James Wilson quotes from House

Dr. Wilson

We're discussing your new patient.

Dr. House

Must be a boring discussion, considering that I haven't accepted a new patient.

Dr. Wilson

If you have the money, then why did you need the loan?

Dr. House

I didn't. Just wanted to see if you would give it to me. I've been borrowing increasing amounts ever since you lent me forty dollars a year ago. A little experiment to see where you draw the line.

Dr. Wilson

You're ... you're trying to... objectively measure how much I value our friendship?!

Dr. House

Hey, it's five grand. You've got nothing to be ashamed of.

Dr. Wilson

So now you've got to drum up another excuse to be around the love of your life. Could hit another patient.

Dr. House

Nah, don't like to repeat myself. People will say I'm formulaic.

Dr. House

She's overreacting.

Dr. Wilson

You snuck into her shrink's office and read her private file. When Nixon did that, he got impeached.

Dr. House

So you're saying I'm not allowed to have oral sex with an intern either?

Dr. Wilson

Do you know your phone's dead? Do you ever recharge the batteries?

Dr. House

They recharge? I just keep buying new phones.

Dr. Wilson

[about Stacy] This isn't just going to go away.

Dr. House

No, but maybe you will.

Dr. Wilson

[gruff disguised voice] House, this is God.

Dr. House

[in MRI chamber] Look, I'm a little busy right now. Not supposed to talk during these things. Got time Thursday?

Dr. Wilson

Let me check. Oh! I got a plague. What about Friday?

Dr. House

You'll have to check with Cameron.

Dr. Wilson

Oh! Damn it! She always wants to know why bad things happen. Like I'm gonna come up with a new answer this time.

Dr. Cuddy

House...

Dr. House

Quick, God, smite the evil witch! [Wilson wisely says nothing]

Dr. Cuddy

Are you sitting on evidence that your patient was sexually abused by her father?

Dr. House

God, why have you forsaken me?

House

Listen, none of this has anything to do with Stacy.

Wilson

Right, giant coincidence that you've gone completely off the rails since she left; inducing migraines, worsening leg pain- [House whacks Wilson's shin with his cane] Ow!

Dr. House

Aw, you miss Stacy too?

Dr. Wilson

You'd give your own wife herpes just to shift the blame?

Dr. Cuddy

He'd give his own mother herpes if it got him out of clinic duty.

Dr. Wilson

Cuddy called.

Dr. House

I know. Saw the caller ID.

Dr. Wilson

Young girl, anaphylactic shock.

Dr. House

You answered?

Dr. Wilson

Turns out that's what stops the ringing.

Dr. Cuddy

Except that ticks aren't usually invisible.

Dr. House

They are until you FIND THEM! [holds up comb triumphantly] No, that's dandruff. Okay, well, that wasn't nearly as dramatic as I'd hoped. It just means that next time'll be even better!

You sick, miserable...! [He rushes into the elevator]

Dr. Cuddy

What are you doing?

Oh my god!

Dr. Wilson

Wait!

Dr. House

See? Told you it'd be more dramatic.

Dr. Wilson

So are you going to tell me an annoying story every time I raise?

Dr. House

God, that would be annoying.

Dr. House

He is not a saint. He figures out what's going on in people's lives by watching, listening, deducing...

Dr. Wilson

And you're worried about trademark infringement?

Dr. House

Then he passes on advice from God so he can watch them jump. It's a power trip.

Dr. Wilson

Ah, and there the similarities end.

Dr. Wilson

You don't want a healthy leg.

Dr. House

Ohh, here we go.

Dr. Wilson

If you've got a good life, if you're healthy, you've got no reason to bitch; no reason to hate life.

Dr. House

Well here's the flaw in your argument. If I enjoy hating life I don't hate life, I enjoy it.

Dr. Wilson

I didn't say it was rational. HIV testing is 99% accurate, which means there are some people who test positive who live with their own impending doom for months or years before finding out everything is okay. Weirdly, most of them don't react with happiness or even anger - they get depressed. Not because they wanted to die but because they've defined themselves by their disease. Suddenly, what made them, them, isn't real.

Dr. House

I don't define myself by my leg.

Dr. Wilson

No-o, you have taken it one step further. The only way you could come to terms with your disability was to somehow make it mean nothing. So you had to redefine everything. You have dismissed anything physical. Anything not coldly, calculatingly intellectual.

Dr. Cuddy

Why did you...?

Dr. House

Why does a dog lick its workplace-acceptable euphemism for testicles?

Dr. Wilson

Because he can.