Lily Aldrin quotes from How I Met Your Mother

Ted

I can't decide. They're both awesome.

Robin

If only architects had two balls, right, Ted?

Lily

I got this. Ted, [extends fists] left or right?

Ted

Yes, yes, great idea. Let the fates decide, huh? [speaks while alternating fists] I will pick left. [Lily slaps him]

Lily

Just call one of 'em!

Ted

Oh, guess who I ran into [at the Architect's Ball]. A girl from my past. Any guesses?

Lily

Stella.

Barney

Zoey.

Marshall

Karen?

Lily

The girl who beat you up.

Barney

The girl who ruined a photo with Slash!

Marshall

The girl who made you get the butterfly tattoo?

Ted

You make it sound like I dated a series of Stieg Larsson novels.

Lily

AHHHH, I can't go through with this!

Marshall

Thank God, me neither.

Lily

You're too much like my dad.

Marshall

You're too much like my dad!

Lily

Your dad??

Ted

Guys, luckily you're friends with a former Boy Scout, who is always...

Robin

Unpopular.

Lily

Beaten up.

Barney

Going to movies with his mom.

Ted

A Boy Scout is always prepared.

Robin

Prepared to spend lunch in his locker.

Marshall

Prepared to die a virgin.

Barney

Prepared to paint his sister's nails..

Ted

Prepared for emergencies. That's why a week ago, when Irene was a tropical depression...

Robin

You're a tropical depression.

Lily

Don't let him tempt you, baby.

Marshall

I don't know baby, we have a baby on the way, an extra slap would come in handy.

Marshall

I'm sorry, Ted. I still want to have fun, but want to be a good husband and father too. Just not enough time, you know.

Ted

I know, it all goes by so damn fast you know.

Marshall

We're getting old. [sees Lily] Lily! [hugs her] I'm so sorry that we ruined our night.

Lily

What are you talking about? You've been gone for less than two minutes!

Marshall

Baby, your grandparents gave you this house outright. The way I see it, we have five options: number one, sell it. Number two, year-round haunted house. Three, giant fence around the perimeter. Chimp sanctuary, there's a swing around the backyard. Four, we destroy it with sledgehammers. I like four.

Lily

Or five, we move in, raise our children, make this our family home.

Marshall

'Till they graduate, and we destroy it with sledgehammers....as a family.

Marshall

Hey baby, I'm sorry. I want our kid to believe that the universe is magical, you know, like my dad taught me.

Lily

You know what my dad taught me? Nothing, 'cause he was never there. [grabs Marshall's Enigmas of the Mystical book and makes a fake reading] June 22nd, 1996. Brooklyn, New York: A man misses his daughter's high-school graduation. Later, she discovers that his babysitting money has been spent on a game called "Who Stole the Babysitting Money?" He never saw the irony in that. December 31st, 2011: A woman calls her father to tell him she's pregnant. He says "Great. Thanks," and hangs up on her.

Marshall

...and after pushing her to call him, "I am a Bigfoot" is discovered in her husband's mouth.

Lily

I'm glad you're a believer baby, but I'm never gonna believe in an enigma of the mystical if I don't see it with my own eyes. Truth is, my father never taught me to believe in anything ... but myself.

Marshall

Well, if it helps at all, I believe in you too.

Lily

There's a pretty good chance I don't exist.

Lily

Why are you in our bed?

Barney

I took the Drunk Train. I got stuck out here, oh God I'm so hung over...[excited at Lily's cleavage] Oh God, Lily, not wearing a bra!!!

Barney

And now to seal this sacred vow, the two ladies will kiss.

Robin

Barney!

Barney

The two ladies will kiss!

Robin

Uh, Lily.

Lily

Sorry.

Barney

And now the gentlemen...

Ted

DUDE!

Barney

And now the gentlemen! [Marshall and Ted kiss] I was going to say "And now the gentlemen bump fists." How long you been holding back that one?

Marshall

In return for him getting me here, I may have promised Barney that our son's middle name will be - wait for it -

Lily

I can't wait. What is the name?

Marshall

The name is Wait For It.

Lily

[screams while pushing] AAGHH....THAT IS THE COOLEST MIDDLE NAME OF ALL TIME!!!

Lily

My dad just gave us the most amazing Christmas gift ever. Our first night away since Marvin was born.

Marshall

Twenty-four hours straight without that little bastard.

Robin

Oh, this will be a nice memory to share with Marvin when he's older and deciding whether or not to put you in a home.

Lily

[whispers to Marshall] I almost blurted out that Barney used to date Robin.

Quinn

Barney used to date Robin?! [Lily and Marshall are surprised]

Enough, ENOOUGH! [couples stop] You all have someone who loves you and you're screwing it up over what, who has the most power? That's not love. Love is trusting someone enough to tell them what's really bothering you - and you know what? That's what we're gonna do. [to Marshall] You, start!

Marshall

[to Lily] When you got scared about Marvin, it felt like you were saying that I'm not as good a parent as you. You're an amazing mom, and I will look up to that.

Lily

I probably have trust issues because my dad wasn't there for me, but I know that you'll always be there to catch Marvin.

[to Ted and Victoria] You, next!

Ted

Having Klaus back in our lives made me scared we're never gonna escape the past.

Victoria

I only wanted to help Klaus because I feel guilty of how happy I am with you.

[to Robin and Nick] Next!

I find you so sexy, it just hurt that you don't feel the same way about me.

Robin

I get turned on watching myself do the news during sex.

Oh... That's cool. [leaves with her]

Look at that, no legal documents needed, just honesty and vulnerability. That's love! You see, I once loved someone, only I didn't say it enough. Now I wish I could say it everyday - hell, I don't care if its crazy, I'm doing it. [calls ex-wife] Hello Darlene? Put Tugboat on the line. Hey buddy! Hey it's the man! [leaves conference room]

And for a moment, all felt right with the world, but that very night, the Autumn of Breakups would claim its first victims.

Lily

Wow. That's incredible. When did you get so good with kids?

You know something honey, you don't know this. For the first few years of your life, your mom worked while I was a stay-at-home dad.

Lily

I thought Grandma and Grampa took care of me.

Well, they visited a lot, but I was the one who took care of you. You know, America thinks I ran into that burning house to get potato salad, but actually, I ran into the house to get this photo album - and potato salad. [shows Lily album]

Lily

Dad, I never realized you were there for me. How come there are no pictures of me after preschool?

Well...

Well, have fun on your first day at preschool, princess. [kisses Lily and gives her food] Well, off you go. [after Lily gets inside classroom] Ugh, how am I gonna make it to three o'clock without her? [sees newspaper] Belmont Racetrack? Well, I guess it couldn't hurt to bet just once.

Six months later, guess what gambling addict's thumbs had pins on them? [flashes badly deformed thumbs] This guy! ... Look honey, I wasn't there for most of your childhood and I regret that every single day of my life, but I promise you, I'm here now for Marvin. If you want.

Lily

You're hired. [embraces Mickey]