Spencer Shay quotes from iCarly

Sam

[Notices the broken piece of the counter top] How'd the counter get broken?

Spencer

Some lady came and–

Carly

[Takes the umbrella, realizes] You were trying to kill the fly!

Spencer

Flies like to die.

Carly

When do we go to the bathroom?

Freddie

That is up to your bladder.

Spencer

Do girls have bladders?

Carly

No, we store pee in our feet.

Spencer

[Opens the door] Just a moment! [Opens the door to see that Gibby has arrived holding his sleeping bag] Gibster, what up, little weirdo?

Gibby

Not much. [Makes his way inside] Carly here?

Spencer

Nah, she just left with Freddie and Sam for Webicon. You can catch 'em if you hurry down–

Gibby

No, I don't need to catch 'em. Just wanted to return this sleeping bag. I don't need it anymore. [Throws Spencer the sleeping bag. Spencer catches it] You should probably wash that.

Spencer

Don't you need that for camp?

Gibby

Nah, I just found out I'm too old for camp.

Spencer

Too old?

Gibby

Yeah, once you turn 15, they won't let you go anymore.

Spencer

Aw. Well, I know how you feel. I remember when they said I wasn't allowed to go to camp anymore.

Gibby

'Cause you were too old?

Spencer

No.

Spencer

So if you can't go to camp, what are you gonna do?

Gibby

I don't know. [Sits down on the couch] Sit home, take a bath, watch reruns of Diff'rent Strokes.

Spencer

Hey. [Closes the door] How would you like to go to camp right here in this apartment?

Gibby

[Surprised] What you talking about, Spencer?

Spencer

[Takes a phone] I'm gonna call your mom and tell her you can come to Camp Spencer right here for the next few days.

Spencer

What do you say to that? [Starts to make a call]

Gibby

[Excited] I say "Dy-no-mite!"

Spencer

You watch a lot of classic TV?

Gibby

[Confused] What do you mean?

Spencer

Come in!

Gibby

[Comes into the apartment wearing a backpack and a lanyard and holding two pillows] Hello, fellow camper!

Spencer

Hey, Gib. Where's your mom?

Gibby

She dropped me off. [Closes the door]

Spencer

Aw. She didn't wanna come up and see me?

Gibby

Nope.

Spencer

Okay. [Sees the lanyard on Gibby's neck] Whoa! Nice lanyard. [Takes a look at the lanyard]

Gibby

Thanks. Made it at camp last year.

Spencer

Shut up!

Gibby

True chiz!

Spencer

Awesome!

Gibby

[Takes off his backpack and puts it down on the couch] So what's our first camp activity?

Spencer

Uh– I was gonna plan some stuff, but then I got stuck working on this countertop all day– [Picks up the piece of the countertop and shows it to Gibby] –and it's still not fixed.

Gibby

No problem. Let's fix the countertop together, then start camp.

Spencer

[Puts down the piece] Who's awesome?

Gibby

Gibby!

Spencer

Yeah!

Gibby

[Puts down the bottle] Spence. I don't mean to be rude, but– [Angrily] –I've been sittin' here for two hours doing NOTHING!

Spencer

I know, I'm sorry.

Gibby

[Stands up] You said this would be like camp. How long is it gonna take you to fix that countertop?

Spencer

[Finishes painting glue on the piece of the countertop] It's done. [Puts the paintbrush on top of the bucket]

Gibby

It is?

Spencer

I just applied the lacquer. [Puts down the cloth] Now, I test it– [Picks up the bottle] –by setting this bottle right here on the previously broken corner. [Puts down the bottle on the piece of the countertop]

Gibby

Nice work!

Spencer

Thanks!

Gibby

Time for camp?

Spencer

Yep. [Picks up the bottle, but the glue has glued the piece of the countertop to the bottom of the bottle] I was thinkin' we could start with– [Realizes that the glue has glued the piece of the countertop to the bottom of the bottle and gets exasperated]

Gibby

Maybe you should've waited longer for it to dry.

