Arnold quotes from Hey Arnold!

Gerald

You know that monster truck show this afternoon? Wish we could go.

Can't, got detention.

Gerald

Yeah, me, too. Look at these! One for walking too fast, one for walking too slow, one for turning a corner too sharply, one for turning too wide, one for squeaky shoes, one for suspiciously quiet shoes. And these are from this morning. [tosses them on the floor and Phoebe writes another ticket and gives it to Gerald] What's this for?

Phoebe

One for littering.

Maybe you should try using psychology.

Coach Wittenberg

Hmmm. Psycho-ology, eh?

Gerald

[offscreen] Figaro, Figaro, Figaro!

Huh?

Gerald

[steps out of the darkness, wearing fancy Rococo clothes] Figaro, Figaro, Figaro! [runs back into darkness]

Hey, Gerald, what are you doing? Where are you going? What's going on? [crying comes from the other side and Harold steps out, dressed as a clown] Harold? [turns around and sees Harold crying] Uh, are you alright?

Harold

Look at me, Arnold! Look at me! I'm a...I'm a... [sings] ...big ugly clown, oh! A big, sad ugly clown, oh! [cries and runs away]

[dressed as Carmen, steps out, and slowly walks down the stairs halfway] I'm Ruth McCarmen, and awfully charmin'. [points to Arnold] I guess you've noticed by the way you stare. You're not bad either. [Arnold looks down and sees his new clothes] Let's take a breather, and we can talk about my auburn hair.

Her auburn hair! You're standing there. Why don't you introduce yourself to Ruth?

She's like a flower blossom.

I know, she's wicked awesome!

Gerald

Come on, Arnold, it's the moment of truth! [pushes him to the foot of the stairs]

[pulls up his pants] My name's Don Arnold, [pulls out caramel bag] please have a caramel. [she takes one and flutters her lashes] Your hair is lovely, do you like my pants? [smiles, embarrassed] They're made of satin, [takes off cape] the cape's pure Latin. [a hanger comes down and he hangs it; it goes back up] I had it tailored in the south of France.

The south of France, your satin pants. [a cow picks Arnold up] Why don't you ask the lady for a dance?

It's time for your decision.

It's almost intermission.

Gerald

Hey, Arnold, you better ask her to dance.

[they reach Ruth] Uhhh... [gets hit with a spitball; instantly wakes up] Hey, cut that out! Who's doing that?

Helga

[tucks the sling shot back in her shirt] I had to shut you up somehow. You were snoring louder than the orchestra.

Man, how far into it are we?

Gerald

[looking at his tape] Beats me. I'm looking for something to listen to, until this thing is over. [puts on his headphones]

Phoebe

Second act. Now Carmen will convince Don José to desert from the army and join her band of gypsy smugglers. All goes okay for a while, but then this really handsome guy named Escamillo comes along.

Helga

No electricity? No TV? No popcorn? No deal! I'm out of here.

Hey, if you can't tough it out for 24 hours, than maybe you should leave.

Helga

Oh, so you don't think I'm tough enough, is that it, Bio Boy? Well, I'll show you, I can stand be anywhere for 24 hours. Even locked in a controlled environment, with you!

Helga

Boy I'm feeling goofy, you know this Arnold guy he's been on my mind morning, noon and night for the past six years. I mean think about it, since I'm currently nine years old that is fully two thirds of my young life, is that crazy or what? Why do I torture myself by keeping it all a big secret why not just tell Arnold? La La La La La. Hey why am I telling you all this, you don't even know the guy. I'll just call that adorable little Football Head right know and tell him myself. [Phone rings, she gets answering machine.] Hello, Arnold, this is Helga, yes, Helga G. Pataki, the girl that worships you, yes, wastes days of passionate thoughts about you, ohh, my angel, sweet love, ohh, how I lo.... [screams]

[Halfway across town] Did you hear something just now?

Gerald

No.

Uh, Mr. Green. I brought someone to help you.

Mr. Green

Oh, no. No, Harold. I already told you, you're in more trouble than you were. You couldn't possibly be any help.

Miriam

Uh, Mr. Blue.

Mr. Green

It's Green.

Miriam

Where are my briskets?

Mr. Green

I told you, we're out of briskets!

I think Curly's finally snapped.

Gerald

No kidding.

You guys, Curly's snapped. He's throwing kickballs at Principal Wartz. My kickballs!

Helga

Hahaha. It's finally happened. Our demented Curly has gone over the edge.

Curly? Snapped? How terrible. Terribly sad.

