Sam Puckett quotes from iCarly

Yup, we've gone out every night this week. I'd say we're almost officially boyfriend and girlfriend.

Sam

So, which one are you?

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Sam

Come here, Freddie!

Leave me alone, Sam! Sam? What are you gonna--? [Sam pushes Freddie out of the room. He crawls to the other room, while Carly and Sam follow him. He gets up] That was assault!

Why are you quitting iCarly?

Sam

Yeah, why?

Well, 'cause-- 'Cause maybe I don't like the way Sam treats me!

Oh, come on.

Yeah, she's always putting me down, and calling me mean names, and every time I get an ice cream cone, she takes it and she licks it! She just licks it all over the place, just to bug me!

Great. Now what's the real reason?

Okay. Valerie wants to do a web show, and she asked me to be her tech producer.

Sam

So you're just gonna ditch iCarly for another web show?

That's competing against us?

Valerie's my girlfriend. What am I supposed to do?

Sam

[bluntly] Dump the chick! How about that?

You know, you guys were the ones who talked me into going out with her in the first place, and now I'm the bad guy?

Sam

Look, Freddie, you better just--

Stop. He's right. He should help his girlfriend.

Thanks. And I wasn't gonna leave you guys with no help. I got you guys a new tech producer. If you want him.

Sam

Who?

He's really good with the tech stuff.

Sam

Who?

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Freddie, what do you think went wrong?

I'm not sure, but I'd bet my whole month's allowance that all of my equipment was working perfectly!

Ooh, you'd bet a whole $8?

Sam

Your mom only gives you $8 a month?

She's afraid that if she gives me more, I'll buy a bus ticket and leave her.

That's so dumb!

Yeah, not really.

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Sam

I can't believe Mr. Cline gave me a D on that test. How'd I get a D?

You only answered half the questions, then told Mr. Cline the test was stupid, then burped, then left.

Sam

And that's not worth a D+?

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Sam

Wow, Freddie, I like seeing you all feisty.

That's the Freddie way.

I thought the Freddie way was a toasted bagel with grape jelly.

That's the Freddie Breakfast Way.

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[Nevel's grandma walks in and sees Freddie dangling from the ceiling]

NSNevel's Grandma

Ooh, spider!

[She leaves and gets an umbrella]

Mayday! Mayday! Mayday! We have a situation.

What's wrong?

I think Nevel's grandmother just walked in.

Sam

Don't worry, Nevel said she's hopelessly confused.

Okay, we've got the cable hooked up. Now what?

Okay. There's a file on my desktop called VL2.exe. Drag that onto his hard drive.

Okay.

After you do that, just unhook-- [Nevel's grandma walks back in with an umbrella] Hi, there.

NSNevel's Grandma

SPIDER!!

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NSNevel's Grandma

Who are you?

We're your... personal trainers.

Sam

Come on. Let's do some squat thrusts.

Squat and thrust.

CSCarly and Sam

Ready? Just squat and thrust. One... Two... Three..

[Sam continues to instruct Nevel's Grandma while Carly helps Freddie down]

Sam, let's go.

[Carly, Sam, and Freddie leave while Nevel's Grandma continues to squat thrust while fake-counting]

NSNevel's Grandma

Three. W. Mustard.

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Well, better tell Spencer to cancel the Plain White T's.

Sam

Oh, man, this bites.

Well, we can't do iCarly as long as Nevel controls our site.

[turns his telecast back on hearing their conversation; tauntingly] So true.

[angrily] Get off my monitor! [angrily walks to the computer, unplugs it, and picks up a phone]

Who are you calling?

You'll see.

Sam

You ordering pizza?

[annoyed] No! [Sam sits on the couch]

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And now, on iCarly, I will sing a song all about my web cast. [singing in a tone similar to "Old MacDonald Had a Farm"] ♪ I have a web show that I do, it is really bad! ♪

Sam

How can this not be infuriating you?!

Just keep watching.

♪ And boring too, it makes people sad! With a boring here and-- ♪ [noticing that military soldiers are in his house] What are you people doing here? I demand a--

CMColonel Morgan

QUIET!

Yes, sir.

Who's that?

A friend of my dad's.

Sam

[deeply surprised] You called in the military?

[smugly] I don't play around.

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You gave me a B?! But I thought you said it was the best in the class!

DMr. Devlin

It was. But, it was printed on 3-hole paper, which I despise.

Then just let me re-print it for you, on paper that is completely hole-free!

DMr. Devlin

Reports can only be submitted once. Silly little truffle.

But this means I'll get a B-plus for the semester!

DMr. Devlin

Yes. Congratulations.

[angrily] I'd like to punch three holes in him, that's what I'd like to do.

Sam

[walking back to Carly's apartment] Tell you what. on the next iCarly, we tell everyone to go egg Mr. Devlin's house. (Realistically, he'd get angry and he'll hate it.)

Nah, he'd probably like it, 'cause eggs don't have three holes!

I told you not to take his class.

Yes, thank you, Freddie.

Well, if it isn't my straight-A little sister, Carl-ay.

Don't call me "Carl-ay" 'cause I...

To celebrate your straight A's, I'm making you a giant "A" made out of a bunch of smaller A's that I found.

Spencer... -

Your "A" is gonna be huge! And when it's all done... -

I'm not getting straight A's. Mr Devlin gave me a B on my report, even though he said it was flawless.

Why'd you get a B?

Cause I printed it on "three-hole paper".

Mr Devlin's, like, the strictest teacher in school.

Yeah, I know. He used to be lunch room monitor. He gave me detention.

Sam

For?

Playing with my fruit.

Listen, it was really cool of you to make this big A for me, but would you mind taking it apart?

Carly...

Seriously, if I'm not gonna get straight A's, then I'd rather not be reminded of... Of what almost was.

Aw, who needs a hug?

Me.

Sam

Hey, how do you turn this lamp on?

Rampu!

[Carly jumps]

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Hello, Sam.

Sam

Mornin', Ted.

[sternly] Sam?

Sam

[sarcastically] Good morning, Principal Franklin!

[smiles; not understanding Sam's sarcasm] Thank you. Now, what trouble have you gotten in over the past week?

Sam

Let's see. I got yelled at by Ms Briggs for getting an "F" on a quiz.

Why did you fail the quiz?

Sam

I didn't know the answers.

Right. Anything else?

Sam

Ooh! I got kicked out of the cafeteria for slapping Gibby with a piece of pizza.

Why did you slap Gibby with a piece of pizza?

Sam

I found it on the floor; I wasn't gonna eat it.

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Sam, just sit quietly and try not to break anything.

Sam

No promises.

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[picks up show idea card] "Carly and Sam roll Freddie in bread crumbs and bake him at 350 degrees"?

[Freddie looks at Sam in shock]

Sam

Just until he's golden brown!

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Sam

Hey, can I sleep over tonight?

You don't want to go home?

Sam

Nah... When my mom buys a new bikini, she usually likes to wear it around the house for a few days to "break it in." If you're my friend, you won't make me look at that.

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I would've been here sooner, but, uh, I was helping my mom knit a sweater. Any comment?

Sam

Aw, please let me insult you once for free!

Nope! Five bucks an insult!

Sam

Then I think it's very sweet you were helping your mommy knit.