Freddie Benson quotes from iCarly

Freddie

[picks up plastic bag] What's this?

Spencer

Bag of dog hair.

Freddie

Whoa! [drops bag]

Carly

Where'd you get a bag of dog hair?

Spencer

I stopped by that pet grooming place down the street.

Carly

Shampoodles?

Spencer

Uh-huh.

Freddie

This has nothing to do with Consuela!

Carly

Yes, it does! And I'm not leaving this room until you-- (sparks come out of the computer) AH! I'm going downstairs! (she runs, the computer sparks again, she screams and she goes out the door)

Freddie

Carly... (sparks come out again) AHHHH!

Freddie

Hey.

Carly

Hi. I gotta tell you something.

Freddie

You're gonna tell me that there was no bad luck? That Sam did all that stuff to me?

Carly

How'd you know?

Freddie

Well, I didn't know when it was my pink shorts and my laptop, but I saw her loosening the bolts on my bike.

Carly

But I thought your bike fell apart while you were riding it?

Freddie

Nope. I just pretended on that one.

Carly

So, you're not gonna try to get her back?

Freddie

You mean, do something devious, like send her a fake text message that looked like it came from Gary Wolf, telling her to meet him at the Crown Ridge Mall?

Carly

[chuckles in disbelief] I didn't know you could be so bad.

Freddie

You squished my trackpad finger!

Carly

That's not something a cool person says.

Freddie

I don't care! [to Sam] So are you gonna pay us back or what?

Sam

I was until I realized how much it'd be.

Carly

How much do you have?

Sam

Let's see. [reaches into pocket] I've got... 14 bucks... a double A battery... some string, a fork, and... I think that's an olive.

Carly

The olive's moving.

Sam

[grabs a fire extinguisher and bangs the table for a while] ... I got it.

Freddie

Are you having some kind of lip seizure?

Carly

I'm trying to blend coconut lip gloss and pineapple lip gloss to create a Piña Colada flavor. [rubs lips together] I realize this isn't attractive.

Freddie

Actually, it kinda is. So, does it taste like Piña Colada?

Carly

You wanna find out?

Freddie

Yes!

Freddie

...But wait. The fudge balls aren't free.

Carly

No, but when you subtract the cost of the fudge balls from the money our fans sent us, we still make $541 in profit. And Spencer wins the bike for the little sunshine girl.

Freddie

...But wait. What do we do with the money?

Carly

Well, we get to keep $541, and Sam owes us $526, so we give Sam the $526, and then she can pay us back and quit her stupid job.

Freddie

...But wait.

Carly

Stop saying "But wait"!

Freddie

Sam's not gonna take the money from us.

Carly

Why wouldn't she?

Freddie

It's a pride thing. It's why she won't quit her job. If we just give her the money, she won't feel like she really paid us back.

Carly

Yeah. Okay, how about this?

Freddie

Yeah?

Carly

We find some adult that Sam doesn't know.

Freddie

Okay.

Carly

And we give him the $526 and then he gives the money to Sam as a tip at the restaurant.

Freddie

That's brilliant.

Carly

Isn't it?

Freddie

...But wait.

Carly

WHAT?!

Freddie

That leaves an extra $15.

Carly

Yeah, $5 for me, $5 for Sam and $5 for you; Go nuts!

Freddie

Morning, girls. Check me out.

Carly

What?

Freddie

[lifts up shirt] No belt. And look-- [lifts up pants] Open-toed shoes.

Sam

[sarcastically] Wow, you're an animal.

Carly

But I thought your mom always makes you wear a belt, and never lets you wear open-toed shoes.

Freddie

Yeah, but since she's been taking care of Lewbert, I can pretty much do whatever I want. Last night? Slept with my socks on.

Sam

So?

Freddie

Just my socks.

Sam

[crunchy cheese snack pieces fall out of her mouth in shock]

Spencer

Come on, Mrs. Benson. It'll be fun. [talks to his battery-powered hat] What's that? I think I hear Tokyo calling Toki-you.

Freddie

Come with us to Japan. You love sushi.

Marissa

I suppose it would be nice to try a California roll from where it all started.

Spencer

Here, let me see. [checking at the plane tickets] [little shock and surprise] Okay, great, these are first-class tickets. I can just trade these for five coach seats and we're all set.

Marissa

[sighs] All right, so if we're all going to Japan, there's lots of preparations to be done. We'll need passports, fresh underwear, a voltage converter for your night light.

Freddie

I don't need the night light anymore. [to Marissa] So you're sure the night light will work in Japan?

Marissa

We'll make sure. [they head into their apartment]

Freddie

My mom is a nutcase.

Carly

Uh, you're just now figuring that out?

Spencer

Whoa! That was intense.

Carly

Hey, your collar broke.

Spencer

Oh, yeah! At least now I don't have to worry about…(The collar shocks him in his hand) [screams] [breaks the collar in two]

Freddie

I think Freight Dog threw our luggage out of the plane.

Carly

What makes you think that… [luggages fall down from the plane]

Sam

The Fat Cakes are okay.

Freddie

Hey, did anybody see my red backpack come down? [Fred's backpack hits Marissa Benson] Oh!

Carly

Okay, I think that's everything.

Freddie

[after trying to entertain the baby with a bear costume] I thought I heard you guys out here.

Carly

Freddie? Is that you in there?

Freddie

Yeah, It's me.

Sam

[dryly] Oh, my gosh. The bear ate Freddie. Bad bear! [smacks Freddie in the head with a baseball bat, and Freddie goes down]

Freddie

Ahhh! [Carly helps him up] Never do that again!

Sam

You're not the boss of me. [smacks Freddie again]

Freddie

Oh, there you are. Hey, did you check out that video I sent the guy can fit a whole grapefruit... Hey. Hey, are you crying?

Carly

Just leave me alone.

Carly

You handcuffed her to Gibby?!

Freddie

She put a dead fish in my locker!

Sam

Gibby's WAY worse than a dead fish!

Gibby

My mom thinks I'm awesome!

Freddie

[makes short laughing type noise]

Sam

What?

Freddie

Nothing it's--

Sam

Tell me!

Freddie

Nah, it's dumb.

Sam

Say it!

Freddie

Okay. I was gonna say...

Sam

That we should kiss?

Freddie

[looking down in embarrassment] You're going to break my arm now, right?

Sam

[shakes head] No.

Freddie

Well...should we? Just so both of us can get it over with?

Sam

Hm. Just to get it over with.

Freddie

Just to get it over with.

Sam

And you swear we both go right back to hating each other as soon as it's over with.

Freddie

Oh, totally, and we never tell anyone.

Sam

Never. [pause] Well, lean.