Allison Cameron quotes from House

Stool sample to check for parasites, blood culture to rule out infection, and ANA for lupus.

Dr. Cameron

Because he screamed?

It could also be an environmental reaction... an allergy, dust, weed, pollen, a toxin, something he ate...

Check the house and run a lung ventilation scan... lungs are in the chest too, right?

I had a date last night. She screamed. Should we spend $100,000 testing her?

Of course not... this isn't a veterinary hospital. ZING!

S3 E4 Lines in the Sand

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Dr. Cameron

Is it so wrong for them to want to have a normal child? It's normal to want to be normal.

Spoken like a true circle queen. See, skinny, socially-privileged white people get to draw this neat little circle. And everyone inside the circle is "normal". Anyone outside the circle should be beaten, broken and reset so that they can be brought into the circle. Failing that, they should be institutionalized. Or worse - Pitied.

Dr. Cameron

So it's wrong to feel sorry for this little boy?

Why would you feel sorry for someone that gets to opt out of the inane courteous formalities which are utterly meaningless, insincere and therefore degrading? This kid doesn't have to pretend to be interested in your back pain, or your excretions or your grandma's itchy place. Imagine how liberating it would be to live a life free of all the mind-numbing social niceties. I don't pity this kid - I envy him.

S3 E4 Lines in the Sand

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[in a southern accent] Come on in, brothers and sister! Welcome to the house of the Lord!

Dr. Cameron

House, come on, the chapel?

We have been blessed with the miracle of a new symptom. Brother, can you testify as to why this poor child's eyeball rolled back into his head?

It's consistent with jimsonweed poisoning -- ocular paralysis.

[A man sitting in the pew gets up and leaves]

[whispering] I'm sorry.

The wicked shall deceive ye, because they have turned from the Lord and are idiots. His ocular muscle didn't paralyze. It pirouetted.

Dr. Cameron

MS…

It is easier for a wise man to gain access to heaven…

Dr. Cameron

Can you stop that? Just say not MS!

S3 E4 Lines in the Sand

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Start treating Jabba for Pickwicken Syndrome. His 96 double Zs are probably putting pressure on his chest and suffocating him.

His CO2 and oxygen stats are normal.

For you and me, what's normal for a hippopotamus? Get a detailed medical history.

Dr. Cameron

From who? He was bought in alone.

And I doubt a guy who weighs 600 pounds bothers with annual physicals.

Talk to the neighbors, search the house, let's see what Shamu's been up to besides eating. This conversation is over because I've officially run out of clever things to call the guy.

S3 E6 Que Sera Sera

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[Dr. Cameron went to the patient's house]

What you find out?

Dr. Cameron

That you and George have the same taste in home furnishing and women.

Danish modern and Russian gymnasts?

Dr. Cameron

Pianos and prostitutes.

S3 E6 Que Sera Sera

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[About getting the patient on the MRI machine]

Dr. Cameron

The weight limit's obviously just an estimation, its not like it can hold 450 pounds fine and it'll instantly collapse at 451.

He's not one pound over, he's a 150 pounds over.

Dr. Cameron

I don't care, he still deserves the same standard of care as anyone else.

And you believe the machine will stand on principle?

S3 E6 Que Sera Sera

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Dr. Foreman [to House]: What are you writing?

Dr. House [while writing]: Nothing.

If you know the diagnosis, why don't you...?

[finishes writing and sits back upright] How are you gonna learn to swim unless I take off your floaties and throw you into shark-infested waters? [licks the envelope]

Dr. Cameron

You can't know what's wrong after a 30 second perusal of his file.

Apparently you can't. Now what's a game without rules? Uhh, no tagbacks, no biting, you get one test each and the clock runs until lunch. [writes something on the envelope, gets up, and goes over to the whiteboard] If I'm right, he'll still be alive. If I'm wrong, this is a very cruel game. [he uses a magnetic paperclip container to hold the envelope in place. On the envelope is written "THE GAME IS A ITCHY FOOT."]

