Spencer Shay quotes from iCarly

Spencer

AHHWHH! OH MY GOD! [comes into the kitchen from the back door, covered in smoke and ash]

Carly

...What happened to you?

Spencer

You guys... realize how flammable gasoline is? It's really flammable!

[comes into the Shay's apartment holding a silver bar] Freddie!

Gibby

Wow, Freddie! Your mom's here!

[puts the silver bar on the counter]

Freddie

[looks at her; confused] What's that?

100 ounces of pure palladium.

Gibby

Wow! So a bar like that must be quite valuable!

Oh, it is, it has a street value of nearly $100,000.

Spencer

[raises his eyebrows; eyes wide]

Freddie

[holding the bar; surprised] Whoa, whose is this?

Yours...

Freddie

Why would you give me something worth this much money?

So you'll do something for me in return!

Gibby

That seems fair!

Freddie

What do you want me to do?

[loudly] Stop dating Sam!

Freddie

[gets off the chair he was sitting on; looks confused and shocked] How'd you know?

Gibby

Yes, how did you know?

It doesn't matter! [to Freddie] If you want that bar of palladium, you tell that no good Puckett to find some other boy to ruin!

Freddie

You can't bribe me to break up with Sam!

But, Freddie!

Freddie

[furious] No chance!

[screams and rips a piece of her shirt; takes the palladium back from Freddie and runs back into her apartment].

Freddie

[mouthing] Wow... [sits back down]

Carly

[to Freddie] You know eventually you're gonna have to tell your mom you and Sam are dating.

Freddie

[scoffs] Oh really, you wanna see my mom burst into flames?

Carly

Yes!

Spencer

That'd be cool.

Sam

[laughs]

[Off Screen knocking on the door] Freddie, are you in there? Come home! It's time for your tick bath!

Freddie

Now what?

Sam

[to Freddie] No worries, we'll take the 'vator. [to Spencer] Tell his batty mom you haven't seen him or me.

Spencer

No, no, de nopedy nope, I am not gonna lie to your mother.

Freddie

[frustrated] Why not?

Spencer

'Cause when you tell one lie it just leads to another lie, and another lie...and before you know it, you're a guy telling multiple lies.

Sam

[scoffs] Oh come on, when the girl with no teeth kept coming over here I lied for you.

[OS annoyed knocking on the door louder] Fredward Benson!

[look to Spencer, pleadingly]

Spencer

Fine. I'll lie. Go.

[OS annoyed knocking on the door] Fredward!

Carly

[to Sam and Freddie] You know, you guys could invite me to go to the movies with you. [as Sam and Freddie step in the elevator]

Freddie

[to Carly as the elevator door is closing, hesitating] Uh, well if you wanted to--

Sam

[to Carly as the elevator door is closing, hesitating] Um.. well, okay, let's get the door.

[as the elevator door shuts] Bye, Carly!

Gibby

Cool! There having a big sale at glitter gloss?

Spencer

Why do you get text alerts from Glitter Gloss?

Gibby

I care about women's issues, a'ight?

Spencer

[looks at Carly, Sam and Freddie giving an offended and weirded out expression based on Gibby's reaction]

That movie is too scary for Spencer.

Spencer

No it's not!

That's it. Go to bed.

Spencer

But I--

Right now!

I'm gonna tickle you! [to Spencer whilst also tickling him]

Spencer

Don't do it! [laughing]

Carly

Okay, This needs to stop right now.

Isn't it past your bed time?

Carly

You're not the babysitter of me!

Spencer

I'm at the junkyard bright 'n early this morning...

Carly

You sure you didn't wake up at noon?

Spencer

... So I'm at the junkyard, about 2:30.

Spencer

I'm not all about goofy antics and spontaneous fires.

Sam

But ... mostly, you are?

Spencer

Well, yeah.

Carly

That's my brother Clams.

Sam

Nice to meet ya there, Clams!

Spencer

Owww! Squirrreeeelll!!! [sling-shots Sam in the face]

Sam

D'ah!

Carly

Sam! Sam!

Sam

Too late! I already put my tongue in the pudding cup. [puts her tongue back into the pudding cup]

Carly

I don't care about the pudding cup.

Freddie

I did!

Carly

We all have to go to Olympia next week for Nora's parole hearing.

Sam

For why?

Carly

For wh-? For to make sure that they keep that crazy girl in prison!

Sam

Maybe they should let her go?

Carly

What?! Why?!

Sam

Look, I've been to prison. It's not fun in there.

Freddie

Yeah, and maybe when Nora trapped us she was like, depressed or something?

