Ted Mosby quotes from How I Met Your Mother

Ted

Did you wire the down payment to the castle guy? [to Barney] I got a castle guy.

Barney

I've got, like, three castle guys. And a moat guy.

The Mother

So I didn't wire the payment because I don't think we can get married in September.

Ted

What-What, why? -

The Mother

Because, when I do get married, I kind of want to fit in my dress. [makes belt motion around waist]

Ted

Why wouldn't you f - [catches on that The Mother is pregnant] No!!

Ted

And that, kids, is how I met your mother.

That's it?

Ted

That's it.

No. I don't buy it. That is not the reason you made us listen to this.

Ted

Oh, really? Then what's the reason?

Let's look at the facts here. You made us sit down and listen to this story about how you met Mom, yet Mom's hardly in the story. No. This is a story about how you're totally in love with Aunt Robin. And you're thinking of asking her out, and you want to know if we're okay with it.

Ted

I can't believe this. I kept this story short and to the point, and you guys still missed it. The point of this story is that -

Is that you totally, totally, totally have the hots for Aunt Robin.

Ted

No, I don't.

Yes, you do.

Ted

You're grounded.

Wow, you're really into Aunt-

Ted

You're grounded too! Okay, suppose I were interested in Aunt Robin in that way, it's not like I'd do anything about it. I got you guys to think about.

Dad, we love Aunt Robin.

Whenever she comes home for dinner, you guys are so obvious. [Ted goes quiet]

Come on, Dad. Mom's been gone for six years now. It's time.

The Mother

Hey, are you okay? You look stressed. Plus, you muttered a few words out loud. I heard "lonely" and "unicorn", which actually gave me a great idea for a children's book, so... thank you. Are you okay?

Lily

No, but there's nothing you can do.

The Mother

Do you wanna cookie? [Offers a container of cookies]

Lily

Yes... yes I do! [Grabs a cookie]

The Mother

Whoa! You just took a cookie from a complete stranger on a train. I like how trusting you are. There could be drugs or poison in there.

Lily

But there's not, is there?

The Mother

No idea, I found them under my seat.

The Mother

No! Kidding! Sorry! You looked stressed so I thought you could use a cookie and then I thought you could use a joke, I should have stopped at the cookie.

Lily

You know what? I don't care if these are poisoned. There's chocolate and peanut butter and caramel in these sumbitches.

The Mother

I call them sumbitches! [smiles and laughs along with Lily]

...And that's how Lily met your mother.

Lily

It's been a tough weekend for him.

Ted

Bro!

Lily

We're here for a wedding.

Ouch.

Lily

He used to date the bride.

Oh mama.

Lily

And he's the best man.

Devastating.

Ted

You wanna hear something funny? One year ago today, almost to the minute, I was sitting at this very table, right in that seat. [points to seat]

The Mother

Oh yeah, I can see it. You nursing that gin and tonic with three extra limes, doing the crossword. Probably being all showboaty about it.

Ted

I wasn't showboaty about it.

Vesuvius...booyah! [stares at puzzle] Wait that doesn't fit.

Ted

The point is, one year ago today, I made a promise to myself, right at this table.

The Mother

What was the promise?

The Mother

Wait a second. Hold it. One year ago today, you hadn't even met me.

Ted

I know, but I knew I would - and now it's a year later...

The Mother

And here I am.

Ted

Here you are. Love in your eyes, baked goods in your undergarments.

The Mother

Yeah, you picked a real winner, Mosby. [taps hand]

Ted

Yeah, I did. [long stare] Seriously, what the crap's taking so long with these rooms? It's like this last year. I'll be right back.

The Mother

I'll be right here.

Lily

Ted..

Ted

Yeah?

Lily

You wrote down all of these things to say goodbye to, but so many of these are good things. Why not just say goodbye to the bad things? Say goodbye to all the times you felt lost, to all the times it was a No instead of a Yes, to all the scrapes and bruises, to all the heartache. Say goodbye to everything you really want to do for the last time, but don't go have one last Scotch with Barney, have the first Scotch toasting Barney's new life, because that's a good thing and the good things will always be here waiting for you. [sees Ted smile] What?

Ted

Turn the page.

Lily

[flips paper; reads] "Get one last life lecture from Lily." You're dreaming if you think that's the last one of those.

Ted

It was weird at the carousel. All of it's been weird between me and Robin ever since we broke up. You're my brother, I would never do anything to hurt you ever. I mean it, I swear! I'll even swear on the Bro Code.

