[about Gussie's reported romantic interest in Madeline Bassett]
Bertie WoosterWell, I must confess, Jeeves, that until you supplied this information, I had definite doubts about Gussie's chances. But now, hope begins to dawn. He's just the sort of chap that Madeline Bassett might scoop up with a spoon.
This is indeed good news, sir.
Bertie Wooster
I wouldn't go so far as to say she actually writes poetry, but when a girl suddenly asks you out of a clear blue sky if you don't think that the stars are "God's daisy chain," well, I mean, you do begin to wonder, Jeeves.
[clears throat] Indeed, sir.
[about the white mess jacket]
I assumed it had got into your wardrobe by mistake, sir, or else that it has been placed there by your enemies.
Bertie Wooster
I will have you know, Jeeves, that I bought this in Cannes!
Bertie Wooster
Every night at the Casino. Beautiful women used to try and catch my eye!
Presumably they thought you were a waiter, sir.
Bertie Wooster
Tuppy, old man!
It's no good saying "Tuppy, old man"!
Bertie Wooster
Well, I do say "Tuppy, old man"! One is... one is shocked; one raises the eyebrows! Where is the fine old chivalrous spirit of the Glossops?
Well, where is the sweet, gentle, womanly spirit of the Angelas? Telling a chap he's getting a double chin!
Bertie Wooster
Now be fair, Tuppy. Remember the time you told her that new hat made her look like a Pekinese?
Yes, well. Did make her look like a Pekinese. But that wasn't vulgar abuse, just sound, constructive criticism.
[Bertie rolls his eyes]
Oh, Bertie, what a beautiful night!
Bertie Wooster
[humouring her] Rather!
All the flowers have closed their eyes....
Bertie Wooster
Really?
And all the little stars have woken up. [sees rabbits in the garden, not comprehending that they're only pottery figures] Oh, look! The little bunnies — how still they are!
Bertie Wooster
Yes, yes, they are marvellously still, aren't they? Yes....
[following Gussie's utter failure to make a good impression with Madeline Bassett]
Bertie Wooster
But how could anything go wrong? All he had to do was… propose.
So one would be disposed to imagine, sir. However, upon finding himself alone with the young lady, he confesses to having lost his nerve. In such circumstances, gentlemen frequently talk at random, sir, saying the first thing that chances to enter their head. This, in Mr. Fink-Nottle's case, would seem to have been the newt: its treatment in sickness and in health.
Bertie Wooster
Bad, Jeeves.
Bertie Wooster
And how long did he go on talking about newts?
According to Mr. Fink-Nottle, he supplied Miss Bassett with very full and complete information, sir.
Bertie Wooster
Very bad, Jeeves.
BFBarmy Fotheringay-Phipps
Mr. Wooster's residence... Where is Mr. Wooster? (Bertie shakes his head and waves his hand at him) He's not at home, sir... I'm Jeeves... What do you mean, "you think not?"... Oh! (he hangs up)
Bertie Wooster
Well, who was it?
BFBarmy Fotheringay-Phipps
Jeeves.
Bertie Wooster
I was standing on Eden-Roc in Antibes last month, and a girl I know slightly pointed to this fellow diving into the water and asked me if I didn't think that his legs were about the silliest-looking pair of props ever issued to a human being. Well, I agreed that indeed they were and, for perhaps a couple of minutes, I was extraordinarily witty and satirical about this bird's underpinnings. And guess what happened next.
Bertie Wooster
A cyclone is what happened next, Jeeves, emanating from this girl. She started on my own legs, saying that they weren't much to write home about, and then she moved on to dissect my manners, morals, intellect, general physique and method of eating asparagus. By the time she'd finished, the best that could be said about poor old Bertram was that, so far as was known, he hadn't actually burnt down an orphanage.
A most illuminating story, sir.
Bertie Wooster
No, no, no, no, no, Jeeves, Jeeves, you haven't had the payoff yet!
Oh, I'm so sorry, sir! The structure of your tale deceived me, for a moment, into thinking that it was over.
Bertie Wooster
No, no, no, the point is that she was actually engaged to this fellow with the legs. They'd had some minor disagreement the night before, but there they were the following night, dining together, their differences made up and the love light once more in their eyes. And I expect much the same results with my cousin Angela.
I look forward to it with lively anticipation, sir.
[Bertie is trying to convince a furious Tuppy Glossop that he's had no romantic intentions toward Angela Travers]
Bertie Wooster
During that sojourn in Cannes, my affections were engaged elsewhere.