Carly

Yeah, well, I was bummed when I didn't get asked to junior prom, but did I lure the cast of 'Full House' into my basement and torture Uncle Jessie!

T-Bo

Man, I'm so dang sick of this!

Carly

What are you doing?

T-Bo

Putting on a suit so I can go home.

Spencer

Dude, you don't have to keep pretending to be Mr. Perfect for Freddie's mom.

Freddie

Yeah, he does!

T-Bo

See!

Freddie

If my mom sees how T-Bo really is, she's never gonna let him stay in our house! [turns to face T-Bo who looks offended] No offence.

T-Bo

Oh I'm not offended. I feel all warm inside knowing that your mom would be disgusted if she knew the real me.

Freddie

It's not that it's... yeah it's that.

T-Bo

Haha. [sarcastically] That's nice, let's all just pretend that T-Bo doesn't have feelings. [walks out of the Shay apartment]

Gibby

Hey Teebs, wanna see what I got?

T-Bo

Not really!

Gibby

Gibbaaaayyy!

Freddie

Hellooooo.

Sam

Gibaloni.

Carly

Where've you been?

Gibby

The mall! With my head up inside something for almost two hours!

Sam

Please say it was a horse.

Gibby

Uh, nope. Haha. But it was inside this really cool machine, that made... this! [gets out a fake version of his own head]

Sam

Oh my god!

Spencer

No!

Carly

Woah!

Gibby

It's an exact replica of my own head!

Sam

What does it do?

Gibby

Blow minds! Look awesome!

Carly

Wasn't it expensive?

Gibby

Oh yeah!

Sam

Where'd you get the money?

Gibby

From that diaper commercial I did.

Carly

Oh yeah.

Gibby

Are your feet in milk?

Spencer

Yep.

Gibby

[moves a milk carton off the coach and sits down next to Spencer] I love that.

Carly

Hey, did you see the email we got about freaky Nora?

Gibby

Yeah, it's nice that they're letting her out.

Carly

What?! K, what is the matter with everyone?! That girl kidnapped us and beat the fudge out of you!

Gibby

Look, I'm forgiving, and I like chinese food. That's who I am. [lifts up his dummy head] That's who we are. [nods both his real and fake head]

Carly

Well sorry, but we're all going to that parole hearing, and we're all gonna tell the judge that Nora needs to be kept in prison.

Gibby

[Sniffs his fake head] Ummm, I love that new head smell.

Spencer

Arrggghhhhh!!

Carly

[walks up to the TV] Spencer! Spencer!!

Nora

Oh, silly Carly, he can't hear you.

Sam

He's in the basement!

Freddie

Would you stop that wheel?!

Nora

Oh, I'd be glad to. [stops the wheel]

Spencer

Arggghhhhh..... Oh, great, it's stopped spinning.. now I can puke.

Nora

No need to watch that. [turns off the TV]

Gibby

Don't turn it off, it was just getting good!

Carly

Nora... you're a nutcase!

Nora

[stands up on the couch] The proper term is disturbed, lonely, socio-path.

Sam

Look, dude, we're the ones who got you out of jail!

Nora

True.. but first, you tainted the memory of my 16th birthday party! So now, we're going to undo the taint. Mother, please fetch our party guests!

[while doing weird and uncool hand gestures] BRB!

Carly

You're the one who ruined the memory of your own birthday party!

Freddie

Everything would’ve been cool if you'd just let us go home afterwards!

Sam

Instead of you and your stupid chicken locking us in your basement!

Nora

You will never, besmirch the name of my chicken. You apologize to Maurice right now!

Sam

Ah, sniff it Nora.

Nora

I will not, sniff it! But I will give Carly's brother, the spins.

Spencer

Oh no, It's turning again, what's.. happening!?

Carly

Just apologize to the chicken!

Sam

Urghh. [walks over and bends down to Maurice] I'm sorry that I bespired your name by calling you stupid. And that I've eaten thousands of your relatives.

Nora

Thank you, Sam. Now let's all wear party hats, there's some right over there!

Carly

We're not wearing party hats.

Nora

Put on the hats!

Gibby

Wait a second.

Gibby

Why are you guys staring at me?

Freddie

You said, "Wait a second."

Gibby

Oh, yeah! Uh, there's 4 of us and 1 of Nora, so let's just take the remote away from her.

Nora

Ooooh, bad idea. See if any iCarly's make a sudden move, I hit this special red button, and Spencer spins at top speed until his brain turns to goo.

Carly

Goo?!

