Barney Stinson quotes from How I Met Your Mother

Robin

This has to stop! Ted, we just started dating. We agreed we don't want to move too fast, and somehow, we have a baby. He can't feed himself, he cries a lot, he keeps us up all night.

Barney

Have you tried breast feeding? Nailed it!

I'd join you, too, but I want to get up early for mass tomorrow.

Barney

St. Peter's, 8:45 AM. It's my favorite service.

Ted

Wait a minute. You're able to cross the threshold of a church?

Barney

Dude, lots of chicks think that architects are hot. Think about that, you create something out of nothing. You're like God. There is no one hotter than God.

Ted

I love it when you quote Scripture.

Ted

Okay, we HAVE to get Lily out of that apartment. Her roommate is a raccoon.

Robin

I'd offer her my place, but I have dogs and she's allergic.

Ted

Dogs? I live with her ex-boyfriend. I think she's more allergic to that.

Robin

What about your place, Barney? I know it's shrouded in mystery, but it's gotta have a couch.

Barney

The Fortress of Barnitude? No way.

Robin

Oh come on. She's desperate.

Barney

Mmm, normally a prerequisite for the women I bring home, but pass.

Lily

Why would I want to change anything? This place is great, except you don't have a TV.

Barney

[Points to wall] See that wall? [Turns on TV] 300 inch flatscreen! They only sell them in Japan but I know a guy. They ship it over in a tugboat like freakin' King Kong!

Lily

It hurts my eyes...

Barney

Yeah, that doesn't go away.

Mr Eriksen, hello. I graded your paper tonight. I was...[looks at Barney] pleasantly surprised.

Barney

[smugly] Yeah she was.

[to Marshall, before leaving] B-plus.

Barney

B-plus?!? Marshall, after I've gone though my eight weeks of physical therapy, I'm going to get you that A!

Marshall

Let her go. She belongs out there...in the wild. You should be proud. You fought the cougar and lived.

Ted

So I guess that decides it.

Marshall

Yep.

Barney

Hanging out at a coffee place: not nearly as much fun as hanging out at a bar.

Ted

[Looks at Marshall's cup] Hey, what's that?

Marshall

What?

Ted

That cute coffee girl wrote a heart by your name! [in a sing-song voice] Somebody has a crush on you!

Barney

[in a sing-song voice as well] Somebody thinks you're me!

Marshall

Well, what if the heart doesn't mean anything? What if she writes them on all the cups?

Ted

Mine says "Ted", no heart.

Barney

Mine says... "Swarley"... How'd they get "Swarley" from "Barney"? It's not even a name. Who would ever be called "Swarley"?...[sees Marshall and Ted smile] Oh, please don't start calling me "Swarley"... This would never happen at a bar! [leaves the coffee shop]

Ted

Man! What's up with Swarley?

Marshall

I know. You almost never see old Swarlz get that upset.

Ted

Psssh.

Ted

Wha...I don't get it! Why won't Robin tell me why she hates malls?

Barney

Ted, you should be happy Robin has a secret. The more you learn about a person, the better chance you have of hitting the fatal "Ohhh..." moment.

Marshall

The "Ohhh..." moment?

Barney

Yeah. That moment when you find out that one detail about a person that is going to be a deal-breaker.

It's a promise ring. I made a pact with God to stay a virgin till I'm married.

Barney

Ohhhh.....

I don't have an eating disorder, it's just when I put food in my mouth, I chew it and then I spit it out!

Barney

Ohhhh.....

I just turned 30.

Barney

Ohhhhhh.....

Barney

So trust me, you want to postpone knowing anything about each other for as long as possible

Ted

Hmm...I disagree. If there's some potential "Ohhh...." moment, I wanna know about it right away. I mean, what's the alternative?

I now pronounce you man and wife.

Ted

I love you.

Robin

I used to be a dude.

Ted

Ohhhhhh.....

Barney

OK, here's my thing - if gay guys start getting married, then suddenly the whole world's gonna be doing it. That's how it works: they start something, then six months later, everyone follows. Like... now everyone gets manicures.

Ted

Yeah... I don't get manicures.

Barney

OK, then, like, how... like getting your chest waxed.

Lily

[gasping] Oh! You get your chest waxed?

Barney

[annoyed] You know what I mean! Gay marriage is going to cause single life as we know it to die out. Think of how the American family will be strengthened!

Ted

I'm sorry, but i'm not apologizing! Look-I was just trying to put the guy back together. You smashed him to pieces!

Lily

Are you seriously not going to apologize for leaving that message?!

Ted

NO!

Lily

Why not?!

Ted

BECAUSE, Lily, this summer you were KIND OF A GRINCH!

Oooooooohhhhhhh.

[coldly] You'll be sorry, Ted Mosby.

Barney

Ted Vivian Mosby!

Ted

That's not my middle name.

Barney

You kiss your mother with that mouth?!

Ted

Like you've never said that word.

Barney

I don't kiss your mother with my mouth. Yet...

Ted

Are you sick?

Barney

Is it sick to find maturity and experience sexy?

Ted

No, I meant do you have a cold?

Barney

I'm fine. [blows his nose; Ted and Robin look at him] I'm fine. My nose is just overflowing with awesome and I had to get some of it out. If you'll excuse me, holiday is the time when people are lonely and desperate. It's the most wonderful time of the year.

Robin

[Downs drink] I can't believe my baby sister is planning to lose her virginity to a douche with a faux-hawk. This can't happen, you guys have to help me talk her out of it.

Marshall

A speech to talk a girl out of sex...

Ted

...yeah I don't have any of those.

Barney

Discouraging premarital sex is against my religion.

Robin

Please? I'm her older sister; I'm supposed to teach her how to make good and responsible decisions.

Lily

It's 2 o'clock and you've already had three Scotch and Sodas.

Robin

That's why I need your help!

Barney

[picks up dart] Hey, guys! Guess what I got? A new dart!

Robin

Oh, wow, a new dart!

Ted

Hey, that new dart is great!

Robin

I did not know you were such a fan of "newdart", Barney!

Barney

Oh yes, Robin, I just love "newdart"...”nude art". "Nude art"!

Marshall

Okay, all right, so what, you guys found the painting, huh?!?

Lily

I knew this day would come.

Marshall

How did you know that?

Lily

Because I didn't hide it very well.

Ted

So let me get this straight. A funeral is the one time you don't suit up?

Barney

Have I taught you nothing, Ted?

Ted

Virtually.

Barney

Suits are full of joy. They're the sartorial equivalent of a baby's smile.

Lily

Sartorial?

Barney

Of, or pertaining to, tailors or their trade. Suits are for the living. That's why, when it's my time to R.I.P. I'm going out of this world the same way I came into it. BUCK NAKED. Yeah. It's gonna be awesome. Open bar for the guys, open casket for the ladies. [In a high-pitched voice] What up? [Raises his hand in anticipation for a high-five]

Ted

[tries to convince the group of watching the recorded Super Bowl together a day after because of the wake for Mark] Who's in?

Lily

I'm in!

Robin

I'm in.

Marshall

I'm in!

Barney

What the hell. I'm in! HIGH-FIVE! [raises his hand]

Ted

Dude... we are at a wake!

Barney

[looks around] Sorry.... [puts his hand over the table and speaks in a low and grave voice] solemn low-five.

Barney

[talking with Lily about waiting in line for the wedding-dress sale] I can't go, I've got this thing...

Lily

What thing?

Barney

...a penis.