Sam Puckett quotes from iCarly

Carly

Are you ready, Nevel?

Nevel

[sarcastically] Yes, my heart is pounding.

Sam

Good, maybe it'll explode.

Nevel

I didn't come here to be insulted.

Carly

(Interrupting Freddie) Wait a minute... why do you have that printed out?

Nevel

Because I like to print things.

Freddie

No... you'd only print that out if you knew you were gonna need it.

Sam

Yeah. How did you know there was gonna be a problem getting you the car?

Nevel

Oh, please. I don't have time to be interviewed.

Nevel

I suspected as much. I figured you iCarlys would try and pull a fast one!

Sam

Who still says "pull a fast one"?

Sam

...I know that look. That's your thinking look.

Spencer

Oh, I'm thinking. You thinking?

Sam

Yeah, I'm thinking we thinking the same thing?

Spencer

We are, if we're thinking about a way to give Nevel a vehicle that's never been state registered and can go 25 miles an hour.

Sam

Oh... no. I was thinking about fried chicken.

Nevel

What, and you think that rolling space turd will get iCarly off the hook?

Carly

Yeah.

Sam

We think it will. (to Carly) Carly, would you say this vehicle is... unique?

Carly

Oh, it is clearly unique. (to Freddie) Freddie, has it ever been state registered?

Freddie

Why, no, Carly, it hasn't.

Carly

You think he hit 25 miles an hour?

Spencer

Oh, yeah.

You can't do that kind of damage to a flower shop unless you doing at least 25. (an ambulance can be heard off screen)

Sam

Where'd you guys get those ice pops?

Spencer

Over there.

Carly

Wow. You made Wade look awesome.

Sam

Good video, Fredison.

Freddie

Thanks. It was hard to find shots of the guy not shouting at me and calling me an [British accent] untalented hobknocker!

Carly

What is a hobknocker? [Sam whispers the meaning of hobknocker into Carly's ear] [disgusted gasp] That's gross!

Sam

And illegal.

Sam

So, David, what was it like hanging it out with Wade Collins?

Oh, you know, he's... okay.

Carly

You don't like him, do you?

Not really, no.

Sam

Let it out, David.

Well, he called me a hobknocker. I don't even know what that means.

[disgusted] Oh, gross!

Sam

And illegal.

Carly

The important thing is we all agree that Wade Collins is horrible.

Sam

But just in case you don't believe me, Carly, or David--

Carly

Please enjoy this little video Freddie put together. Freddie, roll the video.

Freddie

Happy to, Carly.

[in a YouTube Poop-style video] I wanted tuna fish! [knocks the plate of ham sandwich out of Carly's hand, edited to do it three times]

[screen is flashing all different colors] I've got a pimple in my ear.

[Gibby is blow-drying his hair] Too hot-hot-hot!

Gibby

I'm sorry! [Wade takes the hairdryer, aims it at Gibby, and blows it in his face, causing him to run off]

[screen flashes negative] You're a stupid American, Freddie. Stupid American.

[walks by several music video-dressed girls] You're all a bunch of stupid, American, girls! You bunch of hobknockers!

[angrily screaming] I DON'T CARE ABOUT MUSIC! I WANT MONEY! [screen turns green, echoing "MONEY!"]

[rudely screams at a homeless bystander outside] HOB-HOB-HOBKNOCKER!

[eating spaghetti] I have to look beautiful! Jibley!

I hate children, I hate teenagers, I hate animals, AND I HATE AMERICA!

Carly

Isn't he charming?

Freddie

I stopped wearing antibacterial underpants and I'm entitled to my opinion.

Carly

And it's my opinion that we're out of time anyway!

Sam

So 'till the next iCarly...

Carly

Stay in school!

Sam

Recycle!

Carly

Pour milk on your parents.

Sam

Hug a duck.

Carly

Eat a stick of butter.

Sam

And shampoo a squirrel.

Hey, it's me. If you saw the last iCarly, then you heard Freddie Benson say he doesn't like my FЯED videos.

Freddie

[on playback) 'Cause I don't think FЯED is all that funny.

Thank you for crushing my feelings. Now, I'm not gonna post any more FЯED videos. Ever, again. Internet, I click you goodbye. [displays "Goodbye From FЯED"]

Sam

[angrily] You see what you did? You killed FЯED! [hurts Freddie]

Freddie

[screams in pain] I just gave my honest opinion!

Freddie

Oh. I see you girls are fans of FЯED. Heh. [the girls look at each other and push him down] Oh dear. Guys, guys would you- oh. Aah! Yeah, thank you. [FЯED fans pass by and boo and throw stuff at him]

BOO!

Freddie

Oh, come on, guys. It's not my fault! [more FЯED fans pass by and a boy throws a thing at his head] Oh! [shouts angrily] Alright, who threw this at my head?! Who threw this low fat fat cake at my head?! Huh?! [nobody answers] Well, I'm keeping it! Yah! [he walks to his locker and opens it while the Mathletes follow him. He looks at them and they are angry at him.] What's up guys?

We just had an emergency meeting of the Mathletes.

Freddie

Oh. Well, how come I wasn't invited?

