Phoebe quotes from Hey Arnold!

Phoebe

But...but I knew that!

Phoebe

[Giving a possible explanation to Helga's suggested career of woodsperson] Perhaps the test results indicate that someone with your dominate aggressive personality's best suited to a solitary occupation with a physical outlet for your expressions of rage. [Helga leans forward and glares angrily at Phoebe; nervously] Or perhaps not.

Big Bob Pataki

Ugh! Now the sun's going down. It's getting kind of cool up here. I think I should turn off this mis... [Turns knob and it explodes, sending Bob into a tree. Helga, Phoebe, Gerald, and Arnold ran up to Bob.]

Phoebe

Are you okay, Mr. Pataki?

Big Bob Pataki

Am I okay?! LOOK AT ME! The food's gone, my neck's burn, the mister doesn't work, and to top it all off — WE'RE LOST!

Helga

Lost?! I thought you knew where we were!

Big Bob Pataki

I've been lost ever since we saw those signs in Spanish.

Phoebe

What did you think TSP stood for?

[With everyone looking at him] Uh... ten square pounds?

Helga

[about Lila] Well, everything's back to normal.

Rhonda

She's Little Miss Perfect again.

Phoebe

She's funny and smart, and pretty and popular.

Helga

And you know what the worst part is? I like her.

Yeah, me too.

Curly

I wanted to go as pirates.

Harold

No, Vikings.

Phoebe

How about clowns?

Helga

We're all going as aliens because the whole purpose of Halloween is to scare people and make them give you candy.

Principal Wartz

[Talking to Phoebe as he leaves] We're proud of our multicultural students here at P.S. 118. [Stops in the doorway and looks back] Where do you come from, Phoebe?

Phoebe

[flatly] Kentucky, sir.

Helga

Phoebe, are you OK? Phoebe! Say something!

Phoebe

I quit.

Phoebe

I don't really want to be this bossy scary selfish emotionally challenged person, who has to order people around just to get respect!

Helga

[Oblivious] Who'd want to be like that?

Gerald

You know that monster truck show this afternoon? Wish we could go.

Can't, got detention.

Gerald

Yeah, me, too. Look at these! One for walking too fast, one for walking too slow, one for turning a corner too sharply, one for turning too wide, one for squeaky shoes, one for suspiciously quiet shoes. And these are from this morning. [tosses them on the floor and Phoebe writes another ticket and gives it to Gerald] What's this for?

Phoebe

One for littering.

Helga

Phoebe, get real. Helga Pataki doesn't do detentions. Besides, I've got tickets to the monster truck show. I was gonna take you.

Phoebe

No, you get real, Pataki. You're the one who told me not to let anyone push me around. Well, I'm not letting anyone push me around, and that includes you. And one more thing, I despise monster truck shows.

Helga

When I told you not to let anyone push you around, I didn't mean me!

Helga

You're a controlling, hall monitoring bully!

Phoebe

You say that like it's a bad thing.

Helga

Phoebe, over the last week, you've screamed at kids in the halls, you've rationed water at the drinking fountain...you've given out more tickets than a lottery! I mean, look around! Half of our class is sitting here in detention!

Phoebe

So what? I'm just acting like you.

Helga

Look in that reflection, what do you see? [Phoebe looks at herself in the reflection and her refection turns into a copy of Helga as she screams] Hey, it's not that scary.

Phoebe

Yes it is! I've lost the old Phoebe!

Helga

Humph! Opera, what a bunch of dorks! La-de-da-froo-froo ladies in wigs singing a lotta 2-dollar words about nothing, doi!

Gerald

What a waste of a good field trip!

Harold

You said a mouthful, pal. Opera's for wimps!

Kids, kids, listen! Feel the music. Here's the big finish! [hums, then sighs when the music stops] And that was Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries". What do you think?

Boo!

That really bites!

Stinky, you are entitled to your opinion; but I bet by the time we're finished with this field trip; I'll make an opera lover of you yet! [rewinds on the boom box and presses play] And this is, of course, the song of Pagliacci, the crying clown.