Bertie Wooster
My affections. Engaged elsewhere, during that sojourn.
[angrily] Well, who was she?
Bertie Wooster
My dear Tuppy, does one bandy a woman's name?
One does if one doesn't want one's ruddy head pulled off! [approaches menacingly]
Bertie Wooster
Well, yes, right, yes, well, obviously this is a...a special case. Madeline Bassett.
[astonished] You're in love with that weird Gawd-help-us Bassett!?
Bertie Wooster
Well, I don't think you should call her a weird Gawd-help-us, Tuppy. Odd in some of her views, perhaps. One does not quite see eye-to-eye with her in the matter of stars and bunny rabbits. But not a weird Gawd-help-us.
And you stick to it that you're in love with her?
Bertie Wooster
It is not twenty-four hours since she turned me down.
Bertie Wooster
Like a bedspread. In this very garden. So, you'll see, I can't be the chap, if any, who stole Angela from you in Cannes.
Well, because your affections were engaged elsewhere...
Bertie Wooster
During that sojourn.
Hmm, I see. All right then. Sorry to have troubled you.
Bertie Wooster
So! It appears that you've gone and got engaged to the Gussie.
ATAngela Travers
Quite right. We're in love.
Bertie Wooster
Oh, come now, Angela. Gussie's... Gussie's a splendid chap in many ways. If you've got a sick newt on your hands, well, Gussie's just the fellow to tell you what to do until the doctor comes. But honestly, old thing, you could fling bricks by the half-hour in England's most densely populated districts without hitting one girl willing to become Mrs. Fink-Nottle without a general anesthetic.
ATAngela Travers
Well, I thought it would be fun!
Bertie Wooster
Well, I'm surprised at you, young Angela. No wonder they say, "Oh, woman, woman!"
Bertie Wooster
...Well, chaps, supposedly. You know you're potty about Tuppy!
ATAngela Travers
For goodness's sake, Bertie, go away and boil your head!
Bertie Wooster
Well, now, Angela, if you'll permit me to observe…!
Bertie Wooster
Very well, then. I shall say no more. [gets up to leave, then pauses in the doorway] Just... tinkety-tonk!
Gentlemen who are discarded by one young lady are apt to attach themselves without delay to another, sir. It is what is known as a gesture. My uncle George...
Bertie Wooster
Oh, never mind your uncle George, Jeeves.
Bertie Wooster
Save him for the long winter evenings, eh?
I hope you won't take it amiss, sir, but I've been giving some attention to what might be called the "amatory entanglements" at Brinkley. It seems to me that drastic measures may be called for.
Bertie Wooster
[sighs audibly] Drastic away, Jeeves. The prospect of being united for life with a woman who talks about "little baby bunnies" fills me with an unnamed dread.
Good morning, Mrs. Travers. Mr. Wooster asked me to say that he has gone to Switzerland.
Oh, piffle, Jeeves, get the blighter out of bed.
Very good, madam. [goes into Bertie's bedroom] Mrs. Travers, sir.
Bertie Wooster
But, I thought I told you —
I'm afraid she seemed disinclined to believe me, sir.
[a telegram comes while Bertie is in the bathtub]
Bertie Wooster
You'd better read it, Jeeves.
Very good, sir. [clears throat] "Come immediately. Serious rift Madeline and self. Unless you come earliest possible moment prepared lend every effort reconciliation wedding will be broken off. Reply. Gussie," sir.
Bertie Wooster
Ah, well, these are deep waters, Jeeves! There's only one thing we can say with any certainty, and that is that Gussie has made an ass of himself again.
There is that possibility, sir.
Bertie Wooster
Have you got your telegraph pad handy?
Bertie Wooster
Right. Well, send this. "Fink-Nottle, Totleigh Towers, Totleigh-in-the-Wold, Gloucestershire. Yes that's all very well. You say come here immediately but how dickens can I? Relations between Pop Bassett and self not such as to make him welcome Bertram. Would hurl out on ear and set dogs on. What serious rift? Why serious rift? Why dickens? What have you been doing to the girl? Reply. Bertie." [squeezes rubber duck]
Bertie dictates a telegram to a post office employee
Bertie
To Aunt Dahlia. Erm ... I say — look here, this is absolutely impossible. Er ... not to say, out of the question. Spode has already threatened yours truly. Uh ... sorry, and all that ... oh — about the cow creamer, I mean. Anyway, there it is. Toodle-pip, your affectionate nephew, Bertie.
POPost office employee
Is it a code?
Jeeves and Wooster · 179 quotes