Barney

The Bro Code's stupid.

Ted

[gasps] How dare you?! [gets copy] I'd be honored. [places left hand on book and raises right hand] I can't promise that I'll ever get to a place where it won't be at least a little weird between me and Robin, but I don't wanna lose you as a friend, either of you. So I would do everything I can to move on and live with it. The question is, can you?

Look Ted, I can make your life very difficult.

Ted

How?

How?!? I will call you a lot. I will Tweet at you like crazy. I will live on your Facebook wall!!

Ted

We're not Facebook friends.

Yeah what's going on with that? It's been pending for like eight months now.

Ted

You can’t anoint yourself king like that jerk LeBron.

Barney

He left the Cavs three years ago, bro, give it up, move on.

Barney

Well, as you know, back in my hippie days, a business man came into my coffee shop, told me money was all that mattered, and stole my girlfriend. That's when I decided to become awesome. But I had no idea how to break into the corporate world. So, hoping he wouldn't recognize me, I went to the one person from whom I knew I could learn everything.

Do we know each other, bro?

Barney

We're all connected in Gaia's great tapestry of... (clears throat) No. We don't. Bro.

Wow, you went to M.I.T. Pretty impressive.

Barney

I did get a perfect score on the A.C.T.'s. Advanced Card Tricks.

Well, look, buddy. You got a sweet résumé. But we don't have any openings you're qualified for.

They set me up! It was a trap! It's a trap!

We have one opening you'd be perfect for.

Barney

Great. What do I do?

Please. "Provide Legal Exculpation And Sign Everything." Just show up every day, scribble your name on a bunch of documents, and we'll pay you 16 craploads a year. Deets are in the contract. I'll give you time to think about it.

Barney

I'll take it.

Hold on. Did you even read this before signing it?

Barney

No.

[laughs] You're hired. We'll work on that.

Ted

Wait, that's your job? You sign sketchy legally-binding documents that could implicate you for god-knows-what?

Barney

Best job ever, right?

Ted

I'm not gonna answer the question, because you know the answer. You want to talk about my Top Five? There's no Top Five, Robin, there's just a Top One - and it's you. And the only reason I'm saying it is, 'cuz I know it's not gonna change anything. You and Barney are getting married today. If I have to hold the shotgun myself, it's happening.

Robin

I thought you don't like guns.

Ted

I'm the best man. I swore on the Bro Code. I don't want to go to Bro Hell.

Robin

Bro Hell sounds bad.

Ted

I'm sure Barney's got a whole thing about Bro Hell.

Robin

But... What about when we get back from our honeymoon? What about our first night out at the bar, what then? Is it gonna be weird?

Ted

No.

Robin

How can you be so sure?

Ted

Because I'm not gonna be there. I'm moving to Chicago.

Barney

[groggy] The secret ingredient... is nothing.

Ted

I ate too much bacon.

Barney

Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir is a lie... That's the secret. [collapses]

Robin

Did you just turn off the bride's TV on her wedding day?

Lily

Oh oh, is this your wedding day? I'm sorry! Couldn't tell, because you're acting like its any other Sunday morning, and it's not!

Robin

Lily, if you're waiting for me to suddenly turn into the wedding bride, you just give up, that's not me.

Lily

Fine, maybe we should just act like this wedding's no big deal, and you know what? I don't feel like wearing my bridesmaid's dress.

Robin

Great, it's just a wedding. Who cares what people wear?

Ted

[shows Barney another suit in a different room] SAY YES TO THIS SUIT!!!

Barney

[crying] I can't. I can't! [Ted throws suit on to the floor]

Ted

And that's the story, right down to the surprise ending.

The Mother

Is that really such a surprise? I mean, come on. Yeah, of course she showed up. What mother wouldn't want to be at her daughter's wedding? [Ted offers no answer. When she looks up from her coffee, she sees that he has started to weep as a result of her comment] Oh, hey. No. Come on.

Ted

[sniffles] It's okay. I'm fine. I'm okay.

Ted

You don't take a man's accidental curly!

Marshall

You take a man's wife before you take his accidental curly!

Lily

If you wanted curly fries so bad, why not just order them in the first place? [scoffed at by the guys]

Ted

Yeah, that's what you want? All curly fries?

Marshall

Regular cut, with a few accidental curlies, that's what you want!

Barney

That's the dream!

Ted

He is right. That is the dream.