[Ted is trying to end the class early so he could scramble back to MacLaren's for Maggie]
One very important thing to keep in mind when designing a bridge...[absentmindedly writes MAGGIE on the blackboard]
Oh no, I mean, yes, when designing a bridge, always remember [points to writing] Make Adjustments, Go Get It Energized. Good advice for life too.
BBetty
[raises hand] So Professor Mosby, is this Maggie someone special?
No...she's this girl I've been into for a really long time so well, tonight could be the one chance I have to go out with her. [students raise hands and Ted chooses one]
Yes Jamie she's very attractive, we can just end this class right now and [Betty raises hand] Betty?
BBetty
Maggie may finally be available, but what about you Professor Mosby, are you ready for a serious relationship?
Totally...I mean I think so, maybe, I don't know, what do you guys think? [students raise hands]
I am not a smoker. I only smoke in certain situations: post-coital, when I'm with Germans -- sometimes those two overlap -- coital, birthdays, to annoy my mom, pre-coital, on a sailboat, the day The Mets are mathematically eliminated every year, and, of course -- wait for it, 'cause Lord knows I have -- pregnancy scares.
Why are you smoking right now?
I'm always pre-coital, Ted.
[Ted just got a pretty girl away from being invited to a drinking party by three frat guys]
CCindy
I swear, every week, I get invited by some frat guy to a kegger, and I say, "I'm a PhD candidate, and I'm writing a dissertation titled Foreign Direct Investment and Inter-generational Linkages in Consumption Behavior."
And what does frat guys say to that?
CCindy
[drawls] 'That's hot.'
[laughs] ...Actually, that is kinda hot.
CCindy
Ted, I have a confession - I recognize you. Do you remember your first class last semester? Econ 305.
FTFuture Ted
Kids, you remember the wrong classroom story. I thought it was Architecture 101, but it was Econ 305. Of course, I didn't know that your mother was in that class...and she thought I was a complete idiot.
CCindy
I thought you were a complete idiot - but a very cute idiot.
So um, do you ever date cute idiots?
CCindy
Almost exclusively.
[Barney tries to hit on MacLaren's female bartender, Karina, as he sees her warmly receive other guys]
KKarina
[curtly] What do you want?
Drop the act, baby doll, daddy needs a- [realizes what she just said] Wait, whaaat?
KKarina
Are you gonna order a drink, or are you just gonna stand there looking stupid?
KKarina
I don't know how to make an 'Um'. Is that equal parts vodka and get the hell out of my face? [cheerfully, at another guy] Hey, Bobby! What do you want?
[Jenkins tries to apologize to Marshall at the GNB board room]
JJenkins
There you are. I'm so sorry I kissed you yesterday.
JJenkins
And I'm sorry I had sex with you in the mailroom.
JJenkins
Oh, good grief, that's two awkward conversations I have to have today.
[Jenkins has just apologized to Lily at MacLaren's for kissing Marshall. Lily is gradually taking off her scarf and earrings.]
JJenkins
For what it's worth, I'm sorry. Please forgive me. [takes Lily's sudden punch and lies crumpled on the floor]
Kiss my husband? MY HUSBAND?!?! Nobody kisses my future baby daddy but me!!! [proceeds to pummel Jenkins while Marshall tries to get closer]
[trying to take picture of fight] Marshall, you're blocking the shot!
[Barney imagines being interviewed by Jim Nantz]
JNJim Nantz
Hello friends, every sport has had an icon who transcends the game. Boxing had Ali, basketball had Jordan, and the sport of sleeping with random hotties has my next guest, Mr. Barney Stinson. Barney, welcome.
[shakes hands] Thanks Jim, great to be back on the show.
JJim
Good to have you with us, and you know the stats that really speak for themselves - over 200 women, spanning six continents, 17 nationalities, 74 sexual positions, and not a single fatty. It's impressive. With all of these accomplishments though, there's one laurel that has eluded you...which brings us to last week. What's the story there?
Buckle up, Jimbo, this one's a doozie.
[Wendy the Waitress calls a take out order]
WWWendy The Waitress
Take out order for Cook Pu. We have a Number Two over here for Cook Pu.
[stunned, to gang] You guys got Wendy saying it now? Come on, like, I get it, Cook Pu is a stupid name and it gets stupider and stupider the more you say it. Cook Pu Cook Pu Cook Pu!
CPCook Pu
[embarassed] Here. [Ted looks at her as Wendy gives her her order]
[The gang teases Robin over Don]
[angry] No, I hate Don. I-I-I can't stop thinking about how much I hate him. It's like all the time. I just want to attack him and rip his stupid clothes off, and start spanking him with his little paddle until his bum's all red. Shut up! [walks to bar]
[Ted has just asked Marshall and Lily to set him up with a potential wife]
You want us to arrange your marriage?
Absolutely! Look, there are two sides to dating - picking and getting picked. Getting picked I'm good at. Ladies love Teddy Westside.
You're waiting for me to comment on your 'self-assigned nickname.' [Pause] Well here's my comment: I LOVE IT!
Teddy Westside? Continue!
It's the picking I suck at, I pick the wrong girls! But you guys are the best pickers I know. You picked each other!
[Barney visits Robin at the shooting range after Lily reveals to him Robin's post-breakup depression]
[sees Barney and takes off earplugs, still sad] What's up? Thought you were going on some big date.
Robin, I know you're upset.
What? No, I have I've never been happier, and this Anita sounds lovely. I'm so glad that the two of you just randomly happened to find each other. [angry tone] It just warms my frickin' heart! [returns to pistol and fires again without earplugs, deafening Barney. Robin throws away pistol when she's out of rounds and catches breath]
Of course, I'm upset, Barney. Don't you see how constantly talking about your conquests makes me feel like I'm just another number to you?
But you're not just another number to me.
And now, you're taking Anita, who you barely know, on this amazing date, when I never got treated that way. It just, it just sucks, that's all, it just sucks. [pause]
Wow, I knew I was bad at being a boyfriend, but I had no idea I'd be so much worse at being an ex-boyfriend. I'm sorry. What can I do to make it up to you?
Nothing, Barney. You've already proven I'm not important.
Stop that, I'm serious. Ask me for anything.
Ok, don't sleep with Anita.
Barney, of course you're going to sleep with her. Why else would you be taking her on this superdate?
She's not going on this superdate, Robin. You are.
[Barney brags about his usual picture pose]
I always look drop dead, stone-cold amazing...unlike Marshall, who just looks dead, stoned, and cold.
