Freddie Benson quotes from iCarly

Well, you know when you put out a new shoe, they always have a few minor problems.

Sam

"Minor"?

Freddie

What would be a major problem?

Carly

If they came to life in the middle of the night and ate your family?

I live alone.

[while the Daka Employees are giving the group money] Blueberry muffin?

[takes one, but the Daka President slaps his hand] I'm stupid.

Sam

Keep it coming...

Freddie

This is good.

Carly

This is fun. This is a fun time.

Sam

Hey.

Freddie

Hello, Sam.

Freddie

I did something bad to get detention.

Sam

What did you do?

Freddie

You'll see.

All right, class, everyone please sit.

Gibby

What for?

Freddie

Just do it! Go!

Gibby

Hey, Mr. Palladino, can you staple these papers together?

Sam

Wow. You are a maniac.

I'm sorry, Gibby. I can't find the stapler.

Freddie

That's right, cause I took it.

Ah, yes. Thank you, Freddie. There you are, Gibby.

Gibby

Here.

Freddie

Keep them.

Sam

Dude, this is the principal's office!

Freddie

I know! I'm so bad. Look what I did! [pulls up the window blinds to reveal a spray-painted insult]

Sam

[reading the words on the window] "Freddie says: Principal Franklin-

"-sucks eggs!"

Freddie

Ha, ha!

Sam

Impressive, that might get you double detention!

Freddie

Yep! When Principal Franklin sees that, you better believe he's gonna--

Mr. Howard

[after catching the students; angrily and confused] A video camera?! Turtles?! Burritos?! What is going on here?!

Carly

[hesitantly] The iCarly 50th Web-Show Spectacular? [Sam hesitantly presses 5th button which plays a recording of a cheering crowd; Carly angrily snatches the remote from Sam]

Mr. Howard

[angrily; stupidly thinking he had won] You're all really in trouble now. I am talking suspension! I am talking expulsion! Deportation! [Principal Franklin appears, but Mr. Howard doesn't notice] And you can all start with 500 push-ups! I don't care what Principal Franklin has to say about it.

Principal Franklin

[sternly] (Oh, really?) You don't?

Mr. Howard

[angrily] No! I-- [sees Principal Franklin; alarmed] Oh! [embarrassed] Oh, dear. Pr-- Principal Franklin.

Carly

What are you doing here?

Principal Franklin

Well, I was at home, watching the iCarly 50th Web-Show Spectacular. [to Carly and Sam; pleased] Congratulations, by the way. My kids and I love your show.

Carly

Wow.

Sam

Awesome.

Principal Franklin

[becomes serious again] While I was watching, I heard Mr. Howard...call me a weak, spineless fool.

Mr. Howard

[horrified] No, no, no! I Said...uh, sweet. Stylish. Cool.

Principal Franklin

[not believing Mr. Howard] (No, you didn't.) In my office.

Mr. Howard

But I--

Principal Franklin

[sternly] Now.

Mr. Howard

[walks out of detention room; defeated] Why does everything always happen to me?

Carly

So, now what?

Principal Franklin

Well, I suppose Mr. Howard has tortured you all enough. Go home.

Carly

Okay, we're just about done.

Sam

I'm Sam...

Carly

I'm Carly...

Principal Franklin

And I'm Ted.

Principal Franklin

[Sam almost pushes 5th button; politely] May I?

Sam

[politely] Second button from the bottom. [Principal Frank pushes said button]

♪ It's iCarly's 50th Web-Show Spectacular. ♪

Bye! Keep visiting iCarly.com. Don't forget it.

Freddie

And we're clear.

Freddie

Do you really think Sam's gonna make me get a tattoo of her face?

Carly

I don't know, but if she does, won't your mom freak?

Freddie

She freaked when I spilled one tiny drop of mustard on my church pants! [Carly laughs] What?

Carly

"Church pants!"

Sam

[about the Briarwood headmaster] Of course she'll like Carly! And then, Carly will go there, make all new friends and then bye-bye us!

Freddie

I don't wanna be bye-byed!

Sam

I can read a book!

Freddie

Name three books you've read.

Sam

Boogie Bear, Boogie Bear II, and Boogie Bear III: The Return of Boogie Bear.

[to Sam] You're fired.

What?!

Sam

Hold on, hold on. If I'm fired, do I get paid for the whole week?

Yeah!

Sam

Laters. [walks out with rib]

Freddie

No, I toasted your bagel, cleaned your fish tank, got hacked on by Amber Tate's rat dog, and I even rubbed ice over a sweaty guy's stomach, but I will not plunge your toilet!

Come on, you're my supervising producer.

