Gregory House quotes from House

$2.32.

House

Put it on Dr. Wilson's tab.

I don't know who Dr. Wilson is, and we don't have tabs.

House

[bends down closer to her] Do you know who I am?

No.

House

Good. [walks away]

House

[Chase is not participating in the diagnosis] Give me something or I'll get your ex-smarter half on the phone and ask her!

Chase

House.......... [gets up and punches House in the face]

Wilson

I'm not here for an argument, House!

House

No. Right. That's room 12A.

Wilson

You can't change a table.

House

Actually you can. You just need a coat of paint and the guts to use it.

House

I need the drugs

We're in textiles.

House

[yelling] I need the drugs! [Eddie looks at him blankly] Hmmm. Works for Jack Bauer.

House

That receiver doesn't respond to manual stimulation. Maybe if you took off your shirt.

Thirteen

Actually, I resorted to something more exotic. I call it reading the instructions. Turns out if you screw the antennae into the wrong sockets, it doesn't actually work.

Taub

Knowing this guy's an undercover cop doesn't get us any closer to curing him.

House

Good point. You know what they say. Information is not power. Wait...

Chase

Guy's a hero. He's risking his life to put these dealers in jail.

House

I'm sure the dealers who take their places will be very grateful.

Thirteen

Why do you want to meet her so badly?

House

Psychopaths always fascinate me. I think it's their cultural literacy and strong family values. Or is that Jews?

House

[to Foreman and Thirteen] Go have sex.

Thirteen

No, thanks.

House

Fine, I'll cover the Viagra and the lubricants. Just get me a receipt.

Foreman

We have zero feelings for each other.

House

Well, that's too bad, 'cause things worked much better when you did. Would it help if I slept with her?

House

So when you watch Star Wars, which side do you root for?

Dr. House. What are you doing?

House

Just checking in on your radiotherapy.

From what I hear, you never visit patients. And now, you've come to chat with me twice.

House

I want to know how you like being a management consultant. I'm thinking of getting into it. That or psychopathy maybe. Which pays better?

I think you're already into one of them. Dr. Hadley made a joke yesterday. She said I sound like you.

House

I'm sure you understand what “joke” means.

So you're not just out for yourself? For example, you would never interrupt a sick woman's treatment just because of some personal obsession?

House

Of course I'm self-interested. We all are. We're born that way. The rest of us are born with consciences.

Which is something you just sound ecstatic about.

House

I'm not saying it's logical. I'm just saying it's human.

So if you know your conscience is just an animal instinct, you don't need to follow it. I think you realize that. That's why you're talking to me.

Chase

I'd give her a day. Two days at the most.

House

Great. You be the clock. Everyone else will be the doctors.

Wilson

[entering the office] What are you doing?

House

Paying Wibberly's mortgage for a few months. [rips check out of the book] Congratulations on another successful round of hectoring.

Wilson

Wait a minute, is that actually a check for him?

House

No. It's a giant novelty item for winning the lottery. You're just standing really far away.

House

I don't need to see the scan. I can tell from your little puppy dog eyes that his pituitary's fine. Are you gonna say it or should I?

Taub

You were right about the steroids. You're a genius.

House

Next time with feeling.

House

Okay, why don't you tell me my real evil plan.

Wilson

I don't think there is an evil plan. You regret not having a relationship with your own family. And you don't want to see Foreman go down that same path. I think you're actually being nice.

House

Oh shut up! You can't accuse me of an opossum attack and underhanded kindness in the same visit.

Wilson

Then I'll come back.