Marshall Eriksen quotes from How I Met Your Mother

Stella

How long's it been for you?

Ted

It's been a while.

Stella

Tell me. [Ted shows full palm] Me too!

Ted

It's been five months for you, too? [Stella is open-mouthed]

[at flat] FIVE YEARS!??!

Did you enjoy [Looks at Marshall's passport] Amsterdam?

Marshall

[Nervous] No? Nothing illegal. Some paintings...

Alright Bob Marley. [Takes Marshall's backpack] Let's have a conversation! [another guard enters, coughing and eating a bag of chips.]

Shift change! [First guard leaves; new guard looks at Marshall's passport] Amsterdam? Alright! Float on through, brother!

Marshall

[Current day] Miracle!!!!!

Ted

[about Star Wars] It's just a movie.

Ted

Okay, if Stella doesn't like this movie, I can't marry her.

Marshall

No, you can't.

Ted

Wanna watch it again?

Marshall

Yes, I do.

Marshall

Just a burger? Just a burger. Robin, it's so much more than "just a burger." I mean...that first bite -- oh, what heaven that first bite is! The bun, like a sesame freckled breast of an angel, resting gently on the ketchup and mustard below, flavors mingling in a seductive pas de deux. And then... a pickle! The most playful little pickle! Then a slice of tomato, a leaf of lettuce and a...a patty of ground beef so exquisite, swirling in your mouth, breaking apart, and combining again in a fugue of sweets and savor so delightful. This is no mere sandwich of grilled meat and toasted bread, Robin. This is God, speaking to us through food.

Lily

And you got our wedding vows off the internet?

Robin

Wait, whoa, what damage did I cause?

Marshall

Remember that night where you drank the twelver of Molson and got all "Super Canadian"?

Robin

[holding a hockey stick] Stanley Cup. Game six, eh? The Rangers are aboot to be sorry they ever played shinny with the Canucks.

Marshall

Hey hey Robin, I'll give you twenty bucks if you can shoot it through the front door.

Robin

Oh! You're nuttier than a Tim Horton's maple log! Tally Ho! [tries to shoot the puck through the door]

Lily

[grabs the puck] No. That's it, Robin. Gimme the stick!

Robin

I'll give you summer teeth... Some are here, some are there.

Lily

Robin, give me the stick!

Robin

Take off, [shoves Lily] hoser!

Lily

Alright, that's it!

Marshall

Go America!

Ted

Alright, alright! Break it up! BREAK IT UP!

Barney

Te-ed, no! You never break up a girl fight! NEVER!! [punches a hole in the wall and storms out]

Marshall

There's no meat.

Lily

There's no alcohol.

Marshall

It gets worse--I am 90% sure that guy you were talking with used to be lead singer of the Spin Doctors.

Marshall

Stella hated Star Wars! She lied to you. Search your feelings, Ted. You know it to be true!

Ted

Well, that's her business.

Barney

Come on Ted, she left you at the altar! [gang begins arguing until Lily notices the taxi]

Lily

Wa-wait, where's she going? Her cab just missed the turn to the Lincoln Tunnel.

Robin

Why would anybody buy take-out food and take it all the way back to New Jersey, anyway?

Ted

She's going to her office.

Marshall

No. [recounts restaurant order scene] The waiter asked her, "And you need utensils?" She said, "No, I'll just take them straight home."

Ted

And if she's going home, why are we still heading to- oh my God. Tony lives downtown. 'Home' is Tony's apartment. She was gonna make me move to New Jersey, and she's moving into the city WITH TONY?!? Son of a bitch! [Gang cheers him on]

Marshall

Finally, finally, buddy.

Ted

I AM SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW!

Marshall

I know, I know, and I love it! [Ted rips off window crank] Yeah, that is awesome! [to taxi driver] Sir, we'd be happy to cover the cost of that window crank! I love angry Ted!

Ted

So do I!

Marshall

So Robin, how's the job and apartment search going?

Robin

[sarcastic] Oh you didn't hear? I'm a lead anchor on CNN and I've got a penthouse overlooking Central Park made of gold! Get your head out of your ass, Marshall!

Barney

Marshall, great news - I'm not a father.

Marshall

Congratulations, buddy. [Shakes Barney's hand]

Barney

I know, this is the happiest moment of my life! Marshall, the way I feel about not having kids... I never knew I could love something this much. That's why, I'm creating a holiday. From now on, today will be known as "Not A Father's Day"!

Marshall

Wow, you're creating a holiday.

Barney

Why not? Everyone else gets a day - mothers, fathers, Bastille's...why can't there be a day for those who are single and like it that way?

Marshall

Now you just sound like a fat girl at Valentine's Day.

Robin

[Reading placard on the bar shelf] 'I'm drinking 'till I forget the 1999 NFC Championship'?

Marshall

That game. The Vikings were two minutes away from going to the Super Bowl, when our kicker, who hadn't missed all year, shanked a field goal, and we lost in overtime. [slams fist on table] Damn!

[overhears Marshall's rant from bar counter] '99 NFC Championship, huh?

Marshall

Yeah.

Damn! [slams fist on table as well]

Lily

Fort Lager Dale, get it?

Marshall

Minne Cider, get it?

Lily

Aspen Yards Ale, get it?

Marshall

Actually, no.

Lily

Me neither. I was hoping you would.

Ted

[as Doctor X] Doctor X here, shooting truth bullets at you from an undisclosed location, 'cause if they knew where I was, they'd shut me down.

Marshall

[listening with Lily at their dorm room] You're on the third floor of the Student Center next to the game room, you tool!

Ted

Been reading a lot of letters about my segment on how racist this school's meal plan is.

Lily

How can there be any letters if no one knows where you are, douche?

Ted

That's why I'm organizing a happening outside the Dining Hall. Monday, at midnight. Time has come that these puppet masters took this ignorance of justice off the menu.

[cuts in during broadcast] Hey Ted, we need a fourth one for foosball. What are you doing here, anyway?

Ted

Dude, get out of here, be there in a sec. [resumes Doctor X spiel] Remember, Dining Hall at midnight. Another Doctor X happening. I'll be there, 'cause X marks the spot-ot-ot-ot...

Marshall

[in present day] If you think people liked your show, they did not-ot-ot-ot...

Marshall

Where does this girl live?

Robin

We're talking about a girl who got Barney Stinson to actually commit... I'm guessing Narnia.

Lily

It looks like your mom kept your childhood bedroom just the way you left it.

Marshall

That sure is a big poster of The Karate Kid above your bed.

Barney

Hey, Karate Kid's a great movie. It's the story of a hopeful young karate enthusiast whose dreams and moxie take him all the way to the All Valley Karate Championship. Of course, sadly, he loses in the final round to that nerd kid. But, he learns an important lesson about gracefully accepting defeat.

Lily

Wait, when you watch The Karate Kid, you actually root for that mean blond boy?

Barney

No, I root for the scrawny loser from New Jersey who barely even knows karate. When I watch The Karate Kid, I root for the karate kid: Johnny Lawrence from the Cobra Kai dojo. Get your head out of your ass, Lily.

Ted

I never said I was gonna get back together with her. But I was thinking, she's new in town, would it be the worst thing in the world if I gave her a call?

Marshall

No, no, Ted, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. It would be the fourth worst thing. Number one, super volcano. Number two, an asteroid hits the earth. Number three, all footage of Evil Knievel is lost. Number four, Ted calls Karen. Number five, Lily gets eaten by a shark.

Lily

I'm Lily and I approve the order of that list.