TV show quotes
[Marshall is livid that Amanda wrote Lily's age and name wrong in her birthday cake]
42nd? Does this [gestures to Lily] hot piece of ass look 42 to you? Or does she look like her name is Lori?
No Marshall, it's okay.
No Lily it's not okay! Ted, get this stranger out of my house.
I'm so sorry..
OUT!! [points thumb at door]
[Barney defines lie]
A lie is just a great story that someone ruined with the truth.
[knock at the door]
Oh, that's the pizza. Baby, do you have any cash?
Oh, you know I, uh, actually I don't, uh, think that I should...have to pay. 'Cause I'm...not a fan of pizza.
[Stunned gasps]
What?!?
Marshall, we've driven halfway across the country for a piece of pizza literally hundreds of times.
I once caught you eating pizza in the shower!
Marshall, there's a cartoon of you on our coupons.
I'm not saying Marshall's a guy who likes pizza, but last time he went in for a physical, doctor says 'Marshall you've gotta stop eating pizza.' Marshall says 'Why?' Doc says 'So I can examine you!' But seriously, we kid because we love.
All right, look, the reason that I don't have any money on me is because...I got mugged. [long pause] Can somebody please pay Arthur, all right? I'm starving!! [to Arthur, kindly] How's your dad by the way?
Better.
Good!
[Ted's mother and her boyfriend, Clint, visits the apartment, but Clint couldn't stop praising Virginia]
Ted, your mother is a very, very erotic woman.
Please don't.
[Ted chances upon Marshall grilling sausages in the decrepit house he just bought]
How'd you know I was going to be up here?
Robin told me. [gives Ted a beer] Happy housewarming.
But the last time I saw you, I told you I was selling the place.
I know what you said, but [walks with Ted to steps of patio] I also know my friend, Ted Mosby. [they sit] Of all the times I told you, "slow down, don't go too fast into things with this girl," you never even listened to me a single damned time. Your heart is both drunk and a kid.
Thanks for sticking out to me, man.
That's what I'd do.
Can I show you some of the ideas that I have?
Yeah. [they stand up and head back to house, where Ted begins to explain everything]
And kids, Marshall was right. I didn't give up on my dream house, because that's the thing about stupid decisions - we all make them, but time is funny and sometimes a little magical. It can take a stupid decision, and turn it into something else entirely. Because kids, as you know, that house...(the holes in the wall are fixed and bits and pieces of furniture appear, ending with the Son and Daughter sitting on a couch)...is this house.
Robin Stinson.
Robin Mosby.
Robin Stinson.
Ted Scherbatsky! I'll take her name, I don't care!
Okay wait. How about this we share her. I'll take her until she's forty and you can have her after that
Who are we kidding. She's with Don now. We just have to accept that and move on
You're right. I'm gonna go to the bathroom and then skid out.
It's robots versus wrestlers!
Young man, that gong is a 500-year-old relic that hasn't been struck since W. S. Gilbert hit it at the London premiere of The Mikado in 1885!
His wife's a 500-year-old relic that hasn't been struck since W. S. Gilbert hit it at the London premiere of The Mikado in 1885!
[At the Wedding Bride's wedding scene, a kid kicks Jed Mosely]
Take that, Ted Mosby!
Okay, he definitely said it that time.
[Ted is declaring himself to Royce in a movie theater, Barney is in the audience]
Aww go on honey - kiss him! [audience gasps, Ted stares at him]
Ummm, Uncle Barney didn't say kiss.
[chanting] Kiss him! Kiss him! Kiss him!
Still not saying 'kiss'.
Sir, you need to leave. Now!!
This is outrageous! Who the kiss are you?
[Marshall and Lily imagine what if they told the gang about their plans for a baby]
[opens door] You guys bangin'?
Whaaaaaa!
Just for the record, having a baby? Huge mistake. Now show me what you've got.
[enters with balloons] Uncle Teddy's here. [Marshall and Lily scream] Quick question. How are you guys going to handle the whole Santa thing? I'm thinking just be honest. Aw, Hell. I'll dress up. [TV turns on, showing Robin. Marshall and Lily scream again]
This just in... is what Marshall Eriksen is about to say to his wife as he attempts to impregnate her. Chopper 12 is live on the scene with Baby Watch 2010. [Gang sees live footage of helicopter just outside the room's window]
[Robin is stunned that Don accepted a lead anchor job in Chicago - which she turned down earlier]
Put yourself in my shoes. Can you imagine what it's like to have the phone ring and it's your dream job on the other end?
[teary-eyed] Yes... I can. Good luck in Chicago, Don. [leaves Don's apartment]
[Barney has just called dibs on a hot girl Ted asked him to make a short glance at. Ted is not amused]
You can't call dibs on a girl that I've been sitting here thinking about eventually talking to at some point!
You never called dibs.
Dibs were implied!
"Implied" dibs?
Yeah.
Ted, you are spitting on the grave of Sir Walter Dibs, inventor of the dib. It was 1652, the SS Dibs was lost at sea-
I don't have time for a fake history lesson, so I'll keep [points pen at Barney] this simple: You go over there and talk to that girl, I'll see you in court.
Who's gonna represent you? Dibs-on-Marshall's-my-lawyer!
[Lily's caught by surprise at learning that Marshall's parents will live with them in the baby's first three months]
You know what, Marshall, why don't you have a baby with your Dad?
Oh okay, Lily. Why don't you have a baby with your butt?
What?
AAARGH! [stands up] I can't think straight! Why do you have to wear that shirt? [referring to Lily's shirt showing much cleavage] This is NOT HOW I THOUGHT THIS NIGHT WAS GOING TO GO!
It's a sad day in New York, Ted, a sad day indeed. You know what I saw on my way in here? A girl in a sweater. And you know what that means: the season of exposed skin is over, exactly! Gone are the tank-tops, Ted. Gone are the cute little skirts. Gone are the sundresses - the sundresses, Ted! I don't think I can make it another eight months with no sundresses.
Barney, I really - I have to grade these papers.
I'm sorry, I'll let you work... But first, a riddle. What piece of women's attire, most stokes a man's desire?
A sundress.
Correct! What lightweight outfit, pink or white, makes the front of my slacks abnormally tight?
I really have to get this done.
Of course, of course. [pause] Sundress, by the way.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's How I Met Your Mother pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