Harold

[steps out] Look at me, I'm Pagliacci, the big, sad clown. Boo, hoo, hoo! Ha, ha, ha!

[pointing to the poster] And this is what we'll be seeing today. A classic tale of power and faithless love; the opera "Carmen".

Helga

Power and faithless love, huh? Ya got my attention.

The story centers around Carmen, the beautiful gypsy, [the students ooh and aah] who flirts with the young Spanish officer, Don José. [the students hoot] Don José is, how you say, charmed by Carmen, and lets her escape arrest for, um, how should I put this, causing harm to another girl.

Helga

Maybe this won't be so boring after all, Pheebs.

Phoebe

Oh, not boring at all, Helga. "Carmen" is a great story.

But Carmen forgets all about Don José the minute she sets her gypsy eyes on the torero Escamillo.

Gerald

[confused] Torero? What's a torero?

Curly

You know, a toreador, a bullfighter! [pulls out a handkerchief and holds it in the air; Harold acts like a bull and runs into it; removes it and bows] Ole!

Oh my gosh! Look, the show’s about to start. Everyone have your tickets ready.

Helga

[sneaks behind the pillar and spies on Arnold, along with Gerald, getting binoculars] Oh, Arnold, flamenco dancer stomping on the stage of my heart! Conquistador of my soul! With that, at this moment, I could know your heart's desire, my love. [Arnold aims his binoculars in the direction of Ruth, who's talking with Connie and Maria] Ruth! [cringes] Ruuuth! If only I can get that football-headed torero to feel that way about me! What am I doing wrong? What? [pushes usher out of the way] One side, moron!

Gerald

[offscreen] Figaro, Figaro, Figaro!

Huh?

Gerald

[steps out of the darkness, wearing fancy Rococo clothes] Figaro, Figaro, Figaro! [runs back into darkness]

Hey, Gerald, what are you doing? Where are you going? What's going on? [crying comes from the other side and Harold steps out, dressed as a clown] Harold? [turns around and sees Harold crying] Uh, are you alright?

Harold

Look at me, Arnold! Look at me! I'm a...I'm a... [sings] ...big ugly clown, oh! A big, sad ugly clown, oh! [cries and runs away]

[dressed as Carmen, steps out, and slowly walks down the stairs halfway] I'm Ruth McCarmen, and awfully charmin'. [points to Arnold] I guess you've noticed by the way you stare. You're not bad either. [Arnold looks down and sees his new clothes] Let's take a breather, and we can talk about my auburn hair.

Her auburn hair! You're standing there. Why don't you introduce yourself to Ruth?

She's like a flower blossom.

I know, she's wicked awesome!

Gerald

Come on, Arnold, it's the moment of truth! [pushes him to the foot of the stairs]

[pulls up his pants] My name's Don Arnold, [pulls out caramel bag] please have a caramel. [she takes one and flutters her lashes] Your hair is lovely, do you like my pants? [smiles, embarrassed] They're made of satin, [takes off cape] the cape's pure Latin. [a hanger comes down and he hangs it; it goes back up] I had it tailored in the south of France.

The south of France, your satin pants. [a cow picks Arnold up] Why don't you ask the lady for a dance?

It's time for your decision.

It's almost intermission.

Gerald

Hey, Arnold, you better ask her to dance.

[they reach Ruth] Uhhh... [gets hit with a spitball; instantly wakes up] Hey, cut that out! Who's doing that?

Helga

[tucks the sling shot back in her shirt] I had to shut you up somehow. You were snoring louder than the orchestra.

Man, how far into it are we?

Gerald

[looking at his tape] Beats me. I'm looking for something to listen to, until this thing is over. [puts on his headphones]

Phoebe

Second act. Now Carmen will convince Don José to desert from the army and join her band of gypsy smugglers. All goes okay for a while, but then this really handsome guy named Escamillo comes along.