James Wilson quotes from House

Dr. House

I said I was an addict, I didn't say I had a problem. I pay my bills, I make my meals. I function.

Dr. Wilson

That all you want? You have no relationships.

Dr. House

I don't want any relationships.

Dr. Wilson

You alienate people.

Dr. House

I've been alienating people since I was three.

Dr. Wilson

Oh, come on! Drop it! You don't think you've changed over the last few years?

Dr. House

Of course I have. I've...I've gotten older. My hair's got thinner. Sometimes I'm bored. Sometimes I'm lonely. Sometimes I wonder what it all means.

Dr. Wilson

No. I was there. You are not just some regular guy who's getting older. You've changed! You're miserable! And you're afraid to face yourself-

Dr. House

[slams his cane on the shelf] OF COURSE I'VE CHANGED!

Dr. Wilson

[pause] And everything's the leg? Nothing's the pills? They haven't done a thing to you?

Dr. House

They let me do my job. And they take away my pain.

Dr. Wilson

You want to get to the bottom of this, you're doing it exactly right: don't talk to the people involved. Drag your buddy away from work for some pointless speculation.

Dr. House

You want to know how two chemicals interact. Do you ask them? No, they're going to lie through their lying little chemical teeth. Throw them in a beaker and apply heat.

Dr. Wilson

God! Even I don't like you.

Dr. House

You know, words can hurt.

Dr. House

You can't tell Chase but I can. What shall I do?

Dr. Wilson

Oh...This is where I give you advice and pretend you're going to listen to it. I like this part.

Dr. House

No, I have seen every scary movie ever made. Six-year old twins in front of an elevator with blood. Boys' choirs. Those are bad omens. This is much more mundane. A billionaire wants to get laid.

Dr. Wilson

Billionaires buy movie studios to get laid. They buy hospitals to get respect.

Dr. House

And the reason you want respect...?

Dr. Wilson

To... get laid.

Dr. House

You value our friendship more than your ethical responsibilities?

Dr. Wilson

Our friendship is an ethical responsibility.

Dr. Wilson

The ultrasound and biopsy confirmed our worry. The tumor is extremely large, at least thirty pounds.

Oh, God.

Dr. House

It's actually a personal record for this clinic.

Dr. Wilson

I have no kids, my marriage sucks... I only got two things that work for me: this job and this stupid screwed up friendship, and neither mattered enough for you to give one lousy speech.

Dr. House

They matter... If I could do it all again—

Dr. Wilson

—you'd do the exact same thing.

Dr. House

Any vote to revoke my tenure has to be unanimous. I've got you and maybe even Cuddy.

Dr. Wilson

Oh, well that settles it. Mr. Ruthless Corporate Raider will be stymied, go home, curl up on the floor of his shower and weep.

Dr. House

[Walking into his office, where Wilson is waiting with another job applicant] Sorry. I was taking a dump.

Well I guess I'm better off interviewing right after than right before.

Dr. House

You Jewish?

[Keeping her cool] Yes.

Dr. House

Is it true what they say about Jewish foreplay?

Dr. Wilson

[Desperate to change the subject] Uh, uh—

Two hours of begging?

Dr. House

I heard four.

Well, actually I'm only half Jewish. [After a significant, impressed pause from House and Wilson] Look, I know you like to play games, push buttons. I have four brothers. Long as you keep your hands to yourself, I'm okay with anything that comes out of your mouth.

Dr. Wilson

That's our Hitler!!

Dr. House

No. Did you see her shoes?

Dr. Wilson

Her shoes? What, did your horoscope in Vogue tell you to avoid women wearing green shoes?

Dr. House

The eyes can mislead, a smile can lie, but the shoes always tell the truth.

Dr. Wilson

They were Prada, which means she has good taste.

Dr. House

They were not Prada. You wouldn't know Prada if one stepped on your scrotum.

Dr. Wilson

Okay, well... they were nice, pointy.

Dr. Wilson

You had the perfect person, and you blew it.

Dr. House

You saw the shoes!

Dr. Wilson

I'm not talking about her.

Dr. House

You're talking about Cameron.

Dr. Wilson

I'm talking about every woman you've ever given a damn about.

Dr. House

Cameron is so not perfect.

Dr. Wilson

Nobody's perfect.

Dr. House

Mother Theresa?

Dr. Wilson

Dead.

Dr. House

Angelina Jolie?

Dr. Wilson

No medical degree.

Dr. House

Oh, so now who's being picky?

Dr. Wilson

You're not going to be happy with anyone.

Dr. House

So what, your advice is... hire someone I'm not happy with and be happy?

Dr. Wilson

No, my advice is much more subtle. Stop being an ass.

Dr. Wilson

[House is attempting to put on a tie before his date with Cameron] The wide side's too short. You're gonna look like Lou Costello.

Dr. House

This is a mistake. I don't know how to have casual conversation. You think you're talking about one thing, and either you are and it's incredibly boring, or you're not because it's subtext and you need a decoder ring.

Dr. Wilson

Open doors for her, help her with her chair...

Dr. House

I have been on a date.

Dr. Wilson

Uh, not since disco died. Comment on her shoes, her earrings, and then move on to D.H.A.: her Dreams, Hopes, and Aspirations. Trust me — panty-peeler. Oh, and if you need condoms, I've got some.

Dr. House

[sarcastically] Did your wife give them to you?

Dr. Wilson

Drug rep. They got antibiotics built in, somehow.

Dr. House

I should cancel. I've got a patient in surgery tomorrow.

Dr. Wilson

And if you were a surgeon, that would actually matter.

Dr. Wilson

Do you think he was dead? Do you think those experiences were real?

Dr. House

Define real. They were real experiences. What they meant... Personally, I choose to believe that the white light people sometimes see, visions, this patient saw. They're all just chemical reactions that take place when the brain shuts down.

Dr. Foreman

You choose to believe that?

Dr. House

There's no conclusive science. My choice has no practical relevance to my life, I choose the outcome I find more comforting.

Dr. Cameron

You find it more comforting to believe that this is it?

Dr. House

I find it more comforting to believe that this isn't simply a test.

Dr. Wilson

House. Need you.

Dr. House

[nasally] Nah. Forget it, I'm going home.

Dr. Wilson

Hay fever?

Dr. House

Boy, you must be a doctor and everything.

Dr. House

Every minute that we refuse to love one another, another puppy cries another tear.

Dr. Wilson

You're just mad because he's closer to a Nobel Prize than you are.

Dr. House

And yet I've nailed more Swedish babes. Crazy, crazy world.

Dr. Wilson

It's not just the trip to Stockholm, you know. It comes with a cash prize.

Dr. House

Seriously? No wonder everybody is going after that peace thing.

Dr. Wilson

He cures thousands of people every year, you cure what 30?

Dr. House

McDonalds makes a better hamburger than your mother because they make more?

Dr. Wilson

Oh, I see, so you hate him because the lives he saves aren't as good as the lives you save?

Dr. House

Yep, that's the reason. Nobel invented dynamite, I won't accept his blood money.