There's a grand brouhaha outside Principal Wartz's office. LET'S GO!

No, Grandpa, you're still with us. Good morning, Grandpa.

Grandpa Phil

What's so good about it?

Helga

Me, Mom and Dad are supposed to visit my grandma in South Dakota.

Sounds like fun.

Helga

I'd rather have a root canal.

Look, buddy, I told you, I don't have the money. I have to use it to pay for my mother's hip operations.

You little weasel, I'll give you a one week to come up with a cash, or else...

Or else what? Okay, I get the picture. You're a big man, aren't you?

Gerald

[sighs] That Oskar Kokoschka, he's always get into trouble. Does he have a job or anything?

[laughs a little bit] Oskar? I don't think he's ever had a job.

Okay, son, when can you start the job?

It's not for me, it's for him.

How many sick days do I get?

Him? Is he little old to be a paper boy?

He work really hard, I promise.

Everything in my bones tells me, I'm making a big mistake. But, I need carrier bad. You pick up the papers at 4am each morning: Bundle em' and deliver em' to the addresses on this route by 6am sharp.

He got the job?

[Stamps the paper] He got the job.

Thanks a lot!

How many sick days do I get? [Grabs the candy and Arnold pulls him out to leave]

[Arnold knocks on his door] What is it?

Mr. Kokoscha, it's a quarter after 4, the newspapers!

Oh, yeah. Right. Uh, listen, Arnold, I can't work today, I got sick last night.

You're sick?

Oh yeah, real sick; I got the- a Chinese stomach flu. It's really bad. Oh!

But, it's your first day on your job.

I know. Talk about bad luck.

Well, I guess I can deliver your papers today.

Oh, Arnold, that would be great. Thanks a lot.

Yeah, I hope you feel better.

Me too, but don't count on it, I'm sick like a dog. [Shuts and opens the door] Oh! Ho, ho! [Shuts the door]

Mr. Kokoscha, it's 4:30. You got newspapers to deliver.

Oh yeah. Listen, Arnold, you won't believe what happened, [Bends his back and cracks it] I threw out my back last night. Oh, ho! I can barely move. But, don't worry, I still deliver the papers.

Are you okay?

[Cracks reactively] Ooooh, hooo hooo! Yes, sure, I'll be alright. I have to do my job.

Can you work with your back like that?

[Willing to walk stiffly] Probably not. If I don't do it, how can the papers get delivered to all the good people of the city waiting for important news about world?

[Looks down] I guess I could deliver your papers today.

[Walks back to his room] Well, okay, if you insist. Oh, ho, ho, the pain! [Closes his door]

[Arnold pulls him into the hallway] Arnold, where's the fire?

Look, you wanted me to help you to get a job and I did.

Yeah, you did, good for you. I'll be right back, my beautiful Fatima!

Your first day on the job, you said you had a stomach flu. And today, you said you had a bad back!

What's your point?

My point is are you going to have another excuse tomorrow, or are you going to do your own job instead of making me do it for you?

Arnold, of course I'm going to do my job. Don't worry!

Good.

But I can't tomorrow. It's a national holiday for my old country. I forgot to tell you.

That's it! [Begins walking upstairs] I'm tired of all your excuses!

Arnold, you seem a little cranky. Maybe you should take a nap.

Look, I only helped you because you said you were desperate. You said you wanted to change. I guess I was wrong. Mr. Kokoschka, I'm sorry, but you are a huge loser!

Mr. Kokoschka? [Oskar's groaning] You didn't. Did you deliver the newspapers?

Yeah, you bet I did, Arnold, I showed you I can do a job, okay?

That's great, Mr.Kokoschka!

Maybe for you, but it almost killed me. Look, the tiny dog bit in my pants.

Ernie

What's going on, Kokoschka you bum? What are you up to?

Doing his job, Mr. Pottz.

I don't believe it.

Ernie

Quit kiddin' around. [Fans at Oskar]

You can't believe it, it's true... you don't think I can do a job, well I just did it. So take that to the bank, okay?

It's a miracle!

Ernie

I never thought I'd see today!

I worked two whole hours and I'm exhausted, but I did it.

We're proud of you, Mr. Kokoschka.

Ernie

Yeah sure, I bet you can't do it again tomorrow.

Oh yeah? Well, I show you! I'll do it tomorrow and maybe the next day.

Ernie

I'll bet you ten bucks you don't, Kokoschka.

Make it twenty, put your money where your mouth is.

Ernie

Twenty-one!

What do you mean twenty-one? Why don't we make it a hundred?