are perhaps thinking of the Florentine poet Dante Alighieri, sir, who, in the first part of his Divina Commedia, is conducted by Virgil through the nine circles of Hell.

Bertie Wooster

That's the chap. Well, those fellows he bumped into had it easy.

Jeeves

One could beg to take issue with you there, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Were any of them engaged to marry Florence Craye?

Jeeves

The poet makes no mention of it, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Or condemned to stand, whey-faced and trembling, at the altar steps while Madeline Bassett advanced on them, up the aisle, on the arm of her father?

Jeeves

Indeed not, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Well, it had to happen to somebody one day, I suppose. And it happened to me today. Fate has dealt me the royal flush, Jeeves: I'm engaged to Madeline Bassett and Lady Florence at the same time.

Jeeves

Oh. [pause] Oh dear, sir.