[Ted has decided not to take GNB's offer to design the headquarters again]
LilyBut designing a building in New York City is your lifelong dream.
I do not want to work for GNB again. Those guys are evil. No offense, Marshall.
Dude, None taken. Yes, GNB is the Empire from Star Wars, but the Death Star is gonna get built either way, and don't you think the architect of the Death Star is pretty psyched to have that thing on his space resume. I mean, yes, his design was flawed in the sense that he let a single bullet fire into a particular vent that would explode the whole thing...
For all we know, that was the contractor's fault.
... But that won't happen on your watch, 'cause you're Ted Mosby, and you're gonna design the most beautiful, ventless, Rebel-proof building in Manhattan...with clearly-marked emergency stops for every trash compactor on the detention level.
[The gang debates about what the essence of being New Yorkers really is]
I'd say you're not a real New Yorker until you've stolen a cab from someone who needs it more than you do.
Lily
No, you're not a New Yorker until you've cried on the subway and not given a damn what anyone thinks
No, you're not a real New Yorker until you've killed a cockroach with your bare hand.
FTFuture Ted
And Robin would do all three of these before the day was out.
[Ted consults Lily about what to do with his students after they walk out, thanks to Zoey. Lily described what she did to Johnny Marley]
Lily. You're a psychopath.
Lily
Little bit. [to student who gave her a panda drawing] Ah, a panda!
FTFuture Ted
I thought about Lily's advice, and I figured, fear was worth a try. [Ted walks to picket line]
Well, Professor Mosby, is there anything you want to say to us?
[to students] Anyone not in class tomorrow gets an F. [students are shocked]
[at MacLaren's]
Lily
You said that?
FTFuture Ted
Well, technically they'd get an "Incomplete," but I thought "F" had a nice, scary ring to it.
[Lily sees a College Marshall exhibit and she asks College Marshall to return to her]
CMCollege Marshall
You can't have me. Look at the sign. [Lily sees EXTINCT tag at exhibit signage] I'm extinct. I've gone the way of Jane's Addiction.
Lily
Actually, Jane's Addiction got back together.
CMCollege Marshall
They did?!
Lily
Yeah, they've done a few tours, they've put out a new album.
CMCollege Marshall
Are you serious? That is awesome! Are they just as good?
Lily
[pause] Sure.
[At Ted's apartment, Robin has had enough of Lily's baby talk and lets everything out when Lily utters one word too many]
Oh my God, you're not even pregnant yet!
Lily
What does that supposed to mean?
It means that a fertilized egg has not yet attached itself to the lining of your uterine wall. You see? I read your Facebook updates. It's like, it's all you ever talk about Lily, and I'm sick of it!
Lily
Well guess what, I got some good news. When that baby comes, you don't have to see it. In fact, you don't have to see me, this whole friendship thing? Done.
Lily, do you have any idea how many people I blindly hated for you?! I hated Renée Zellweger with a burning passion for eight years only to discover you meant Reese Witherspoon!
Lily
Hey! I will hate her until I will get my money back for You, Me and Dupree!
Lily
Oh yeah...That's who I hate. [to the others] Guys, we hate Kate Hudson.
Hey guys, Zoey just told me about this great Frank Lloyd Wright retrospective, who's in?
Lily
Sorry, I'm ummmm...I don't know, washing my hair.
I'll be home trying to get over the fact that no one invited me to the big hair washing party.
[Lily tries to talk to Marshall about him not being fertile]
Lily
Okay, now you're being ridiculous. An hour ago, you didn't even think there was a problem.
I was just putting on a brave face. Think about it - we've had unprotected sex 203 times in the past four months. [high-fives Lily] Obviously, I'm the problem.
Problem? You can't get a girl pregnant -- that's the dream! I'd give my first-born to not be able to have children.
[Marshall is incensed because his father's last message to him appears to be a pocket dial.]
You guys don't get it, okay? None of you do. My dad was my hero. And he was my teacher...and he was my best friend. He always came through for me...and now he's just gone. And what am I left with? [holds up his phone with scratchy electronic sounds; looks to sky] Thanks a lot, God. Thank You! You took my father...the greatest man that I have ever known, and You whipped him off this Earth way too young! [to Lily] And he'll never get to meet our kids, Lily. But we got this voicemail. [to the sky] Thank You so much for the voicemail. It's a great comfort! 'Cause whenever I'm starting to feel lonely, or sad or, you know what, maybe a little bit cheated, at least I have the sound of his pocket to console me.
Lily
Marshall...
