Spencer Shay quotes from iCarly

Carly

You gave me a B?! But I thought you said it was the best in the class!

It was. But, it was printed on 3-hole paper, which I despise.

Carly

Then just let me re-print it for you, on paper that is completely hole-free!

Reports can only be submitted once. Silly little truffle.

Carly

But this means I'll get a B-plus for the semester!

Yes. Congratulations.

Carly

[angrily] I'd like to punch three holes in him, that's what I'd like to do.

Sam

[walking back to Carly's apartment] Tell you what. on the next iCarly, we tell everyone to go egg Mr. Devlin's house. (Realistically, he'd get angry and he'll hate it.)

Carly

Nah, he'd probably like it, 'cause eggs don't have three holes!

Freddie

I told you not to take his class.

Carly

Yes, thank you, Freddie.

Spencer

Well, if it isn't my straight-A little sister, Carl-ay.

Carly

Don't call me "Carl-ay" 'cause I...

Spencer

To celebrate your straight A's, I'm making you a giant "A" made out of a bunch of smaller A's that I found.

Carly

Spencer... -

Spencer

Your "A" is gonna be huge! And when it's all done... -

Carly

I'm not getting straight A's. Mr Devlin gave me a B on my report, even though he said it was flawless.

Spencer

Why'd you get a B?

Carly

Cause I printed it on "three-hole paper".

Freddie

Mr Devlin's, like, the strictest teacher in school.

Spencer

Yeah, I know. He used to be lunch room monitor. He gave me detention.

Sam

For?

Spencer

Playing with my fruit.

Carly

Listen, it was really cool of you to make this big A for me, but would you mind taking it apart?

Spencer

Carly...

Carly

Seriously, if I'm not gonna get straight A's, then I'd rather not be reminded of... Of what almost was.

Spencer

Aw, who needs a hug?

Carly

Me.

Sam

Hey, how do you turn this lamp on?

Spencer

Rampu!

We're gonna need to speak to a parent or legal guardian.

Carly

Spencer!

Spencer

[from another room] I am in the bathtub!

Freddie

[to security officers] Are we under arrest?

Carly

[to the security officers] Are you going to take us to juvie?

Freddie

[scared] I don't want to go to juvie!

Carly

They're gonna take us to juvie! [they both start moaning in fear]

Carly

Electrical wiring just isn't your thing.

Spencer

No, it is not.

Carly

[reading the band's letter to Spencer] "Dear Splinter."

Spencer

He never did learn my name.

Carly

"Thanks for getting us booked on Seattle Beat. You rock for that. Unfortunately, your drumming is suckish." Aw.

Spencer

That's where I said "Aw", too.

Carly

"So we've decided to go ahead with our appearance on Seattle Beat, but we're kicking you out of the band. Also, we took the rest of the deviled eggs and stole your drums. Take care, Blake." Well, that wasn't nice at all

Spencer

Nope.

Carly

I'm sorry.

Spencer

Thanks. I'm just sitting here, listening to their music.

Carly

Well, don't do that! They're mean people.

Spencer

I know. But their music is so good!

Carly

Spencer, it's been four hours. I think you need to get off the kitchen table?

Spencer

Why? Is Santa Claus here to tell me I'm ugly and have no friends?

Carly

Spencer, get up. [tries to move Spencer] Come on, get off the table.

Spencer

[at the same time] No... I'm comfy right... [screams and falls to the floor] Ow.

Carly

You weren't supposed to fall on the floor.

Spencer

Well, you know... gravity.

Hey, what's going on over here?

Sam

Oh, Carly's brother is making a movie.

Check out this dude! (grabs the alien from the set)

Carly

NO, DON'T TOUCH THAT!!

Spencer

[coming downstairs] Okay, Mr. Space hamster, we're -- [Drops his tools in horror] OHHHHHH MYYYYYYY GOOOOOOOOD!!!!! MY MOVIE IS RUINED! I have to start all over again! And my deadline's in less than 24 hours!

Ha, ha, look, its arm came off!

Spencer

Ha, ha, yeah... Why don't you stay for dinner and RIP MY HEART OUT!?

Freddie

Hey Spencer, how's the--

Spencer

CARLY, FREDDIE'S HERE! 14,325... [Carly runs down the stairs]

Carly

I'm freaking out, Freddie! Freaking out! [pulls Freddie to the kitchen]

Freddie

Did you talk to Jonah?

