Spencer Shay quotes from iCarly

Spencer

At least the fall made the water come out off my ear... and some blood.

Spencer

Oh. You wanna rest there for a minute, Mr. Fly? Okay, that's cool. [Takes an umbrella] It's a comfy counter top, isn't it? [Raises the umbrella] Don't mind me. I'm not gonna kill you with an umbrella or anything. It's just that today's weather forecast calls for DEATH!!! [Accidentally breaks off a piece of the counter top with the umbrella] Aw! Dang it! [Picks up the piece] You made me break the counter top!

Spencer

It is a 15-kilowatt liquid propane generator with a 990 cc Pro-Guard 35 horsepower V-V twin engine, yeah I said all that.

Spencer

[screams] What?! [his pants fall down]

Spencer

[after exiting the cab alongside Carly, Sam, Freddie, and Gibby] MAN, I LOVE NEW YORK!

Spencer

I came up with an insanely awesome way to get more people watching your guys' webcast!

Freddie

Tell me.

Spencer

We get a bunch of fireworks, right? And not the lightweight consumer-grade stuff. I'm talking Fourth of July razzle-dazzle.

Freddie

Razzle-dazzle?

Spencer

Yes, both! Then, at night, we launch the fireworks off the roof of our building, and they explode spelling out "iCarly.com" in the sky!

Freddie

Can we really do that?

Spencer

No.

Carly

Well done, Spencer. You, too, Freddie.

Freddie

Thank you, Carly. In your face, Sam.

Spencer

Carly, Sam, Freddie. You cannot believe how awesome this sign looks from out here. It is so dazzlingly bright, I swear it's like-- [car crashes]

Carly

What's going on out there, Spencer?

Spencer

Well, it seems our sign is so bright and dazzling, it distracted one of the drivers below. [car crashes] Actually, two of the drivers-- [another car crashes] Three of the dr-- [many cars crash] Literally, many of the drivers below are being distracted by our extremely dazzling sign.

Freddie

Quick. Turn it off!

Turn it off!

Spencer

Oh, okay. I will now turn off the sign. [pushes button, but the sign starts flickering instead of turning off]

Freddie

That's not off!

Carly

Spencer.

Sam

Dude!

Spencer

Oh, man, I am pressing the buttons! Literally, all of them, trying to turn off the sign.

Freddie

You're gonna overload the circuits!

Sam

"Pee on Carl"?

Carly

Turn that off!

Spencer

I am trying! It's the stupid cars! [hear car tires screeching] Don't look at the sign! Stop beholding the si-- [hears a crunch] I stepped on my taco!

[of the multiple boys in the apartment Carly/Spencer will end up dancing with in a dream] I don't know what's going on here... but I think I like it.

Spencer

Alright, don't worry too much about this yet, just... go do your homework or something.

Carly

Kay.

Spencer

I mean... YOU GO DO YOUR HOMEWORK RIGHT NOW, YOUNG LADY!

Carly

Yes, sir!

Spencer

AND JUST SAY NO!

Carly

Always!

Spencer

AND STAY IN SCHOOL!

Carly

Maybe.

Spencer

Here. [hands Granddad a piece of paper]

What's this?

Spencer

Everything you need to know about taking care of Carly. I've listed all her allergies, the number for poison control...

She has allergies?

Spencer

Yes. These are Carly's favorite foods, drinks, soups and chowders...

Aren't soups and chowders the same thing?

Spencer

No, there's a distinction. This is her homework schedule and a number for a tutor because she's been having a little trouble with science. These are the vitamins that she needs to take everyday. I only give her the ones shaped like dinosaurs.

Why?

Spencer

Dinosaurs are cool. Oh, and she's really into drinking coffee, [whispers] but I always give her decaf without telling her.

Carly

What?

Spencer

[in normal voice] Nothing.

Freddie

And what did he mean, "You'd rue the day"?

Sam

Yeah, what does rue mean?

Carly

No one knows!

Spencer

I got it, right here. "Roux: A mixture of fats and flour used to make sauces and soups."