Cause you killed FЯED!

Freddie

All I did was give my opinion!

Well, your opinion stinks...

[calms down Shawn] EASY, Shawn. [Shawn does calm down] I'm very sorry to say this, but the mathletes are subtracting you from the team.

Freddie

What?! Come on, I'm our best long divider!

Then you should be able to handle this long division...

Between us and you!

Sam

Hey, Benson. This FЯED thing is getting way out of control!

Carly

Kids keep booing and throwing stuff at us. [Freddie looks at them while on the floor]

Freddie

I didn't trash talk him!

Carly

It's not Freddie's fault, he just gave his opinion.

Freddie

Yeah! And, anyway it's not like...

Sam

(to Freddie) Uh-oh, check it out.

Carly

[angrily] Ugh! Why are they blaming our whole show?! It's all Freddie's fault!

Freddie

Hey!

Carly

Well...

Freddie

Well, it's way worse for me! I've been kicked out of everything except the junior bow and arrow club. [a fiery arrow hits a locker near him, and he takes a letter off of it] I'm out.

Carly

[on playback] No, Freddie was just expressing his opinion!

Do you agree with Freddie's opinion?

Carly

Get out of here! [she slams the door on paparazzi]

Freddie

This whole thing is getting insane.

Sam

Did you check and see if the FЯED guy answered your e-mail?

Carly

I check every 10 minutes! Why won't he write back?!

Freddie

[angry] 'Cause he's a jerk!

Sam

You're the queen of the jerks!

Freddie

Why pick on me?

Sam

Two reasons. Number one, I LOVE it. Number two, this whole fight between iCarly and FЯED is YOUR FAULT!

Freddie

I just said I didn't think his videos were funny! He's the one who overreacted and started this whole brouhaha!

Sam

"Brouhaha"?

Carly

You can't say things like "Brouhaha", and not expect people to hit you. (her phone beeps) FЯED wrote back!

Freddie

[on the phone; angrily] Because, I just don't see what's funny about FЯED. Well, it's not my fault he quit! Hey, you don't have to call me names. Oh, yeah? Well, you're a bigger one!! (angrily hangs up)

Carly

Who was that?

Freddie

My aunt Jennifer.

Sam

Who texted you?

Carly

Gibby. He wants us to check out some website called "neverwatchiCarly.com".

Sam

Well, that can't be good.

Carly

I know it can't be good! Freddie.

Freddie

Already on it. neverwatchiCarly.com.

Carly

[while she, Sam, and Freddie check out neverwatchiCarly.com] Oh, man! Some guy started a whole website just to try to stop people from watching iCarly?

Sam

All 'cause you irritated FЯED! [hurts Freddie who screams in pain]

Carly

Okay, let's not panic. How many people have signed up to support him?

Freddie

[refreshing the website] Um, a few hundred.

Sam

Okay, that's not so many. [Freddie does it again]

Freddie

Wait, I just refreshed the page now it's up to 3,000.

Carly

How many?!

Freddie

Refreshing. [he does it again] Yikes, 18,000.

Sam

Are you sure?!

Freddie

Refreshing! [he does it again] 90--

Carly

[interrupting Freddie] Okay, why don't we stop refreshing?! Ugh! [to Spencer] Uh, what you got there?

Spencer

A smoothie.

Sam

I think she meant the gigantic bird.

Spencer

Oh. This is Marvin, he's an ostrich. I just bought him.

Carly

Your magic meatball told you to?

Spencer

Yes. [doorbell rings] Hey, would you get that? Marvin wants a root beer. We're gonna go in the kitchen.

[paparazzi barges in Carly's door forcing them to talk about what happened on the last iCarly show] Carly! Any comment on the FЯED fight?!

Carly

What?! It's not a fight!

But iCarly killed FЯED! Don't you feel guilty?

Carly

No, Freddie was just expressing his opinion!

Do you agree with his opinion?

Yeah! [to Freddie] Do you also think the FЯED videos are terrible?

Freddie

I never said the FЯED videos are terrible!

Sam, is it true that you've been arrest 4 times?!

Sam

3 times! Get your facts right!

Carly

And get out of here! [as the reporters are talking, the group pushes them out, Freddie shuts the door and Carly puts in the latch]

Spencer

AAAAAH! Marvin bit my pants!

Sam

He's chuckling.

Carly

I see him chuckling; why are you chuckling?!

Lucas

Because you guys are cute.

Freddie

We're cute?

Lucas

Yeah. I was never mad. I love iCarly.

Sam

But, you said that Freddie hurt your feelings.

Carly

And that's why you stopped making your FЯED videos.

Lucas

Come on! I'm not gonna stop making the FЯED videos.

Carly

Okay, I get it. The real problem here is that you're insane!

Lucas

Am I?

Carly

Um, pretty much, yeah.

Freddie

Kind of psycho.

Sam

Yep.

Lucas

See? We made up.

Freddie

We're all good.

Sam

Oh, come on, you guys can do better than that.

Carly

Hug! Hug! Hug! Hug! [Sam chants with her. Freddie and Lucas look at each other and hug. Freddie pats him on the back]