James Wilson quotes from House

Dr. Wilson

The fifth level of happiness involves creation, changing lives.

Dr. House

The sixth level is heroin, the seventh level is you going away.

Dr. House

I don't remember you being this bitchy.

Dr. Wilson

The Vicodin dulled it. In the sober light of day, I'm a buzz-kill.

Dr. Wilson

Medically, what made you think he was right?

Dr. Cuddy

Nothing.

Dr. Wilson

He got lucky. That's all that happened. Telling him "No" was a good thing. Because next time, he won't be lucky and he'll kill someone. Just because he was right, doesn't mean he wasn't wrong.

Dr. Cuddy

[exhales; long pause] I see him every day. I can't just...

Dr. Wilson

Everybody lies.

Dr. House

Can you believe what Cuddy tried to pull?

Dr. Wilson

What now?

Dr. House

She lied to me. She cured my patient with my diagnosis, then lied to me about it.

Dr. Wilson

That doesn't sound like her.

Dr. House

You're right. Does sound like you, though.

Dr. Wilson

What exactly did Cuddy tell you?

Dr. House

Nothing that your body language isn't telling me right now. So what was the plan? I'd feel so humble by missing a case that I'd re-evaluate my entire life, question the nature of truth and goodness and become Cameron?

Dr. Wilson

Something like that. More that if we'd told you the truth, that you'd solved a case based on absolutely no medical proof, you'd think you were God, and I was worried your wings would melt.

Dr. House

God doesn't limp.

Dr. House

Hey hey hey hey! [inhales from the mask]

Dr. Wilson

Out of Vicodin? [House gives him a look]

What're you doing?

Dr. House

[holding his breath] Eating the red berries.

He trusted you.

Dr. House

No, that wasn't trust. That was self-preservation.

No... That was huge. It was like a conversation.

Dr. House

A monkey's. [gets up and hits his head on a surgical light] Monkey's afraid to eat the red berries until he sees another monkey eat them. Monkey see, monkey do. It's all it was. The kid's still just as messed up as when he admitted him. [stumbles into a table]

Dr. Wilson

I'm going to read you something. "Asperger Syndrome is a mild and rare form of Autism. It's typically characterized by difficulty establishing friendships and playing with peers, trouble accepting conventional social rules and they dislike any change in setting or routine." Or broadloom. It doesn't say that last part, but you get my point.

Dr. Cuddy

House doesn't have Asperger's. The diagnosis is much simpler, he's a jerk.

Dr. Wilson

Your real fear is me having a good relationship.

Dr. House

Yes, it keeps me up at night. That and the Loch Ness Monster, global warming, evolution, other fictional concepts.

Dr. Wilson

If your son does have mercury poisoning, there's a good chance he'll respond to the chelation. You might be able to have a few minutes with him before you lapse...

[turns around, upset] Why are you so concerned about me?

Dr. House

Deep inside, Wilson believes if he cares enough, he'll never have to die.

Dr. Wilson

Why steal my pad?

Dr. House

[mockingly] Oh my God! You're right! I'm an addict, thanks for opening my eyes.

Dr. Wilson

No, I mean why my pad. Foreman, Cameron, and Chase's pads are just as convenient, but their association with you is involuntary. They're employees. I associate with you through choice, and any relationship that involves choice, you have to see how far you can push before it breaks.

Dr. House

This is easy. You ask the questions, answer them, and make tasty snacks. Let's go try the casino.

Dr. Wilson

And one day our friendship will break, and that will just prove your theory that relationships are conditional, and you don't need human connection or deserve it or whatever goes on in that rat-maze of your brain.

Dr. House

[to patient] Sorry, if I had known he was going to be this annoying, I would have stolen Dr. Cameron's pad and Dr. Foreman's car. At least she appreciates my brooding melancholy.

Dr. House

[cellphone rings, he answers] House's house of whining, state your complaint!

Dr. Cuddy

Busy.

Dr. Wilson

You okay?

Dr. Cuddy

Yeah, sure.

Dr. Wilson

Uh, what I meant by "Are you okay?" is "What the hell did House do?"

Dr. Cuddy

Nothing.

Dr. Wilson

What did he say?

Dr. Cuddy

I've seen House be rude a thousand times, usually to achieve something. I have never seen him be mean just because he can.

Dr. Wilson

Seriously? What did he say?

Dr. Cuddy

Nothing. Doesn't matter.

Dr. Wilson

Well, I've seen House be rude to you a thousand times, but I've never seen it get to you.

Dr. Cuddy

People think House has no inner censor. But the fact is, he holds himself back, because when he wants to hurt, he knows just where to poke a sharp stick. I have been trying to get pregnant, and House knew. He told me I would fail as a mother.

Dr. Wilson

And you're this upset because you think he's right?

Dr. Cuddy

I have had three separate implantations. The first two never took. The last one I lost.

Dr. Wilson

I'm sorry. You didn't fail. Those where physical events.

Dr. Cuddy

A little girl is... scared and in pain. I was awkward, terrified of doing the wrong thing.

Dr. Wilson

That's normal. That's —

Dr. Cuddy

[Crying] I didn't hug her. I didn't even reach out and hold her hand. I told her it was gonna be okay.

Dr. Wilson

She needed reassurance.

Dr. Cuddy

I told her her folks might get back together. When I see people with their kids, it's so natural. It's like they have an instruction book imprinted on their genes, maybe I just didn't get a copy. Maybe my wanting to be a mother is like a tone-deaf person wanting to sing opera or a paraplegic who wants to —

Dr. Wilson

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Well, I see what you mean about House poking in the right spot.

Dr. Wilson

[Seeing House eagerly consuming his medication] That's Vicodin. He's been slipping you Vicodin.

Dr. House

No! He'd be risking his minimum wage job to do that.

Dr. Wilson

The whole time?

Dr. House

My higher power said it was okay.

Dr. Wilson

Nothing's changed?

Dr. House

Nothing's changed.

Dr. Wilson

[Walking away in disbelief and then turning back] The apology. You didn't need to do that to make this work.

Dr. House

[Smiling] Believe what you want.

Dr. Wilson

Ah yes, if it isn't Dr. Ironside.

Dr. House

Ah, if it isn't Dr. "I had no friends when I was growing up, so all I did was watch TV by myself which is why I can now make constant pop cultural references which no one understands but me."

Dr. Wilson

That's my name, don't wear it out.

Dr. House

It was an outpatient procedure. I was curious.

Dr. Wilson

Are you curious about heroin?

Dr. House

Not since last year's Christmas party...whooof!

Dr. House

I can play the harmonica with my nose, make a penny come out of a child's ear - or any other orifice for that matter - and given the right circumstances can bring two women to simultaneous ecstasy.

Dr. Wilson

The right circumstances being their agreement to bill you on the same credit card.

Dr. House

Do you want the tickets or not?

Dr. Wilson

Why don't you want to go with me?

Dr. House

It's a play. Dudes only go to plays if they're dragged by women they're hoping to see naked.

Dr. Wilson

So why are you giving them to me?

Dr. House

Maybe there's someone you want to see naked.