Bertie Wooster quotes from Jeeves and Wooster

Bertie

Stinker! Good heavens!

Bertie! Well, well, well!

Bertie

I always wondered what became of you!

I was wondering only the other day what had happened to you. Good heavens!

Bertie

Well, well, well!

Extraordinary thing!

Bertie

And here you are!

Well, well, well!

Bertie

Absolutely amazing. Good heavens.

Er — is that the end?

Bertie, I think you're a pig!

Bertie Wooster

A pig, maybe. But a shrewd, level-headed pig. A pig who was not born yesterday and has seen a thing or two.

Bertie

One has tried, one has failed! One can do no more.

Don't you try that "dying duck in a thunderstorm" stuff on me, young Bertie. You will get that cow creamer.

Bertie

No — no, you don't understand, Aunt Dahlia. I have tried! I've been threatened with a shotgun, and Roderick Spode says that if I try again, he will beat me to a jelly.

Yes? Go on.

Bertie

What do you mean "yes, go on"? You wouldn't want your favorite nephew to be beaten to a jelly, now would you?

Might be an improvement.

[angrily] Why wasn't Fink-Nottle at dinner?

Bertie

Perhaps he wasn't hungry.

I'm looking for him.

Bertie

Oh. Right. Well uh...any message if he should turn up?

Tell him I'm going to break his neck!

Bertie

Break his neck. Right. And, uh, if he should ask why?

He knows why! Because he's a butterfly who toys with women's hearts and throws them aside like soiled gloves.

Bertie

Do butterflies do that?

Are you trying to be funny?

Bertie

No, no, no.

Good.

Oh, ha jolly ha.

Bertie Wooster

Oh, ha jolly ha to you, young Stiffy, with knobs on!

And ha jolly ha to you, with double knobs on!

She'll make something of you, perhaps. I'm sure there are many good qualities underneath that, uh...rough exterior.

Bertie Wooster

Uh, well, no, actually.

Bertie Wooster

Ah! What ho, Sir Watkyn?

Kindly do not address me in that familiar way, Wooster. I happen to know that, once again, you yield to the awful temptation to steal a policeman's helmet!

Bertie Wooster

Oh, rot!

Bertie Wooster

[speaking of Spode] You can't be a successful dictator and design women's underclothing.

Jeeves

No, sir.

Bertie Wooster

One or the other, not both.

Jeeves

Precisely, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Are these the actions of rational human beings, Jeeves?

Jeeves

It's difficult to say, sir.

Bertie Wooster

I mean, is it for this that we dragged ourselves from the primeval ooze, to stir up the emotions of civil, honest citizens to the point of frenzy and then go around playing tennis and giggling?

Jeeves

It's an interesting question, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Have you ever seen a floral clock, Jeeves?

Jeeves

I have not had that pleasure, sir.

Bertie Wooster

No, well, don't. Have nothing whatever to do with floral clocks. If a friend says, "Just one more floral clock can't do you any harm," be firm.

Jeeves

I shall do as you recommend, sir.

Jeeves

Did you have a pleasant afternoon, sir?

Bertie Wooster

You have a cruel streak, Jeeves. I hadn't realized it before. What blighter was it that invented the bicycle?

Jeeves

The first truly rideable machine was made by a Mr. Kirkpatrick Macmillan of Dumfriesshire in Scotland in, erm, 1839, I believe, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Oh. Too late to do anything about it now, I suppose.

Jeeves

I fear so, sir.

[to the police officer] And stand up straight! Is that the way they teach you to stand at the police force nowadays?

Bertie Wooster

Is there anything I can do, Aunt Agatha?

Yes, there is. You can leave. I have enough to bear without your imbecilities. [to the officer] Your chief constable should hear of this. What is your name?

Bertie Wooster

I think there's something the matter with that girl, Auntie. Isn't she crying or something?

Remorse! She stole my pearls! [to the officer] Do you refuse to give me your name?

Bertie Wooster

Pearls? Well, that's a coincidence. These aren't the little chaps, are they? [holding them up]

Oh, no, of course not — [catching sight of them] Wh-where did—?

Bertie Wooster

I got them from your friends the Hemmingways.

The Hemmingways? The Hemmingways?! Well, how did they come into the possession of the Hemmingways?

Bertie Wooster

Because they jolly well stole them, that's how! That's what they do for a living! They are jewel thieves!

No, no, no, no, no, no—

Bertie Wooster

Yes, yes, aged A! I mean, I don't want to rub it in, but you do realize that if you had succeeded in getting me to marry that girl, then I should most probably have had children who'd have sneaked my watch while I was dandling them on my knee!

Oh, Bertie, dear, you—

Bertie Wooster

Now I'm not a complaining sort of chap, as a rule, but I must say that in future, you might be just a little bit more careful how you go about egging me on to marry females! [hands her the pearls and walks out, then does a dance in the hall]

Bertie Wooster

It's Biffy, isn't it? What have you got against old Biffy?

Jeeves

I'm sure Mr. Biffen has many fine qualities, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Oh, very well, then. If you're not going to chip in and save a fellow creature, I suppose I can't make you. You're going to look pretty silly, though, when I get old Biffy out of the soup without your assistance.

Jeeves

I shall try to bear up under the shame of it, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Yes, well.... Right, well, I'm going back into that sitting room now, Jeeves, and I'm going to put in some pretty tense thinking.

Jeeves

Very good, sir. Shall I wake you at six, sir?

Bertie Wooster

Er yes, tha— [turning suddenly] NO, NO, Jeeves! There will be no need! The brain will be racing.

Jeeves

[in disbelief] As you say, sir.

Are you a theater lover, Mr. Wooster?

Bertie Wooster

Oh, rather!

One of my most treasured memories is of Irving playing Hamlet at the Lyceum.

Bertie Wooster

Really? Who won? [guffaws]

Bertie Wooster

Was that the doorbell, Jeeves?

Jeeves

It certainly gave that impression, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Who could that be at this time of night?

Jeeves

I shall endeavor to ascertain, sir.