Marshall Eriksen quotes from How I Met Your Mother

Marshall

Now, as you'll see on page 44 of the contract...

Hey Eriksen, when did you join AC/DC? [points to Marshall's cut-up pants]

Marshall

[scoffs] Can we please just turn to page 44 of the contract...

Hey Eriksen. I think the Oliver Twist auditions are down the hall! [colleagues laugh]

Barney

Yeah, Eriksen, please sir, can I have some more...pants? [colleagues laugh harder]

Robin

Oh my God!

Ted

Lily, you can't manipulate people like that! I've known you 12 years and I can honestly say I've NEVER BEEN MORE FURIOUS AT YOU!

Lily

Ted I...

Ted

I don't want to hear it..

Barney

[cuts in] Whoa whoa, settle down for a minute! I only have one question: [Turns to Marshall, asking about the nightshirts they are wearing] How do these bad boys feel in bed?

Marshall

Come, let's go see. [Marshall and Barney head to the bedroom]

Robin

So if it weren't for you, Ted and I would still be dating?

Lily

OR you would have stayed together far too long, had an incredibly bitter breakup and not even remain friends and [teary eyed, to Robin] you and I would never have become best friends.

Robin

You don't even have to say that. [Hugs Lily]

Ted

Stop hugging! Lily, you had no right to interfere in my relationships. You got lucky, okay? You met the love of your life in a dorm hallway when you were 18, but that doesn't give you the right to play God to the rest of us mortals down here who are still looking for someone. You are so concerned with about who you and Marshall are gonna end up in that front porch with-you know what, you can have it to yourselves. [leaves living room]

Marshall

If I could nail a celebrity it would be Lily. She's the star of my heart.

Lily

Aww. For me it would be Hugh Jackman.

Lily

Marshall, they're in kindergarten. You don't teach basketball this way.

Marshall

Sure you do, it's the way I learned.

Lily

Are you kidding? What sociopath taught you this way?

Young Marshall

Come on, Dad! I'm tired!

Sleep is for winners! You can go to bed when you score a basket!

Young Marshall

I'm trying!

Oh, let's give you two points for trying! Negative two points for having a great big head!

Marshall

My father gave me no quarter. And I asked for no quarter.

Barney

I'm - wait for it - in - wait for it - love - wait for it - with - wait for it - a -wait for it - certain - wait for it...

Marshall

I KNOW THAT YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH ROBIN!

Marshall

Would you just have 'The Talk'... okay, it's a five-minute conversation and then you get to have sex afterwards. It's great! Back me up, Ted!

Ted

I don't think 'The Talk' is necessary....

Marshall

[in a high-pitched voice] Whaaaaaaat?!

Barney

Thank you, Ted...

Ted

...because Robin is already his girlfriend!

Barney

[imitating Marshall] Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat!?

Lily

It's time, baby.

Marshall

[crying] I will never love again!

Lily

No, Marshall, you must! And after an appropriate number of years you should find someone else - someone like that busty delivery girl from that one time and...plow her like a cornfield. [hiccups and dies; Marshall cries]

...and so Marshall, to honor Lily, you must find that busty delivery girl from that one time, and plow her like a cornfield. [Ted, Robin, and Barney comfort Marshall, who's still crying]

Delivery for Marshall Eriksen.

Marshall

[looks up at heaven] This is for you, Lil. [to Busty Delivery Girl while opening his shirt] Where do I sign? [necks her]

Ted

[to Marshall] Barney says Lily asking you to wash the dishes is a sign that your marriage is crumbling.

Marshall

What? Why? Lily likes a clean sink. I do the dishes right away, so what's the big deal?

Barney

I'll tell you what the big deal is. You know how I have always been best at being single?

No.

Barney

Well, now, I am the best at relationships. Even better than you and Lily.

Marshall

Whoa, look at you. Had a girlfriend for five minutes and think you could play with a big boys? Adorable. Son, I've been in a relationship since you had a ponytail and were playing Dave Matthews on your Mamma's Casio. I'm a good boyfriend in my sleep. I can rock a killer foot rub with one hand and brew a kick-ass pot of chamomile that will make you weep. Hell, I've forgotten more about microwaving fat-free popcorn and watching Sandra Bullock movies than you'll ever know, but...thanks for your concern, Rook.

Others draw themselves into...

Barney

Every woman in New York City. That's right, Barney Stinson is back on the market. Mothers lock up your daughters, daughters lock up your MILSWANCAs.

Marshall

MILSWANCAs?

Ted

Wait, I can get this... Mothers I'd Like to Sleep With And Never Call Again!

Barney

Correct! Circle gets the square!

Marshall

Guys, I don't know what to say, I mean it's Thanksgiving, but thanks just doesn't seem like its enough.

Ted

Come on buddy, you would have done the same thing for us.

Marshall

Yeah, I would and you know why? 'Cause I love you guys and I'm gonna show you just how much: Ted Mosby, Robin Scherbatsky, I bequeath unto you...the Fourth Slap. [Ted and Robin are shocked]

Marshall

[after recounting all the times she flashed the "You're Dead To Me" look at anybody] I supported you with all those random people, but this is your father, Lily. Can't we at least, give him some turkey?

Lily

No.

Marshall

Come on Lily, please. I can't ask the guy to leave on Thanksgiving.

Lily

Oh, you don't have to ask. Just tell him it's really important for him to be here, and before you know it, he'll be at the Board Game Convention in Toledo giving your braces money to some guy claiming to be Milton Bradley.

Marshall

He was just out trying to provide for the family.

Lily

No, no, that's what my mom did by working two jobs. Marshall, that man broke my heart every single day for 20 years.

Marshall

Well, let's just give him some dark meat.

Ted

Hello?

Hello? Ted Mosby?

Ted

Yes.

The window is open.

Ted

[pause] What?

The Window...is open!

Ted

[hangs up and looks to Marshall] The window is open.

Marshall

What are you waiting for?

Ted

I...I...

Marshall

Run, Ted! RUN!! [Ted runs out of the apartment]

Ted

[to Lily on the sidewalk] Lily, the window is open.

Lily

Make a hole, people! [gets baby cart of bystanders and pushes it forward, sending the bystanders to chase it] Run, Ted! RUN!!

There you are. I'm so sorry I kissed you yesterday.

Marshall

That's OK.

And I'm sorry I had sex with you in the mailroom.

Marshall

That wasn't me.

Oh, good grief, that's two awkward conversations I have to have today.

Marshall

You want us to arrange your marriage?

Ted

Absolutely! Look, there are two sides to dating - picking and getting picked. Getting picked I'm good at. Ladies love Teddy Westside.

Marshall

You're waiting for me to comment on your 'self-assigned nickname.' [Pause] Well here's my comment: I LOVE IT!

Ted

Really?

Marshall

Teddy Westside? Continue!

Ted

It's the picking I suck at, I pick the wrong girls! But you guys are the best pickers I know. You picked each other!

Marshall

42nd? Does this [gestures to Lily] hot piece of ass look 42 to you? Or does she look like her name is Lori?

Lily

No Marshall, it's okay.

Marshall

No Lily it's not okay! Ted, get this stranger out of my house.

I'm so sorry..

Marshall

OUT!! [points thumb at door]