Barney Stinson quotes from How I Met Your Mother

Barney

[to Lily during his play] Moist. Moist. Moist...

This was the first 40 minutes of Barney's show.

Ted

Barney...

Barney

This isn't Barney. ...but I hear that guy's awesome. All right. Listen very carefully. You will get your stuff back if you are able to complete a series of challenges. Number one, put on the suit. Number two, meet me at MacLaren's in an hour.

Ted

How will I know who to look for since we've never met?

Barney

...I look like Barney.

Barney

Ladies and gentlemen, I have in my hand a copy of tonight's Top Ten list. The category: top ten things I would've called my truck...

Ted

It was never your truck.

Barney

If Ted hadn't been a jerk and given it back.

Ted

It was a rental.

Barney

Number ten, "The Winne-Bango." Number nine, "The Pick-Up Truck." Number eight, "The Ford Explore Her." Number seven, "The You Scream Truck." You Scream. [they all laugh] Number six, "Feels on Wheels!" Hello! Number five, "The Ride Her Truck." Number four, "The 18-Squealer." Number three, "The Esca-Laid." Number two, "The Slam-Boni." and... the number one thing I would've called my truck if Ted hadn't been a jerk and given it back... "The '69 Chevy."

Barney

Alright, fine, the stripper at Stewart's Bachelor Party was a 15.

Ted

[Appalled] She was 15?

Barney

A 15. Like in blackjack.

Ted

As in, not sure whether you'd hit it?

Barney

Exactly!

Ted

Nice.

Young Barney

Mom, who's my dad? A lot of kids at school know who their dad is. Who's mine?

Oh, I don't know. That guy. [points to TV set showing a broadcast of The Price Is Right]

Lily

So instead of an acoustic guitar, we're having a harp player. My mother owes someone money, and his daughter plays the harp.

Barney

Is she hot? Because then I can cross "harp player" off my list.

Ted

How long is this list?

Barney

I'm not telling you how many pages my list has. I'm not crass.

Lily

It doesn't matter anyway, because she's pregnant.

Barney

Good. That way I can cross two things off my list.

Barney

Go for Barney.

Marshall

Hey man. It's Marshall. Check your email, sent you something.

Barney

What is it?

Marshall

A new website. Slapcountdown.com

Barney

[Barney looks at his computer screen, which displays a timer counting down days, hours, minutes and seconds.] What does this mean? Marshall? [Marshall has already hung up] No... NOOOOOOOOO!

Barney

Within a triad of solar periods, you'll recognize your dearth of compatibility with your paramour and conclude your association.

Robin

My journey was transformative and I reassert my commitment to both the aforementioned paramour and the philosophies he espouses.

What are we talking of? Baseball?

Barney

It's all gonna return to masticate you in the glutials. Support my hypothesis, Ted.

Ted

I'm just jubilant my former paramour is jubilant.

Ted

What? We agreed! I suited up!

Barney

You take too long to get ready.

Ted

What are you talking about? I got the low-maintenance, just-rolled-out-of-bed look.

Marshall

Which takes about an hour and a half of waxing, tugging and teasing to achieve.

Barney

And then he starts on his hair. Ace!

Robin

What's my "but"? You know, I'm really nice, but...

But she's afraid of commitment.

But she's a gun nut.

But she's... Canadian.

But she doesn't like Field of Dreams.

I can't think of anything.

Marshall

I'm not gonna cheat on my girlfriend.

Barney

Yes, you are, with the hottie that just walked in. Look at her. [Lily walks in the bar] How much hotter is she than your girlfriend?

Marshall

There's no comparison. What do you think, Ted, should I go for it?

Ted

Don't do it, man, think about Lily.

Marshall

You know what, I don't care, I've been with the same woman for too long. I need me some strange.

Barney

Yes, yes! Okay, pep talk! You can do this, but to be more accurate, you probably can't. You're way out of practice and she's way too hot for you. So, remember, it's not about scoring. It's about believing you can do it, even though you probably can't. Go get 'em, tiger! [Marshall gets up and goes up to the bar] Poor guy's gonna crash and burn. [Marshall and Lily kiss, Barney spits out his drink.] That man is a GOD!

Barney

Got it. Lance Hardwood, Sex Architect starring Ted Mosby.

Ted

Terrific.

Barney

[loads DVD] You'll notice I'm in the credits. I did some location scouting.

Marshall

[looking for his password] Jelly beans, fluffernutter, Gummi bears, ginger snaps- this is a grocery list.

Robin

For who, a witch building a house in the forest?

Marshall

Sugar helps me study.

Barney

This is the kind of shopping a ten-year-old does when he's alone for the weekend.

Lily

Who leaves a ten-year-old alone for the weekend?

Barney

[Sarcastically] Oh, and your mom was perfect.

Ted

How many days are there in October?

Barney

Ah, thirty?

Ted

Dude, I thought we cleared this up last year.

Barney

[as Borat] I like Halloween very much. Is nice! [flashes thumbs-up]

Ted

[in a Borat-style accent] Is also tomorrow.

Barney

Damn it!

Barney

Hey, check it out. We're in the last 20 seconds of Marshall's countdown to nothing!

Lily

Barney, put it away.

Barney

How does it feel, Marshall? To sit there impotently, your large, flaccid hand just dangling in the wind?

The slap will occur in ten-

Barney

Ooh, classy touch, dude. TOO BAD!

Lily

Barney, put it away!

Barney

I will. In [counts with the computer] five, four-

Lily

[to Marshall] You can slap him.

Barney

What?? Wait, you-

Two, one.

Marshall

That's three!