Sam Puckett quotes from iCarly

Sam

Oh, man. I got another of those chain letter e-mails from Gibby.

Carly

Well, you better forward it, or you'll have all kinds of bad luck, just like Freddie did.

Sam

Freddie didn't have any bad luck.

Carly

What are you talking about?

Sam

I did all that stuff.

Carly

What? Wait. His bike falling apart?

Sam

I loosened some bolts.

Carly

His laptop smoking?

Sam

Shorted out the battery.

Carly

The pink shorts?

Sam

One red sock in his washing machine.

Carly

Okay, what about the spider on his face?

Sam

That was just lucky.

Freddie

You squished my trackpad finger!

Carly

That's not something a cool person says.

Freddie

I don't care! [to Sam] So are you gonna pay us back or what?

Sam

I was until I realized how much it'd be.

Carly

How much do you have?

Sam

Let's see. [reaches into pocket] I've got... 14 bucks... a double A battery... some string, a fork, and... I think that's an olive.

Carly

The olive's moving.

Sam

[grabs a fire extinguisher and bangs the table for a while] ... I got it.

Carly

(reading a text message) "Sam did nothing wrong. She didn't do the thing you're mad about. She's not that kind of... girf."

Principal Franklin

Girf?

Sam

Girl!

Carly

Well, you wrote girf!

Spencer

[looking at his ribs in the form of a necklace] You ate my ribs?

Sam

I made the bones into a necklace! [Spencer lifts the bones out of the Styrofoam to see she did just that]

Freddie

Morning, girls. Check me out.

Carly

What?

Freddie

[lifts up shirt] No belt. And look-- [lifts up pants] Open-toed shoes.

Sam

[sarcastically] Wow, you're an animal.

Carly

But I thought your mom always makes you wear a belt, and never lets you wear open-toed shoes.

Freddie

Yeah, but since she's been taking care of Lewbert, I can pretty much do whatever I want. Last night? Slept with my socks on.

Sam

So?

Freddie

Just my socks.

Sam

[crunchy cheese snack pieces fall out of her mouth in shock]

Spencer

Hey. We gotta be at the airport in 45 minutes.

Sam

I better finish packing.

Carly

What are those, snacks?

Sam

Uh-huh.

Carly

"Fat Cakes?"

Sam

These are Low-Fat Fat Cakes.

Spencer

Whoa! That was intense.

Carly

Hey, your collar broke.

Spencer

Oh, yeah! At least now I don't have to worry about…(The collar shocks him in his hand) [screams] [breaks the collar in two]

Freddie

I think Freight Dog threw our luggage out of the plane.

Carly

What makes you think that… [luggages fall down from the plane]

Sam

The Fat Cakes are okay.

Freddie

Hey, did anybody see my red backpack come down? [Fred's backpack hits Marissa Benson] Oh!

Carly

Okay, I think that's everything.

Freddie

[after trying to entertain the baby with a bear costume] I thought I heard you guys out here.

Carly

Freddie? Is that you in there?

Freddie

Yeah, It's me.

Sam

[dryly] Oh, my gosh. The bear ate Freddie. Bad bear! [smacks Freddie in the head with a baseball bat, and Freddie goes down]

Freddie

Ahhh! [Carly helps him up] Never do that again!

Sam

You're not the boss of me. [smacks Freddie again]

Sam

Carly Shay?

Carly

Hi.

Sam

What do you want?

Carly

It's my fault you're in here.

Sam

YOU'RE the one who called the cops?! Dude, I swear to god when I get out of here...

Carly

No, you're in here 'cause I wished for Spencer to be normal.

Sam

Who's Spencer?

Carly

My brother. He made a magnetic tree that...

Sam

Dude, I barely know you.

Carly

You know me a lot. We were best friends 'till I made that stupid wish.

Sam

We were never friends. Just 'cause we used to go to the same school, that doesn't make you...

Carly

Okay. If we're not best friends, then, how would I know that you've slept with two different colored socks on your feet since you were little 'cause you think it's good luck? And how would I know that you're right-handed, but you punch harder with your left? And how would I know that your mom's foot has a tattoo on it?

Sam

A tattoo of what?