How is this fair? An entire human life, and it just ends for no reason, and what are we left with? [phone cracks in]
MEMarvin Eriksen
Marshall? Looks like I've been calling you for almost five minutes. How's my pocket sound? [laughs] Oh, sorry about that, buddy. Anyway, your mom and I had such a great time seeing you. I love you. [hangs up]
[Lily has had enough of Marshall being cooped up in the Eriksen house since the funeral, and Ted's presence does not help.]
Lily
Marshall, I'm going home.
[pauses from game session with Ted, comes to Lily] What?
Lily
I'm flying out tonight before the big storm, and I want you to come with me.
I can't right now, 'cause my mom needs me.
Lily
Well, I guess it's been helpful for her for you to be here playing Super Mario Kart for 14 hours a day...
[surprised] You have Super Mario Kart!?
Hell, yeah. [points to cartridge. Ted gets it and loads into the SNES]
Lily
...but your mom doesn't need you. Your life in New York needs you, it needs you really bad.
Lily
[kisses Marshall and leaves] Please come home soon.
[Ted, Marshall and Lily alert Robin that Scooby's missing from the apartment]
Robin! Hey, remember Scooby? Well, he got out.
Got out? What do you mean?
He just walked right out of the apartment. Someone must've left the door open.
Lily
Me neither. [gasps] He must have figured out how to open it himself!
He's so smart, we should get him on Letterman doing tricks!
I know Paul Schaefer's sandwich guy. This can happen.
[At JFK Airport, Ted and Lily have just picked up a professor for Marshall's fundraiser. Ted suddenly sees Lily about to enter the terminal with some luggage]
Wait what do you mean you're going to Spain?
Lily
You were right. If I hear myself say "Baby, you have my full support" one more time, I swear, I'm gonna murder someone! [Nearby DHS agents look at her]
[sees the agents looking in their direction] When are you going to tell Marshall, and when are you coming back?
Lily
I honestly haven't thought it all the way through and don't intend to. All I know is, I'm a ticking timebomb [agents look their way again] and if I don't do something for me right away, I swear I'm gonna explode!
[looking at agents] Wow, that's a very evocative metaphor to use for your non-threatening, totally patriotic emotions. [sees agents walk away, one of whom is making a radio call] U-S- OK, I get it. Marshall's been asking a lot lately, but the thing to do is to say you've had enough.
Lily
I've never been good at that, and now, ever since his dad died, I feel it's my job to just be fine with anything, but I'm not. I'm not finding guests at our apartment for a giant fundraiser, or thinking about how are we going to pay our bills, or apparently, we've given up trying to have kids.
Lily
I'm sorry Ted, I just got to do this. [heads to terminal]
[The gang is at MacLaren's Bar with Jerry trying to figure out which club to go to]
Let's see, what club should we hit first? There's Club Was, there's Wrong...
Um, those places shut down a long time ago.
Lily
Where's where Was was, isn't it?
No, Was wasn't where Where was. Was was where Wrong was, right?
Not Okay. That place is lame.
Okay is Lame? I thought Lame was a gay bar. Or is that Wrong?
That's wrong. That's Not Wrong.
Oh, I like Focus, let's go there.
Lily
I thought Focus was closed.
No, Was was Closed. Once Was shut down, it reopened as Closed.
I don't know. Third base, right?!
Ew, Third Base is all frat guys.
Lily
I'll go any place, okay?
Okay is not Lame. Lame is a gay bar.
Lily
Guys, shut up.
No, Shut Up shut down. I can't believe I don't know the clubs anymore.
Guys, just pick a club, okay?
AAll
Okay is Lame! Gay bar!
For the record, um, I was in there once by accident. I'm pretty sure it's pronounced Lamé.
[cut to the group at a club called Hopeless]
[Marshall has arrived home from his job interview.]
Lily
Hey baby, how'd it go?
Lily, this year, this nasty schoolyard bully of a year will not stop punching me in the face. How did we kick off 2011? My dad died. And now, after five months of unemployment, I just blew my dream job. Good news is, in a few seconds, I'm gonna start heaving my guts out because that's what life is to me now: just losing what's inside until I'm just empty.
Lily
Baby, come here.
I just want to shut my eyes for a few seconds before it starts.
[Marshall goes to his bedroom and lies down.]
FTFuture Ted
And Marshall slept...[the set darkens and then lights up again] All night.
[Marshall wakes up to find out that he hadn't gotten sick at all. In a later scene, Lily comes into the room]
Lily, it's a miracle! I didn't get sick! I-I-I didn't get sick.
Lily
I know, baby. [reveals a pregnancy tester in her hands] ... I'm pregnant.
How I Met Your Mother · 439 quotes