Spencer

Really? [Shrugs]

Gibby

[Angrily] You really gotta take the whole countertop off?

Spencer

Yeah, I told you, I need to set it on its side so I can epoxy the corner back on and secure it with clamps 'till the epoxy dries.

Gibby

And then, we get to do camp stuff?

Spencer

I promise. Now come on and help me lift the counter off.

Spencer

On lift.

When the temperature gets too high, the elderly will start to die!

Spencer

Wow, that's a creepy rhyme.

Carly

MY ROOM'S ON FIRE!

Spencer

WHAT?

Sam

Fire?

Carly

Oh my god... my room.

Sam

Wow.

Spencer

Well... It could be worse.

No, It couldn't. I'm Chief Donker. Seattle Fire Department.

Spencer

(holds out his hand) Spencer Shay.

Yeah. We know who you are.

Sam

Hey, come here, kid. (Carly breaks down into tears and she and Sam hug each other after her room got destroyed) It's okay, Carls. If you want, you can stay with me and my mom. (Carly keeps crying louder and harder)

Freddie

Do you guys know how the fire started?

Oh, yes. (he holds up the gummy bear lamp) This bedside table lamp started the fire.

Carly

But I don't have a table lamp.

Sam

Look... Spencer wanted to make you a special present for your birthday...

Freddie

So... He made you a gummy bear lamp...

Spencer

(depressed) Carly, I'm... Hey, I bet what that goat did to you last year doesn't seem so bad anymore. (Carly cries again and hugs Sam again)

(to Freddie and confused) ...What did the goat do?

Freddie

You got your room back.

Gibby

Except for all your old photos and other personal items that can never be replaced.

GIBBY!!

Carly

(to Spencer) Who has the best big brother ever?

Spencer

You... (they hug, then face the others)

Gibby

Man. Is there anything money can't do?

Gibby

They really hit it off.

Spencer

GIBBY!!

You have the breath of a dastardly goat with infected gums.

Spencer

Your words have no bite. For they are spoken by a gutless thief. Sprung from a lineage of cowards and hog farmers! (the crowd gasps)

...Okay, seriously dude, you take that back right now.

Spencer

No returns, man. Put it out there and it's staying out there!

Sam

Hey! Can I come in?! Freddie get off that computer! Have you guys seen this?! YOU GOTTA SEE THIS!!!

Freddie

No wait, just give me about 20- [Sam pushes Freddie off the chair] GOING DOWN!!! [falls to the floor before getting up] Aw, man! It was rendering!

Carly

[to Sam] What is up?

Sam

Nevel!

Spencer

Papperman?

Sam

[sarcastically] No, Nevel van Houterschmousen.

Spencer

[idiotically] The pianist?!

Freddie

There's only one Nevel.

Carly

And he's not a pianist.

Spencer

Hey Carly! I brought you some- [pauses and looks at what Carly is doing] What'ya doing?

Carly

[sounding tired and stressed] Spray painting this butt blue.

Spencer

Any reason?

Carly

It's for a bit we're doing on iCarly tonight.

Spencer

[sounding excited] A blue butt bit?!

Carly

[sounding annoyed] Yes, a blue butt bit!

Spencer

Ah! I brought you some corn juice. [shows Carly the glass of juice]

Spencer

See, I was just, hanging on my lawn, shacking some corn, and I thought to myself, "How come no one's ever thought to juice corn?" So I grab a juicer and-

Carly

[starts to yell at Spencer] MAYBE NOBODY HAS EVER THOUGHT TO JUICE CORN BECAUSE MOST PEOPLE HAVE BRAINS THAT FUNCTION NORMALLY! [Throws her spray painter on the table in anger]

Spencer

Uhh.. [sounding really upset]

Carly

Oh.

Spencer

Wh-

Carly

[starting to feel bad for yelling at him] Oh no, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! No, here, give me the cup..

Carly

Come here, come here.. [gives Spencer a hug] No, I know, you didn't do anything wrong!

