[First lines of the very first iCarly show]
Hey there, people of Earth! I'm Carly Shay, and this is our very first webcast of a little show we call iCarly!
SamShe's Carly!
Sam
Sam I am!
Sam
I think they're clear.
Sam
Oh, yeah. [presents her signature remote] With this item provided by our dorky friend Freddie...
Sam
We can do this... [plays applause noises] And this... [plays groaning noises] And this. [plays rock music as she and Carly dance around]
[At beginning of episode]
Which is why I say the potato is superior to the sports bra.
Sam
And if you don't believe us, try making French fries out of a sports bra!
Soggy banner. Our plans to get more viewers didn't go too well.
Sam
Yeah, like how the Titanic staying afloat didn't go too well.
Come on, maybe a few people read our sign... Before the rain ruined all our hard work and made us sad.
Sam
Yeah. We could still win.
Yeah, I don't think so. I think me and Spencer are gonna win, and you two are gonna have to touch Lewbert's wart. I feel bad for you, Carly. Not for you.
Well done, Spencer. You, too, Freddie.
Thank you, Carly. In your face, Sam.
[Sam stares at Freddie]
Carly, Sam, Freddie. You cannot believe how awesome this sign looks from out here. It is so dazzlingly bright, I swear it's like-- [car crashes]
What's going on out there, Spencer?
Well, it seems our sign is so bright and dazzling, it distracted one of the drivers below. [car crashes] Actually, two of the drivers-- [another car crashes] Three of the dr-- [many cars crash] Literally, many of the drivers below are being distracted by our extremely dazzling sign.
CSCarly and Sam
Turn it off!
Oh, okay. I will now turn off the sign. [pushes button, but the sign starts flickering instead of turning off]
Sam
Dude!
Oh, man, I am pressing the buttons! Literally, all of them, trying to turn off the sign.
You're gonna overload the circuits!
[sign malfunctions and goes from saying "PLEASE GO ONLINE TO iCARLY.COM" to saying "P█E██E ██ ON████ ██ █CARL█████"]
Sam
"Pee on Carl"?
[Freddie is disgusted]
I am trying! It's the stupid cars! [hear car tires screeching] Don't look at the sign! Stop beholding the si-- [hears a crunch] I stepped on my taco!
Sam
Tell me everything!
He said we should hang out some time! [Girlish screams; teacher walks by and she speaks in a fake tone] Actually, I feel that teachers should give us more homework.
Sam
Yes. More homework and more discipline.
Yes, discipline is a priority in...
[Carly and Sam watch teacher leave; they scream loud, girlish screams again]
[Carly, Sam, and Freddie are cleaning out Carly's locker]
Sam
Oooh can I have this? (iPod)
Sam
But don't you want something for me to remember you by? Like 500 of your favorite songs?
Sam
I'm just trying to cheer you up.
You can't cheer me up. I'm moving to Yakima. I'm gonna be a Yakimite. Or Yakimanitian.
Sam
[To Freddie] You're yakimannoying.
And what did he mean, "You'd rue the day"?
Sam
Yeah, what does rue mean?
I got it, right here. "Roux: A mixture of fats and flour used to make sauces and soups."
Sam
[perplexed] Nevel called you a fat flour?
Try spelling it differently.
Okay, here. "Rue: To regret. To wish that something had never been done."
Sam
Uh-oh.
You know what this means.
Of course. He's gonna make me regret shoving tapenade in his face by trashing iCarly on his stupid website.
[shrugs in despair] We're dead.
[touches her cheek] I'm gonna go scrub his creepy lip residue off my cheek.
Hey, why isn't it cold in here? Toasty the Baker. GOOD GOD! [runs to his sculpture along with Sam and Freddie and screams] TOASTY!
Sam
[about Spencer's melted butter sculpture] Gross, it's like a giant baby threw up.
Sam
I told you not to turn the heat up!
Sam
It's too late for apologies.
It's OK. It's OK. I just need a mop and a bucket and 20 more pounds of butter!
Mrs. Benson. Freddie, your mom's here.
I came over because I heard screaming. Freddie, are you all right?
He's fine. But I really got to
Do you know he's allergic to fruit?
Sam
[sarcastically, to Freddie] Aw, who's got a fruit problem?
Not me. I am not allergic to fruit!
Well, what if you were? He'd probably give you an orange and then your face would puff up.
Sam
I would love that.
Look, I gave him no fruit. Now, please, I'm out of butter--
False! I saw you come home yesterday carrying grocery bags filled with butter.
No, I just happened to be glancing through my peephole.
That butter's gone and so am I.
What have you done with all that butter? Freddie, I want you to take a bubble bath tonight. Spencer!
I didn't give him any fruit!
Sam
Cool mom.
[Sam enters the building listening to music]
Ohh, great! She's gonna see my costume and insult me nineteen different ways.
[Sam walks up and sees Freddie in his witch costume. She takes the earphones out of her ears and looks up and down at Freddie's costume. Freddie looks at Sam as if saying "Well?" However, she shakes her head.]
Sam
Too easy.
Well, we're sorry we went in here without permission. But when we saw this furniture…
Sam
We thought it was too old and gross for anyone to actually use.
Okay, wait. Something still doesn't make sense. Why did Lewbert tell us that no one lived here?
LLewbert
Cause I'm a jerk! Ha, ha, ha, I got you kids good! Score one for Lewbert! Happy Hannukah!
[Lewbert splutters incoherently]
[Spencer walks in Apartment 8-C, drenched with pumpkin guts from the pumpkin]
Sam
And this is Carly's brother, Spencer.
Any words for our viewers before we sign off?
[Spencer walks toward the camera]
[to camera] Never forget to buy candy on Halloween.
Now, I'm going to show you the latest piece of equipment that's going to blow you guys away.
Sam
You buy yourself a robot girlfriend?
I don't need a robot girlfriend. Because in 20 years, I guarantee you, I will be Carly's second husband.
What happened to my first husband?
It's a teeny video camera disguised as a piece of pie! [takes out a giant plastic piece of pie with a very conspicuous camera lens on it. Carly and Sam laugh]
Sam
Yeah, who wouldn't that fool?
Yeah. Like a real piece of pie with a camera lens on the side!
Sam
Look, it comes with a giant fork! [holds up the fork]
Give it! [snatches fork back] This is a quality piece of spy equipment!
Sam
My Aunt Maggie's boobs look more real than that. And they're ridiculous.
iCarly · 611 quotes
