Freddie Benson quotes from iCarly

Freddie

Well, better tell Spencer to cancel the Plain White T's.

Sam

Oh, man, this bites.

Freddie

Well, we can't do iCarly as long as Nevel controls our site.

Nevel

[turns his telecast back on hearing their conversation; tauntingly] So true.

Carly

[angrily] Get off my monitor! [angrily walks to the computer, unplugs it, and picks up a phone]

Freddie

Who are you calling?

Carly

You'll see.

Sam

You ordering pizza?

Carly

[annoyed] No! [Sam sits on the couch]

Nevel

And now, on iCarly, I will sing a song all about my web cast. [singing in a tone similar to "Old MacDonald Had a Farm"] ♪ I have a web show that I do, it is really bad! ♪

Sam

How can this not be infuriating you?!

Carly

Just keep watching.

Nevel

♪ And boring too, it makes people sad! With a boring here and-- ♪ [noticing that military soldiers are in his house] What are you people doing here? I demand a--

QUIET!

Nevel

Yes, sir.

Freddie

Who's that?

Carly

A friend of my dad's.

Sam

[deeply surprised] You called in the military?

Carly

[smugly] I don't play around.

Carly

You gave me a B?! But I thought you said it was the best in the class!

It was. But, it was printed on 3-hole paper, which I despise.

Carly

Then just let me re-print it for you, on paper that is completely hole-free!

Reports can only be submitted once. Silly little truffle.

Carly

But this means I'll get a B-plus for the semester!

Yes. Congratulations.

Carly

[angrily] I'd like to punch three holes in him, that's what I'd like to do.

Sam

[walking back to Carly's apartment] Tell you what. on the next iCarly, we tell everyone to go egg Mr. Devlin's house. (Realistically, he'd get angry and he'll hate it.)

Carly

Nah, he'd probably like it, 'cause eggs don't have three holes!

Freddie

I told you not to take his class.

Carly

Yes, thank you, Freddie.

Spencer

Well, if it isn't my straight-A little sister, Carl-ay.

Carly

Don't call me "Carl-ay" 'cause I...

Spencer

To celebrate your straight A's, I'm making you a giant "A" made out of a bunch of smaller A's that I found.

Carly

Spencer... -

Spencer

Your "A" is gonna be huge! And when it's all done... -

Carly

I'm not getting straight A's. Mr Devlin gave me a B on my report, even though he said it was flawless.

Spencer

Why'd you get a B?

Carly

Cause I printed it on "three-hole paper".

Freddie

Mr Devlin's, like, the strictest teacher in school.

Spencer

Yeah, I know. He used to be lunch room monitor. He gave me detention.

Sam

For?

Spencer

Playing with my fruit.

Carly

Listen, it was really cool of you to make this big A for me, but would you mind taking it apart?

Spencer

Carly...

Carly

Seriously, if I'm not gonna get straight A's, then I'd rather not be reminded of... Of what almost was.

Spencer

Aw, who needs a hug?

Carly

Me.

Sam

Hey, how do you turn this lamp on?

Spencer

Rampu!

Freddie

Let me up!

Carly

Not if you're gonna tell on Sam!

Freddie

Then you tell.

Carly

No, I swore to Sam. We have to come up with a way to fix this without telling on Sam.

Freddie

Why would Sam change my grade? And make it better? She hates me.

Freddie

Oh, and uh, just for the record, the only reason you pinned me down like that is 'cause I wasn't ready.

Carly

Are you ready now?

Freddie

Yeah, why? [she pins him to the ground again as he struggles to break free from her] Can we please not tell anyone about this?

We're gonna need to speak to a parent or legal guardian.

Carly

Spencer!

Spencer

[from another room] I am in the bathtub!

Freddie

[to security officers] Are we under arrest?

Carly

[to the security officers] Are you going to take us to juvie?

Freddie

[scared] I don't want to go to juvie!

Carly

They're gonna take us to juvie! [they both start moaning in fear]

Freddie

I would've been here sooner, but, uh, I was helping my mom knit a sweater. Any comment?

Sam

Aw, please let me insult you once for free!

Freddie

Nope! Five bucks an insult!

Sam

Then I think it's very sweet you were helping your mommy knit.

Freddie

Impressive.

Sam

You're just lucky I'm broke.

Freddie

Really, you wanna kiss me?

Sam

Are you kidding me, I'd rather... not do that at this time, but thank you for your kind offer.

Freddie

Well... I know how we could get back at her.

Carly

Huh?

Freddie

You and I should start dating. That way--

Carly

[irritated] FREDDIE!

Freddie

I know!

Freddie

Hello, ladies, or should I say lady and Sam.

Sam

[Carly takes her cheese in a can out of her hand] Hey!

Carly

You can have this back when you learn to use squirt-able cheese responsibly.

Freddie

Hey Spencer, how's the--

Spencer

CARLY, FREDDIE'S HERE! 14,325... [Carly runs down the stairs]

Carly

I'm freaking out, Freddie! Freaking out! [pulls Freddie to the kitchen]

Freddie

Did you talk to Jonah?

Carly

Yeah, and he tried to kiss me! He totally tried to kiss me!

Freddie

No way!

Carly

Yeah!

Freddie

Are you sure Jonah tried to kiss you?

Carly

Well, let's see. He said, "Kiss me," then puckered his lips. So, call me crazy, but I think the boy wanted some Carly-kissing!

Freddie

That jerk! No one tries to kiss my girl! [Carly gives him a look] (Sorry. Let me rephrase that.) No one tries to kiss you!

Freddie

I was watching the egg cam. I can't believe they already hatched. Aw, man, did Sam eat 'em?

Sam

I wouldn't eat baby chicks. Raw.

Carly

They escaped.

Freddie

What?

Sam

Spencer found one in the bathroom downstairs, so the other ones could be anywhere in this whole apartment.

Freddie

Wait. I thought newborn chicks have to stay in their incubator.

Carly

They do.

Sam

How long can they be out?

Carly

I don't know. Let's go online and find out. Hurry.

Freddie

It says that baby chicks need to be kept at 90 degrees.

Carly

What's the temperature in here?

Spencer

72.

Carly

Turn the heat up to 90!

Spencer

90 degrees?

Sam

No, 90 pickles. Yes, 90 degrees!

Spencer

No need to be hurtful.

Freddie

You know, they say when a girl constantly rips on a guy, it really just means she has a crush on him.

Sam

Yeah, but I wasn't ripping on a guy...I was ripping on you.

Sam

First off, Carly said the shirt was no big deal. And the tickets I got were for Cuttlefish, a concert that Carly told me she was dying to go to. It's her favorite band.

Freddie

Let the record show that Carly is fond of Cuttlefish.

Sam

So yeah, I traded the shirt, but it was to get something Carly wanted a lot. Something the two of us could've done together. And Carly refused to go to the concert so--

Carly

I would've gone with you if you'd just apologized.

Sam

Um, she interrupted me. Yank her ponytail.

Freddie

Nah, I'm gonna allow it.

Sam

Why?

Freddie

Because I love her.