Carly

I'm just.. Sam and Freddie have been bugging me like ten times a day to referee every little argument they have, and I'm just... I'm under a lot of stress!

Spencer

Okay. [blows his nose on his towel] But if Sam and Freddie keep getting on your nerves, then, why do you keep helping them?

Carly

Cause they're my friends, and... they're in this new relationship, and I.. I want them to be happy. [takes a sip of the corn juice and spits it back into the cup] Corn juice is awful!

Spencer

Isn't it?!

Gibby

Gibbaaayyy!

Carly

Hey Gibby, you wanna help me with-

Gibby

Shut up a sec!

Carly

[confused]What?

Gibby

After the show, you gotta take the puppy to the vet, I think he's got an anxious bladder.

Carly

Why me?!

Gibby

He's your dog too!

Carly

No, he's not! I never wanted a dog!

Carly

I'm sorry! Come here! [gives Gibby a hug] Oh my god I'm a monster. You want some corn juice?

Gibby

Yes please.

Carly

Those stars you put on the ceiling look so cool.

Spencer

Good. 'Cause it wasn't easy getting 'em up there.

Carly

What about that moon?

Spencer

Even harder. That thing weighs like 60 pounds.

Carly

Wow.

Spencer

Yeah. Had to use a bunch of big long screws, and a steel cable to stur—

(Groan)

Spencer

Hi, I made a lawn!

Gibby

That is a lawn.

Carly

See, this is why I don't like to leave the house. What do we do with it? [pokes Spencer in the stomach]

Spencer

Whatever we wanna do!

Gibby

The possibilities are limitless!

Spencer

We can play on it, we can sit on it and listen to music, we can have a barbecue on it-

Gibby

We can play badminton.

Spencer

You play badminton?

Gibby

Heck yeah! Got my own racket and shuttlecock!

Spencer

Sweet! [high fives Gibby] Oh! And at night, we can just lay on the grass and, stare up at the stars.

Gibby

Yeeeaaahhhh.

Carly

Okay. [walks over to the kitchen]

Gibby

Man, wait 'till Sam and Freddie see this. I bet they love lawns.

Spencer

Where are they?

Gibby

Probably making out.

Spencer

Eewwwwww!

Carly

Why ewww?

Spencer

I don't like couples that are all public with their.. [makes kissing noises, trying to make fun of Sam and Freddie kissing]

Carly

Oh c'mon! Sam and Freddie have spent years practically hating each other, I think it's kinda nice to see them being all... [makes kissing noises]

Spencer

No no, it's more like... [makes more kissing noises]

Gibby

Haha. Look at this lawn. This is one sweet patch. [starts stroking the grass]

You know that's Kentucky Chuck grass.

Gibby

Seriously?!

Sam

Unbelievable!

Spencer

You don't live here.

Freddie

Don't walk away from me when I'm talking to you!

Sam

Fine, then talk.

Freddie

Okay, look, it's not that i didn't appre-

Sam

(groans and walks away)

Freddie

You walked away again!

Spencer

Look at my lawn.

Carly

What are you guys fighting about?

Sam

Nothin'.

Freddie

Mr. Fracs gave me a B on my world history paper and I was mad because I thought I deserved an A.

Sam

That's right, you told me you were mad at Fracs.

Freddie

That didn't mean I wanted revenge!

Sam

If he's gonna give you B's, why shouldn't I give him bees?

Carly

Wait, what'd you do?

Sam

I filled his car with bees.

Freddie

I don't need you to fight my battles for me.

Sam

Come on baby, you wrote a good paper.

Freddie

I know, but you can't just go around-

Carly

Alright, listen. Sam, Freddie should be able to complain about people to you without worrying that you're gonna put them in a hospital.

Sam

I guess.

Carly

And Freddie, even though it's a little extreme, to violate a man with bees, you should a least appreciate that Sam did it because she cares about you.

Freddie

(Sighs) Yeah, you're right. I'm sorry.

Sam

(Puts her arms out towards him) Give mama some sugar.

Freddie

Okay. [they kiss and hug]

Carly

Awww.

Awww.