Nora

Yes, goo! Haha! And you won't be able to stop it.

Gibby

Huuhhhh. She's really thought this through.

Nora

Yes, prison gives you lots of time to think, and to plan, and to not shower.

Spencer

Come on, Marty. Let's go look through my dirty clothes for money!

I call pants!

Spencer

YAH!!

Freddie

Come on. Let's go meet Gibby at the Smoothie.

Spencer

Okay.

Carly

[Comes out of the elevator with her suitcase] I'm back.

Spencer

[Opens the door] Later.

Freddie

See you.

Sam

Bye, Carls.

Carly

Okay wait, is it straight?

Freddie

Ummm, I think my side needs to be a little higher.

Carly

[looks at Sam] Sam.

Carly

What are you doing with that balloon?

Sam

Taping the string to Freddie's phone.

Freddie

My.... [rummages around for his phone in a slight panic] Get your hands off my phone!

Sam

No prob. [lets go of the balloon]

Freddie

Oh, no...

Carly

Sam...

Freddie

You get my phone down from there right now!

Sam

'Kay.

Freddie

No no wait, I want you t-

Freddie

Not sure the warranty covers that.

Gibby

Gibbay! Woah, you guys getting ready for a party?

Sam

Yep.

Freddie

Carly's dad's coming home for a few days.

Carly

And it's the first time in 3 years that I get to spend his birthday with him.

Gibby

So, Spencer's not your dad?

Carly

[half-annoyed] No.

Gibby

Oww!

Sam

[annoyed] You deserved that.

Gibby

Great. Now when I sit I'm gonna have to put all my weight on my left buttock.

Spencer

Okay! Okay, tell me what you guys think, huh? [makes funny noises while doing a weird jog on the spot, He is wearing a suit]

Sam

What?!

Freddie

You got a job interview?

Spencer

Ew, no, gross.

Carly

He never told our dad that he dropped out of law school so now he wants to pretend he graduated and that he's a lawyer in a big law firm.

Spencer

[fake laughs] I gotta! You want dad to come home and be disappointed in me?

Carly

He's been disappointed in you since you were 9!

Freddie

Is that when Spencer set that ice-cream truck on fire?

Carly

Yes.

Spencer

[annoyed] It was an accident!

Carly

Accident or not, it put Mr. Creamstein out of business!

Gibby

Woah ho ho, what's this?

Carly

Don't touch it.

Sam

That's her dad's birthday cake.

Carly

Yeah, it's an exact replica of an Air Force, F22, fighter jet.

Spencer

Aha! Which I have specially rigged with automatic, self-lighting candles.

Carly

Spencer- [tries to grab the remote off of him]

Spencer

Don' touch me, your dirty. [everyone looks around all confused] When we show dad the cake he say "Well, why aren't the candles lit?" and then Carly will say "Well what do you mean the candles aren't lit?" and then I'll press this button, and-

Carly

I'll order another cake.

Freddie

What's wrong?

Spencer

That was my dad, he, he can't come home now.

Sam

What?!

Freddie

No way?!

Spencer

Yeah, there's some situation in some country, I dunno, he's gotta help handle it.

Freddie

Well who's gonna tell Carly?

Sam

I'm not telling Carly.

Spencer

Why?!

Sam

Because it's going to be like slapping a sweet puppy in the face!

Spencer

SO you're gonna make me tell her that her father-

Carly

Junior Curnal Carly Shay with a new jet fighter birthday cake requesting permission to land. [shuts the door] Dad is gonna love this, and right after he blows out the candles, Spencer, you and I are gonna give him huge hugs. And Freddie, I want you to get it all on video okay?

Spencer

Um.. [turns to Sam and Freddie]

Spencer

Weenies!

Carly

Why are they weenies?

Spencer

I dunno, some people are just, born with the weenie gene.

Carly

Okay, something's going on here.

Spencer

Yeah, sit. [he and Carly both sit on the couch] Carly, sometimes, in life-

Carly

I know. A man and a woman fall in love and they get special feelings-

Spencer

No, no. Not that. Dad had a change of plans, and he can't come home right now.

Carly

[shocked] He is too coming home, he told me.

Spencer

Yeah, he was, but, there's a military situation-

Carly

But we planned a big birthday party and everything.

Spencer

I know, I'm sad about it too, but-

Spencer

Don't be mad at him.

Carly

I'm not mad I just... I just miss him.

Spencer

You wanna talk about it?

Carly

No.

Freddie

Hey!

Sam

Did you just call us weenies?

Spencer

Yes.

Sam

Ok.

Freddie

Later