S3 E8 Whac-A-Mole

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Dr. Cameron

Nice cane.

If I know what you mean.. [winks]

S3 E8 Whac-A-Mole

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Dr. Cameron

What are you gonna do?

I thought I'd get your theories, mock them, then embrace my own. The usual.

S3 E10 Merry Little Christmas

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[Dr. House is comparing Maddy to his cane]

I'm 4'1". That's 1.5 canes in metric.

You don't look a day over 4 feet. I saw in the file that her Dad was normal-sized.

It's "average-sized".

Compared to you, I'm sure it was huge. So did he have a fetish, or did he just fall in love with your long-legged soul?

He grew up in the circus. Said I reminded him of home. Seems like you're the one with the fetish.

I'm certainly curious about the logistics. Did you stand on a table?

Dr. Cameron

House!

Pretty much he'd lay flat, and spin me.

S3 E10 Merry Little Christmas

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Dr. Cameron

House, I just heard that you apologized to Wilson.

Detoxing. I didn't know what I was saying.

[Cameron hugs him]

Excuse me, I have to go to jail.

S3 E11 Words and Deeds

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Dr. Cameron

We were treating him for Wagner's and everything went wrong.

Not everything.

Yeah, it was a very lovely day outside. On the other hand, the treatment made him worse.

S3 E13 Needle in a Haystack

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I wanna see my mother!

Hi again. Not sure I can say this without sounding condescending, but then you'd get the false impression that I respect you, so... you're a kid. You're scared, you're stalling. Grow up.

I'm not scared. I'm never scared.

See? How juvenile was that? You can't feel pain - nothing left but pleasure. Why don't you tell me how wonderful that is.

It sucks.

Better than being in pain all the time. Get in the chair!

[Hannah stays on the floor, House gets a syringe]

Every morning I have to check my eyes to make sure I didn't scratch a cornea in my sleep.

Oh god, stop! I'm in a pool of tears here.

I can't cry.

Neither can I. Every morning I check my eyes for jaundice in case the Vicodin finally shot my liver.

I can't run anywhere without examining all my toes for swelling.

I can't run.

Boys can't hold me for too long because I can overheat.

Girls can't hold me for too long because I only pay for an hour.

I need an alarm on my watch to remind me to go to the bathroom. Do you know how many humiliating experiences before I thought of that?

Bathroom's 50 feet from my office. Every drink of water I weigh the pros and cons.

After everything I do, I self-check: Mouth, tongue, gums for cuts, count teeth, check temperature, fingers, toes and joints for swelling, skin for bruises...

I got shot.

[Hannah pauses, Cameron and Chase exchange looks]

I sat on a stove when I was three. Wanna see the coil marks?

Yeah.

Do you think I'm lying?

Do you think I just wanna check out your tuchus, as your people would say?

[Hannah gets up and lifts her gown, House gives her an injection, she becomes unconscious]

Put her in the chair and run the damn test. If she moves again, give her nitrous.

[House turns to leave, but Cameron intercepts him]

Dr. Cameron

You weren't shot because of leg pain, you were shot because you're a jerk!

Some think the two are connected.

S3 E14 Insensitive

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Dr. Cameron

So I'm thinking we should have sex.

[confused] That makes sense.

Dr. Cameron

Despite the wisdom of pop songs there's no point in putting our lives on hold until love comes along. We're both healthy and busy people, and we work together so it's convenient.

Like microwave pizza?

Dr. Cameron

And of all the people I work with you're the one I'm least likely to fall in love with.

Like microwave pizza.

Dr. Cameron

The point here is to make things simpler, not more complicated. Some day there'll be time to get serious about someone. Meanwhile, we've already had sex once and didn't get weird about it, so…

I get it, I get it. So, what if I'm offended by your judgment?

Dr. Cameron

Then you're not the man I'm looking for.

[Cameron walks away. Chase shakes his head, then follows her, grinning]

S3 E14 Insensitive

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[to Dr. Cameron and Dr. Chase] You two shower together?

CCDr. Cameron/Dr. Chase

[together] No!