Sam

[perplexed] Nevel called you a fat flour?

Carly

Try spelling it differently.

Spencer

Okay, here. "Rue: To regret. To wish that something had never been done."

Sam

Uh-oh.

Freddie

You know what this means.

Carly

Of course. He's gonna make me regret shoving tapenade in his face by trashing iCarly on his stupid website.

Freddie

[shrugs in despair] We're dead.

Carly

[touches her cheek] I'm gonna go scrub his creepy lip residue off my cheek.

Spencer

Hey, why isn't it cold in here? Toasty the Baker. GOOD GOD! [runs to his sculpture along with Sam and Freddie and screams] TOASTY!

Sam

[about Spencer's melted butter sculpture] Gross, it's like a giant baby threw up.

Spencer

WHY?!?!?!?!

Sam

I told you not to turn the heat up!

Freddie

What?! I never even--

Sam

It's too late for apologies.

Freddie

But I didn't turn the--

Spencer

It's OK. It's OK. I just need a mop and a bucket and 20 more pounds of butter!

Spencer.

Spencer

Mrs. Benson. Freddie, your mom's here.

I came over because I heard screaming. Freddie, are you all right?

Freddie

Yes, mom.

Spencer

He's fine. But I really got to

Do you know he's allergic to fruit?

Sam

[sarcastically, to Freddie] Aw, who's got a fruit problem?

Freddie

Not me. I am not allergic to fruit!

Well, what if you were? He'd probably give you an orange and then your face would puff up.

Sam

I would love that.

Spencer

Look, I gave him no fruit. Now, please, I'm out of butter--

False! I saw you come home yesterday carrying grocery bags filled with butter.

Spencer

You spied on me?

No, I just happened to be glancing through my peephole.

Spencer

That butter's gone and so am I.

What have you done with all that butter? Freddie, I want you to take a bubble bath tonight. Spencer!

Spencer

I didn't give him any fruit!

Sam

Cool mom.

Sam

And this is Carly's brother, Spencer.

Carly

Any words for our viewers before we sign off?

Spencer

[to camera] Never forget to buy candy on Halloween.

Freddie

Don't mind me, I'm just a guy having some pie!

Spencer

Hey, is that one of those pie-spy video cameras?

Freddie

No, it is not.

Oh, yeah, they were talking about those on the Food Channel... Or was it the Spy Channel?

Spencer

You know, I think it was the Spy Channel.

Freddie

I don't know what you guys are talking about! This is just a normal piece of pie that doesn't record anything!

Spencer

But there's a big lens on the side.

Freddie

[frustrated] Oh, just forget it! [goes back upstairs]

Carly

Will you ask the Plain White T's to perform on iCarly?

Spencer

Will you take a digital picture of my back?

Carly

Yes!

Spencer

Then, yes!

Spencer

Lamp. Lamp. Lamp!

Carly

I think it knows it's a lamp.

Spencer

No, I want it to turn on. Lamp! Do you need a ride to school?

Carly

No, Freddie's mom's gonna drive us. And look what I'm gonna hand in today.

Spencer

You finished your history report?

Carly

No, I finished the greatest history report in the history of history reports.

Spencer

Nice. So what's it--?

Spencer

What? Lamp! What?

Carly

If I get an "A" on this, that means I'll get an "A" for the semester, which means I'll have straight A's on my report card for the first time ever!

Spencer

I'm very proud of you. [at lamp] Lamp! [annoyed] Gah! Why won't it work?

Carly

Let me see the instructions.

Spencer

Good luck, they're in Japanese.

Carly

Well, did you try saying "Lamp" in Japanese?

Spencer

I did not! How do you say it?

Carly

It looks like... "Rampu."

Spencer

Okay. Rampu. Rampu. RAMPU! [Lamp turns on]

Carly

Hey!

Spencer

It worked!

Carly

Yeah, you just got to say it like a really angry Japanese man!

Spencer

RAMPU! [lamp turns off] Come try! [Carly sits down next to Spencer]

[repeatedly] RAMPU! [Freddie walks in and stares at them for a moment, then walks back out slowly]