Freddie

Well, I ain't supervising what you produced in there! (to Carly) Sorry, Carly. I quit.

Carly

Well, now, we've lost Sam, Freddie, and Harper.

Oh, everything's gonna be fine.

Carly

"Fine"? This isn't even iCarly anymore!

Oh, come on, how can you say that.. You know, you're right. This isn't iCarly anymore.

Freddie

[holding up a bunch of love notes] These are love notes.

Carly

Uh-oh, from Shannon?

Freddie

Uh-huh! And try taking a test while she's staring at you like this! [makes flirty poses while smiling suggestively, imitating Shannon.]

Carly

Please never make those faces again.

Freddie

What's it gonna take to make Shannon understand? I don't wanna go out with her!

Now, I want you all to write a 10-page essay on the Louisiana purchase.

Carly

Um, we haven't even gotten to that chapter yet.

Too bad! Sometimes, things happen you're not prepared for!

Carly

But how are we suppose to write an essay on something you haven't taught us about yet?

I don't need your sass, Carly Shay.

Carly

Sass? Look, it's not fair to make us write 10 pages --

Let's make it 15 pages, yeah, that's right! Ow... I'm gonna go get some aspirin. Start reading chapter whatever. [leaves]

Carly

I'm not sassy!

Freddie

Her boyfriend must have dumped her hard.

Sam

No kidding. The lady is losing it.

Carly

Sometimes I'm bold, but I'm never sassy!

Freddie, why aren't you reading chapter whatever?

Freddie

Oh, um, 'cause I dropped my textbook in the bathtub last night.

Of course. You men are all the same. You lose interest in your textbook and then you just dump it in your filthy bath water!

Carly

Ms. Ackerman, you don't need to yell at Freddie in front of the whole class.

Oh, look! More back talk from the sass master!

Carly

I am NOT the sass master! And it's wrong for you to be mean to Freddie just 'cause your boyfriend broke up with you!

Sam

Wow, Carls. Maybe you are the sass master.

Now you go straight to the principal's office!

Carly

What?

You heard me!

Carly

But--

GO!

Carly

Why do I--

NOW!

Carly

Miss--

GET OUT!!!

Carly

Oh...

Freddie

Oh, hey! I uh, just got the new cable for the-- (sees Ms. Ackerman in her red dress) Whoa!

Carly

...I also said whoa.

Hey, Freddie, what are you doing here?

Freddie

I was just uh, coming over to help work on the web show... with Carly... WHOA!

Carly

Okay, why don't we go upstairs before you start drooling. (pushes him upstairs)

Have fun, you guys.

Freddie

(while being pushed, he repeatedly looks at Ms. Ackerman) Sick.

Carly

Go!

And if the vote says that we shouldn't be together... [to Spencer] THEN I HATE YOU! AND THE INTERNET! [she angrily takes her purse, opens the door, pushes a small vase on the floor and leaves]

Spencer

Okay. What was the point of all this? Now she's just gonna be mean and vicious to you guys at school.

Sam

I don't know.

Freddie

Lot of people watch iCarly.

Sam

And sometimes...

Carly

We make sure certain specific people watch.

Freddie

Yes. Yes, we do.

Spencer

[suspiciously] You guys are up to something, and [alarmed] I DON'T WANNA KNOW WHAT IT IS! [runs off]

I hope you haven't made any plans for this weekend, 'cause you're all gonna be up to your eyeballs in homework.

Sam

[whispering] When?

Carly

[whispering] Soon.

And today you will write 1,000 words on why men are dirty, rotten, stinktaitious, ungrateful, aw-- [she gets interrupted by FBI Agents]

Lauren Ackerman?

Yes? Who are you, people?

FBI.

You're under arrest. [he grabs her hands to handcuff her]

Arrest? For what?

For 500 counts of illegally downloading music on the internet.

Well, you have no proof!

Yes, we do. Ma'am? [Carly throws the pear pod to him, and he shows it to her teacher] I believe all the proof we need is on this pear pod.

And you admitted it last night on those kids' web show.

Which we recorded.

You set me up!

Freddie

That's a lie!

Carly

No, we set her up.

Freddie

Oh, yeah.

Sam

So, now what do we do?

Freddie

Yeah, we should probably tell principal Franklin that our teacher's been arrested.

Carly

Or we could go ice skating! [the class cheers and pack up as they go outside their classroom]

Sam

What up with the elevator?

Spencer

I don't know. It keeps breaking and getting stuck like this.

Carly

Come in.

Freddie

All right, who's ready to do a webshow?

Spencer

Hi, Freddie.

Freddie

Hey, Spencer.

Carly

The elevator keeps getting stuck.

Freddie

Ah.