Carly

Yeah, and he tried to kiss me! He totally tried to kiss me!

Freddie

No way!

Carly

Yeah!

Freddie

Are you sure Jonah tried to kiss you?

Carly

Well, let's see. He said, "Kiss me," then puckered his lips. So, call me crazy, but I think the boy wanted some Carly-kissing!

Freddie

That jerk! No one tries to kiss my girl! [Carly gives him a look] (Sorry. Let me rephrase that.) No one tries to kiss you!

Carly

We got cereal.

Sam

Milk?

Carly

Out of milk.

Sam

I'll use root beer.

Spencer

You guys? Any reason I just found this in my shower?

Carly

Oh, my gosh.

Sam

A chick.

Spencer

Yeah, I picked him up thinking he was a bar of soap. Good thing I realized before… [stops] Never mind.

Sam

But how could there be a…

Carly

Our chicks haven't hatched yet.

Sam

Or…

Carly

WE'RE MOTHERS! [Carly and Sam scream as they run upstairs]

Freddie

It says that baby chicks need to be kept at 90 degrees.

Carly

What's the temperature in here?

Spencer

72.

Carly

Turn the heat up to 90!

Spencer

90 degrees?

Sam

No, 90 pickles. Yes, 90 degrees!

Spencer

No need to be hurtful.

Spencer

This is called a guava. [starts nodding head]

Guava. [The class starts nodding their heads.]

And if the vote says that we shouldn't be together... [to Spencer] THEN I HATE YOU! AND THE INTERNET! [she angrily takes her purse, opens the door, pushes a small vase on the floor and leaves]

Spencer

Okay. What was the point of all this? Now she's just gonna be mean and vicious to you guys at school.

Sam

I don't know.

Freddie

Lot of people watch iCarly.

Sam

And sometimes...

Carly

We make sure certain specific people watch.

Freddie

Yes. Yes, we do.

Spencer

[suspiciously] You guys are up to something, and [alarmed] I DON'T WANNA KNOW WHAT IT IS! [runs off]

I hope you haven't made any plans for this weekend, 'cause you're all gonna be up to your eyeballs in homework.

Sam

[whispering] When?

Carly

[whispering] Soon.

And today you will write 1,000 words on why men are dirty, rotten, stinktaitious, ungrateful, aw-- [she gets interrupted by FBI Agents]

Lauren Ackerman?

Yes? Who are you, people?

FBI.

You're under arrest. [he grabs her hands to handcuff her]

Arrest? For what?

For 500 counts of illegally downloading music on the internet.

Well, you have no proof!

Yes, we do. Ma'am? [Carly throws the pear pod to him, and he shows it to her teacher] I believe all the proof we need is on this pear pod.

And you admitted it last night on those kids' web show.

Which we recorded.

You set me up!

Freddie

That's a lie!

Carly

No, we set her up.

Freddie

Oh, yeah.

Sam

So, now what do we do?

Freddie

Yeah, we should probably tell principal Franklin that our teacher's been arrested.

Carly

Or we could go ice skating! [the class cheers and pack up as they go outside their classroom]

Sam

What up with the elevator?

Spencer

I don't know. It keeps breaking and getting stuck like this.

Carly

Come in.

Freddie

All right, who's ready to do a webshow?

Spencer

Hi, Freddie.

Freddie

Hey, Spencer.

Carly

The elevator keeps getting stuck.

Freddie

Ah.

Carly

Is everybody okay? What was that crash?

Spencer

We're fine. The elevator just dropped nine floors to the basement.

Yeah. How would I get down there?

Spencer

[sarcastically] I don't know. I guess the stairs.

Can you show me the stairs?

Spencer

Yeah, if you promise not to fix 'em.

Freddie

[picks up plastic bag] What's this?

Spencer

Bag of dog hair.

Freddie

Whoa! [drops bag]

Carly

Where'd you get a bag of dog hair?

Spencer

I stopped by that pet grooming place down the street.

Carly

Shampoodles?

Spencer

Uh-huh.

I hear you're really good. So why don't you beat me?

Spencer

Oh, you don't think I can, do you?

I know you can't. But I like a challenge.

Spencer

You know, I feel scared and attracted to you at the same time.

Sam

Are you guys gonna make out, or play some Pak-Rat?