Carly

A foot.

Sam

How do you know my mom has a tattoo of a foot on her foot? How do you know all that stuff?

Carly

I told you, we're best friends.

Sam

What's my favorite color?

Carly

Brown.

Sam

Why?

Carly

It's the color of gravy.

Sam

What's my favorite junk food?

Carly

Fat cakes.

Sam

What's my favorite book?

Carly

Boogie Bear III: The Return of Boogie Bear.

Sam

What do I hate most?

Carly

People.

Sam

What do I wanna be when I grow up?

Carly

An invisible ninja.

Sam

...Wow...

Carly

You handcuffed her to Gibby?!

Freddie

She put a dead fish in my locker!

Sam

Gibby's WAY worse than a dead fish!

Gibby

My mom thinks I'm awesome!

Sam

[after Freddie shows himself to the audience] That was Freddie, who, last week, handcuffed me to a nerd. So now guess what?... [pause] Freddie's never kissed a girl. Never. Not once. I heard him say so myself and Carly's a witness. Okay, Later. [walks away]

Carly

[running after Sam] Sam! SAM! YOU JUST RUINED FREDDIE'S LIFE! [Freddie drops the camera he is holding.]

Sam

Hey, sorry I'm late!

Carly

[filling the bowl with meatballs without looking up] You're always late.

Sam

So? It's cool. The show doesn't start for 3 more minutes. Where's Fred-weird?

Carly

Freddie's not coming.

Sam

What? Okay, he stayed home from school all week, he missed two iCarly rehearsals, and now he's gonna miss the show? That's so unprofessional. [takes a bite out of a meatball and puts it back]

Carly

You really hurt him. Every time he leaves the house, he gets teased cause you told the whole world he's never kissed anyone. You know he won't even talk to his mom? He just sits on the fire escape, alone, 'cause he's too embarrassed to see anyone. [walks over to Freddie's tech cart] You, like, ruined his whole life, and you don't even care.

Sam

Alright. I'll go apologize.

Carly

It doesn't even matter if you apologize. Kids are still gonna give him a hard time, 'cause you can't take back what you said.

Sam

Look, I didn't m--

Carly

[interrupts Sam] You went too far this time! And you can't fix it. [phone beeps] We gotta start the show.

Sam

[depressed] Well how can I do the show now that you made me feel all depressed?

Carly

I dunno just get in front of the camera and do it. In 5-4-3-2--

Carly

And now, what you've all been waiting for...

Sam

Carly and I are about to have our very first...

MEATBALL WAR!

Sam

We got our slingshots.

Carly

And a hundred meatballs!

Sam

But, um... before we start our meatball war... I wanna say something. [stops music] On the last iCarly... I told you guys that Freddie never kissed anyone. And that was really personal, and I shouldn't have said it on the show. And for all you people out there who've been teasing Freddie about it, lay off, because I bet a whole lot of you haven't kissed anyone either; Including me. Yeah. That's right, I've never kissed anyone. So if you want to tease someone about it, tease me...which is a bad idea unless you live near a hospital!

Carly

Um, our meatball war will be happening soon, but for now, please enjoy this photo of a man with shrimp up his nose.

Freddie

[makes short laughing type noise]

Sam

What?

Freddie

Nothing it's--

Sam

Tell me!

Freddie

Nah, it's dumb.

Sam

Say it!

Freddie

Okay. I was gonna say...

Sam

That we should kiss?

Freddie

[looking down in embarrassment] You're going to break my arm now, right?

Sam

[shakes head] No.

Freddie

Well...should we? Just so both of us can get it over with?

Sam

Hm. Just to get it over with.

Freddie

Just to get it over with.

Sam

And you swear we both go right back to hating each other as soon as it's over with.

Freddie

Oh, totally, and we never tell anyone.

Sam

Never. [pause] Well, lean.

Freddie

Well, that was..

Sam

Nice.

Freddie

Yeah, nice, uh.

Sam

Good work.

Freddie

Thank you. You, too.

Freddie

Hey. [Sam turns back around. Freddie smiles] I hate you.

Sam

[Makes short laugh noise. Smiles] Hate you, too. [Leaves]