Gregory House quotes from House

House

You're turning white.

What does that mean?

House

It means he doesn't need football to get a good job anymore.

House

You know why you're black?

Because God loves me more than he does you?

House

I was with your boytoy on a stakeout last night.

Cuddy

You were with Lucas?

House

He needed someone who could diagnose a soft tissue injury from across the street. Apparently he doesn't know any good doctors.

Cuddy

They should be pressuring other hospitals to be more like us, not trying to make us more like them. It's stupid.

House

Putting your job on the line in an effort to stamp out stupidity isn't?

Cuddy

You would.

House

Probably. But then I also wanted to try to cure cancer by infecting a guy with malaria to win a $50 bet. You really want to be like me?

House

They're not going to fire you. And you're not going to quit.

Cuddy

Why not?

House

Because you're an idiot.

Wilson

What are you doing tonight?

House

Masturbating. I'd invite you, but people are already talking.

Wilson

It's pathetic. You divide your nights between porn and the Discovery Channel.

House

Right. Playing Dance Dance Revolution is a much better choice.

Foreman

You plan on doing any work today?

House

I thought I might do a little light doctoring in the afternoon.

House

You brought a date?

Chase

Wilson seemed to think it was a good idea.

Wilson

You need to dive back into the pool.

House

And he has to swim in ours? You go to a bar, you bring your ugly friends.

Chase

It's not a beauty pageant.

House

Life is a beauty pageant. Little girls who kiss frogs expect them to turn into you.

Chase

Oh, come on. I'm not that good-looking.

House

Yeah, you are.

Wilson

You kind of are.

Chase

So you attribute every relationship I've ever had to the height of my cheekbones?

Wilson

Not the whole relationship. Just the beginning.

House

The rest is your hair.

House

I'm a diagnostician. I find out what's wrong with people, and I fix it.

Don't all doctors do that?

House

Yeah, but they can't dance like I can.

Taub

Whatcha doing?

Rachel

groceries.

Taub

What r u wearing?

Rachel

U don't want to know.

House

Take off your shirt.

Rachel

R u nuts?

House

Touch yourself.

Taub

House! It's not funny. I got enough problems already.

House

Trust me, this is gonna help.

House

Come on, take the drug holiday. Numb yourself out.

I think you're the one who wants to numb himself out.

House

I like being alone. At least, I convince myself that I'm better off that way. And then I met someone at a psychiatric hospital of all places. She changed me. And then she left. We're better off alone. We suffer alone. We die alone. Doesn't matter if you're a model husband, or father of the year. Tomorrow will be the same for you.

But yesterday would have been different.

Wilson

People change, House.

House

Sure. They get older, ovaries start drying up, and nice guys like you look attractive again.

Wilson

Hey. I can't believe I'm about to say this. Sam...

House

Told you so.

Wilson

No, she didn't dump me. She wants to get to know you better.

House

Damn it. I never should have let her see me naked.

Wilson

It goes against all my instincts, but I said all right.

House

Why?

Wilson

She thinks I was hiding her from you.

House

You were.

Wilson

I don't want her to know.

House

So you're asking me to condone a relationship based on lies and mistrust.

Wilson

Yeah.

House

When and where?

House

I guess you've never heard the expression, "gas chromatography machines don't lie."

Neither does Miles. He's the best knight I've ever known. It's why he was chosen king.

House

Miles is a jealous idiot. And you're just an idiot.